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female
,
*nly A Woman
writes: Ok, recently my husband took a new job(a little over 2 months now) and he has had to travel for it. The first two months he was home for maybe a month of that. And this morning he left again and will be gone til Friday. This has been very tough on all involved, me, him, and our 3 year old daughter. He and I were never really apart from each other for more than one or two days at best in the seven years we have been together. The thing is that I find myself having mistrust when he is away. I wonder what he is doing when he isn't working and I go nuts if I try to call him and he isn't picking up his cell phone.He has once told me that I was the first person that he has never cheated on and coming from a relationship where I was cheated on left and right really tore me up. I tried so hard to get over it for so long and I thought I was coming along nicely, but there are still times where I go absolutely out of my mind. I have even had some minor issues with him, one was early on when I found he had a profile on a dating site and I confronted him on it and I never saw anything after that. But then every so often I see that he visits porn sites and it makes me wonder......This is going to sound strange, but I am a confident person, I know he loves me, but I am just so unsure and I want these feelings to just go away. So how do I deal with and move past this......I think that I try to look for things so I can be one step ahead and never get hurt like I was before, but I am hurting myself in the process.
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female
reader, StarNews +, writes (8 March 2006):
 There are valid reasons why you are feeling these insecurities, they would not just come out of the blue. When you are feeling this way, it is your gut instinct and intuition trying to tell you something.
I feel that his profile in a dating sight is far from a minor issue. Its a big red flag. If you felt confident in the relationship, you would not be having doubts and feelings of mistrust. And you shouldnt feel that you HAVE to believe in him, it should come naturally.
What are the chances of him asking you along on one these trips? Maybe you should pay him a surprise visit.
I dont think there is any way to overcome what you are feeling. He has planted the seed of doubt by his actions, and it is no wonder you do not trust him.
A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (7 March 2006):
 Well this is just one of those times in life where you are not in controle and so must just trust him.
If you continue trying to catch him out and worrying yourself sick about what he is doing you are for certain going to make yourself ill.
When he is away you will not know what he is up to so for the sake of your health and happiness you will just have to try and keep any thoughts o fhis cheating to the back of your mind.
I am pressuming that he gets better pay with this job and so giving it up is not an option, if he does just focus on how better your lives will be with the additional income, maybe not in the near future but in the long term it will benefit you and you can have nice holidays together etc.
When he comes home you need to try and not give him the spanish inquisition as soon as he walks through the door ( I would be tempted!!) you need to think about your daughter and remember to keep things as normal as possible around her, this will be hard but needs to be done.
Good luck with this and remember he does love you or he would not be working away to get extra income for the family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2006): To be honest, I am the same person you are. I'm insanely suspicious and I just CANNOT handle myself when I call my boyfriend when he is away and he doesn't answer!
And just like you, I was not always like this. I was once in a relationship where I was cheated on and that's where I picked up this obsessive habit of doubting my boyfriend and checking his e-mail and phone all the time!
I totally relate to what you do to avoid being hurt (like you said: "I think that I try to look for things so I can be one step ahead and never get hurt like I was before…”) That is what I do too... and this is what needs to STOP.
What I am trying to say is – coming from where (we) have been, I think it is natural for us to want to be careful. It took me a while, but slowly, I learnt that just because I was cheated on once, does not mean that I will always be cheated on… and I forced myself to trust people more.
Give your husband that much space and push yourself to trust him more. The way you can do this is by NOT keeping tab of what he might be doing when he is not working. Remember: What you DON’T know CANNOT hurt you.
Besides, I don’t think there is any issue with your husband. I think you only need to deal with YOUR insecurities. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, bridget +, writes (7 March 2006):
 Hi there Only A Woman... I know how you feel my boyfriend works away and I have also beeen treated coldly in the past, I just thought id give some helpful advice as i know what you are going through....
Insecurities in Relationships are hard and everyone gets them I understand that you get them frequently due to the fact that you were hurt in the past, and have a child to think about..
I suggest that you sit him down where its just the two of you and do something for you for once, Go out have dinner, Get a babysitter, and calmly explain to him that you are hurting inside because you have insecurities about certain subjects that have happened before you met him..
You should make it clear that you are not blaming any guilt on him just because he works away alot..Just that you cannot seem to move on inside about what happened to you befoe in a previous realationship...
You must first come to terms with what has happened in the last relationship that you were in.. You are halfway there with admitting that you are a confident person!! So congratulate yourself for that.. I hope you get on a bit better and if any of that doesnt help, I strongly suggest that you try Counselling for yourself on a one to one basis.. It helps trust me..
Jacqueline
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