A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband is constantly depressed and there is nothing I can do to help him. He works 6 days a week, 12 hr days and is always tired. By the time he gets home at 8pm he just wants to have his dinner and go to sleep. We rarely even make love...maybe once a month a quick 5 min job...even though we are both young and according to everyone - a very attractive couple....that is something that has upset me for the entire time we have been together, but I love him and now I have just gotton used to it I guess and try to not think about it too much. We hardly do anything together as he is always tired, the only day off he has is Sunday. Counselling is COMPLETELY out of the question so please dont suggest it as he barely has time to even speak to me muchless someone else!!! And no it is simply NOT possible to "make time either"...that would require him having to leave work early, get time off etc and it just would never ever happen. Even for his birthday I planned a weekend away already paid for and his boss wont let him have just the Saturday off...so NO making time or getting time off just isnt possible for that!!We can not afford for him to leave his job as he gets paid alot of money and we have alot of expenses, mortgage etc....he gets paid alot more than me and our combined wages just about covers our expenses. He would never find another job that pays as much. If he got another job chances are we will be in great financial difficulty. Now before anyone critises his boss, his boss is VERY good to us. When we bought our house he helped us more than all of our family combined and is like a second dad to him. But my husband has been at this company for so many years now that I suppose now he is rather senior and they have come to rely on him so much and when he isnt there things go wrong.So I seriously dont know what to do. I do appreciate him and everything he does. I try my best to cheer him up, I try to be there as much as I can when he needs someone to talk to, I try to plan things to do for the only day he has off (Sunday) or little days out or give him little things to look forward to. I have even tried to spice up our sex life, But nothing ever works, I tried to encourage him to do little things he likes, or go to the gym etc to have something out of work. I have even tried to encourage him to go otu with his friends. Or just picnics together or quite walks or quiet drinks alone or with friends...Or if he just wants to stay at home that is fine or watch tv or movies also...whatever he wants to do....but fact is, he is still always tired and depressed; he is too tired to want to do anything, then when he stays in just relaxing he gets annoyed that he is staying in beause he is too tired to do anything else.....!!! When he is in sometimes I have even tried to wear nice underwear or something to "entertain" him at home but he still turns me down and has zero interest as he is too physically drained....So I dont know what anyone suggest,..I have tried EVERYTHING and again please DONT suggest counselling whatever as like I said it just CANT possibly work and there is NO WAY we could find time for that! (come on we barely have 10mins to have sex muchless go off somewhere else to talk to some random person...so really dont want suggestions about us having to get counselling) Anyway if anyone has any advice please let me know!!! Thanks all
View related questions:
depressed, money, sex life, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): One thing that could help a lot is exercise. I know he doesn't have time, but even starting with just 5 minutes of exercise (done in front of the TV) can help him get more energy. Exercise is really good for getting rid of both fatigue and depression, if you can get him to do any. If he refuses, you could just try doing an exercise DVD in front of him when he comes home. Maybe he will get inspired and join you. Most men like lifting weights, so you could get a DVD that has weight work in it (like a Cory Everson one - she's pretty motivating to both men and women).
Another thing is eating better. Typically people don't eat enough fruit or vegetables. If you can gradually get more of those things into his diet (especially raw ones, like in fruit salad or vegetables salads), it will help with his energy and his depression.
Drinking more water and cutting down on sugar and junk food are good ideas, too. A lot of people truly feel awful because of not eating right. Even if you think your diet is pretty healthy, a lot of times it could use a lot of work. Our typical American diet is very acid-forming, and that just makes people tired, run down, and sickly way before their time.
A lot of times people really think they need more money than they do to be happy. We tend to spend whatever amount we have. You could start now to show yourself that you could live on less money, in case your husband wants to take a lower-paying job that will make him happier. Cut way down on shopping and eating out (even though I know those might be the only times you feel like you are having fun). Keep track of your spending and see if there is a way for you to cut way back on any unnecessary spending, or even put some money aside for making some sort of transition.
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (24 May 2008):
 If he is so unhappy then I do think he has to have a serious think about his career as life is not all about money etc and you do learn to adapt if you change income/career etc. BUT the question you asked wasnt really about that but seems to be about what you can do to help him. All i can say is be there for him and support him, try not to put to many demands on him as he is very stressed out already. Dont concentrate on just getting him to have sex with you, when men are stressed sex is often the last thing on their minds and doesnt really relieve the stress but is another stress they have to deal with. Offer a massage or to run his bath or do something for him to take some pressure off him etc. Once you get him relaxed you may be able to get him to open up to you more and talk about your future etc but to be honest I think he needs to decide what he wants from life, a stressful career that consumes him or a normal happy life x
...............................
A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (23 May 2008):
 It's the life choices you make, and only you and your husband can decide those. You set your priorities between you, and if those are for a reasonably nice house and everything that goes with that - then yes, you may well need to work long hours and end up being exhausted much of the time.
It won't be forever. It will ease, and the time you spend together will become greater and more meaningful. Until then, that's what you are stuck with.
What's the alternative? Change your lifestyle completely. Sell the house and find somewhere to live where the mortgage or rent is very much less and that you can afford if your husband does a less demanding job. Do you want to do that? I suspect not.
Maybe, just maybe, he could go to his boss and explain the problem. I would guess that it's not going to be an option for him to work shorter hours each day, but it may well be an option for him to have more days off. If the work is causing depression, then any employer who values his employees will understand that it's much better to lose them for an extra few days a month than to risk losing them altogether.
What your husband needs from you - and what it sounds like you are already giving him - is support. If your job is far less demanding, then you do have the time to make his life at home as relaxing as it can be. It might be, tiring, demanding, stressful and depressing as the job is, he needs the sort of focus in his life that the job gives him. Being a "workaholic" isn't uncommon - and if that's the case then you are far more likely to succeed by pushing the "more days off" than any ideas of shorter working hours on the days he does work.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miss sunshine  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 well your situation is a little tricky. it seems you ran out of ideas. i can suggest you one this. one time he gets back from work surpire him with the following. great ambience. you know candles and stuff. slow music and a WONDERFUL dinner on the table. you try to look your best! give him ALL the attention and enjoy the night........but that is only for one time. so what you can do is talk to him. don't press him or anything. just a little chat where you can show him what you've been through. i am sure he will understand and you can find a solution just the two of you. this way you put your problems on the table and you see what you can do. things like that must be discussed in a couple! no counsiling or therapy can help you the way you can help each other!! ;)
...............................
|
