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writes: I'm in a relationship with a very wonderful guy. We compliment each other very well and have a very healthy relationship and can talk freely about any issues we have or feelings that need to be resolved. But there's one problem -- I can't understand why he doesn't like me giving him a blowjob! I've asked him about it and he's told me that oral sex is something that he looks at as degrading. I know I'm not bad at it, and I actually enjoy giving it! He's not a prude and has looked at porn before (but would never watch guys ejaculating on girls or anything besides guy-on-girl). He doesn't like to ejaculate on me either. He says if it was something like a one night stand he wouldn't think twice about it, but he loves me and cares about me. I've given him a hand job before when sex wasn't an option, and he had no problem with that. I've never heard of a guy that prefers making love over a bj, but then again I've never had someone that loves me like he does. Are there other guys out there that feel this way?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of the comments! I'm writing over a year later because I've just let it go. Honestly it isn't that big of a deal and like one person said 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' and several others that said 'just let it be'.
I think my worry came from generalizing males too much and just not accepting that it is something that he doesn't prefer over sex. I've accepted that it's just as simple as he likes to feel me more. He's also become more accepting of me touching and playing with him, and doesn't think so lowly if I want to use my mouth. I think that he now knows that it's ok because I get just as much enjoyment out of it as he does (ok, almost!). He thinks it's hillarious how I love his stuff - but I do! It seems silly but I kinda understand why guys always have their hands down their pants now!
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female
reader, pixeydust  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 My boyfriend is like this as well. The way that he looks at it is that men use women for sex (i.e. prostitution and most websites have women on them, which men pay for) women are portrayed to be sluts or hoes and therefore, coming with that are pictures of men cumming in womens mouths and women giving men blowjobs. Some gentleman can't get that mental picture out of their head and they respect women too much to do that to them, even though the woman wants them to do it. My boyfriend and I have this problem in another area. Anyways, it's just a respect issue and some very special men out there think women should be valued instead of used.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love your answer! I agree with you totally. You see, I made a huge mistake at a young age and had sex before I was ready. Because of this I've had a really hard time learning the dynamics of sex and it's true meaning. I believe I'm at a place now where I understand everything I should (with room to build on!) as a young, mature adult, and to be able to have a relationship with a guy I could honestly say I could marry. My boyfriend is about 6/7 yrs older than me, and we talked about each other's past when we first came into this relationship. I explained to him the series of events in my past relating with the opposite sex, what was going through my mind at the time and why I see now that my actions and what I allowed to happen (physically, emotionally, and mentally) in the relationship were not right and less than I deserve. I've learned so much about myself and other people in the almost 7 years of my sexual history. He was willing to grant me the grace of understanding that I have done things that I'm not proud of now because I didn't really know the true meaning of them, and overlooking them.So yes, I have done it to other guys. He also knows that not anyone I dated had the respect for me that I deserved, and I now know this too. Him and his actions have taught me this to the nth degree. I didn't have the best example growing up b/c my mom never required enough respect from the men she dated, so it took me a while to figure it out. My b/f is mature and wise enough (and out of love!) to fully understand that I just plain didn't know better at the time. The important thing is, I do now!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): This one maybe a little long, but bear with me folks. I have this very same mentality as the boyfriend. I'm not a nutcase, or a closet case.. i didnt have strict religious upbringing... actually no religious upbringing at all, im agnostic. Just about every culture on earth has condescending/derogatory terms for oral sex. In English, someone doesnt call you a cocksucker to show you respect or compliment you. or they dont tell you to go suck a dick or simply "you suck" to be nice to you. they mean that in a derogatory way...and it is likeways throughout most cultures (I don't want to say all because I don't know all cultures). To me, I see it as the ultimate in lowering/subordinating yourself to another human being, and if you have any self respect, dignity or pride, you shouldnt give oral sex. same goes for guys....I might not be able to put all my thoughts here, I think in any relationship, there is a power dynamic that plays out in many forms, one of them being sexual. There are also other sexual acts/positions that are dominating/subordinating in nature. Usually, the one getting the physical pleasure is in a dominant position. Even in nature, there are some types of monkeys (i forget which, but i remember this from anthropology class) that have rituals such as "mounting", which young make monkeys display as power in a group. it resembles doggy style. one question for you... does he care if you did it to other guys? I wouldnt be able to live with myself knowing that she has degraded and subordinated herself to other guys and now i "love" and "respect" her. I just don't see how that's possible...There is SO much more to say on this topic... but i don't want to ramble on... any comments?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer some of your questions -- He's gone down on me before, when we first started dating a few times so he doesn't have a problem with it. He thinks me giving him oral sex is degrading to me, and him giving me oral sex is degrading to him after you cross the 'love' barrier. Now he did have a very long relationship where this chick had some EXTREME funkyness going on down there...he would have to tell her that he has to stop just because it smelled so bad. So he has a phobia about it, even though he's told me that in no way do I have any funkyness going on down there. I've had enough guys lie to me in general to know that everything he says is extremely sincere and he wouldn't have a problem telling me the truth about it cause it's not something embarrassing or that would hurt my feelings.Now about the in the past thing - he did just tell me that for some reason his dad and him were having a convo about oral sex and his dad basically told him that it was degrading, that when you really love a woman sex is making love and oral sex just doesn't fit into that very well. Now while he holds the upmost respect for his dad, I don't say I totally agree with him - I'm just coming from the point that I'll do just about anything to please him - within reason and as long as he has the same attitude for me. His mom did catch him once in the shower...one of those mom's who's awkward about sex and doesn't ever talk about it. VERY embarrassing to him!Thanks for all of your feedback! Keep it coming!
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reader, MissKin  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 My boyfriend always thought blowjobs were 'degrading', he says he got this from watching things like porn - where guys are always shown to be quite forceful through the action. Blowjobs are actually really intimate and after i persuaded my boyfriend that it was all 'okay' and i wasn't going to feel like i was being disrespected, he gave in. You should feel good that he loves you so much that he doesn't want to disrespect you in anyway. don't worry about it. There's nothing wrong with him.
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reader, kittikat +, writes (23 March 2008):
 I dated a guy like this once, he wouldn't let me because he said that it made me a "whore" and that I was so much better than that and that he cared about me too much. I thought this was really weird because giving head was the least of the things about me that could be considered whorish, but whatever :-) It was a personal belief that he had and it stemmed from a strict religious upbringing. I too was raised in a strict Irish Catholic home and it was confusing because I didn't get that message. I respected it, but I knew our relationship wouldn't last. We had two extreme opposite views about sexual expression and after we had the "head" conversation it was pretty much over.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Who do he thinks it degrades?
I presume he thinks it is degrading for the woman to do it. Well in away that is very nice of him. If you look at society being a cocksucker is usually not a nice label.
Same really with cumming on a person. Bukkake, multiple men ejaculating on a woman, is often claimed to have originated in a japanese custom of punishing women. This is complete bull, it was invented by the japanese porn industry to work around censorship laws, but it shows how some people think of it.
You may just have to talk with him and explain how you feel about doing it and that you don't consider it degrading at all and instead see it as a deeply intimate act you do because you love him.
Consider yourself lucky, another woman writes he husband wants nothing but.
Does he have a problem with going down on you?
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 I have to start commending Uncle Phil on his humourous but truly remark about teeth :-), and, of course, also in his clever remark about oral sex not always being what it is said to be. I guess the easy summary would be that, as with the rest of lovemaking, fellatio is a learned skill, and some women are much better at it than others.
Now, regarding your question, poster, my take on this would be following that old saying: "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". If he doesn't want that, well, let him be. He has an obvious issue here: oral sex is something that only "bad" girls do. But I think that, as in all other aspects of sex, if there's something that your partner won't do, just let him be.
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reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (23 March 2008):
 "he doesn't like me giving him a blowjob"
Wow.
i mean... Just Wow.
sounds like he needs to see a sex therapist. i mean. guys got issues,
if its Degrading.. then he woulnd't do it on one night stands either. just urious. but.. reguardless of how degrading he finds it. does he enjoy it. ask him that. just saying putting the degrading part aside, is it enjoyable?
i'd be interested to hear his reaction.
if he does enjoy it then theres alot of conflict there, like he's holding something back.. he enjoys it but.. UGH NO ITS WRONG!
kinda like in the Rocky Horror picture show.
Ugh no what the hell are you doing? you're not Janet!!.. no!! please!!!... don't...stop...Don't stop!
and of course if he says no.. then well he really needs to see a professional.
sounds like theres something in his past that is well rooted in his mind that this is degrading/ ask him about when he first started masturbating. ask him if anyone ever caught him and told him off about it.
let us know
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): Could be many reasons for his reaction. Religious? Was scolded by his parents for playing with it? Afraid the one performing will bite it off? Has seen someone abused and oral was involved? Has had friends talk about their experiences, which were degrading to women, where oral was involved?Asking why he feels it degrading would be the next question to ask.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): Blowjobs are quite nice when done with care, but personally I think they're vastly overrated. I much prefer giving to receiving but having said that, I wouldn't turn down the chance of being given one!
I guess I'm one of those men that you've never heard of who prefers normal sex. I suppose the crux of the matter is that pussies don't have teeth.
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male
reader, Flubber79 +, writes (23 March 2008):
He sounds weird, probably a closet case!!
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Some guys have that inhibitions.
In their culture , it is derogatory to suck his dick.
Only bad girls do that.
Anyone can suck his except his g/f .
It is a kind of respect for his g/f in his culture .
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