A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are both 20 (almost 21) and have been together for a little over four months now. He was a smoker for two years before he started dating me and he told me he would quit once we started dating; that was the ultimatum I set for him and he chose me. Well, he DID quit... for about three months. And then he said he to had quit for himself.So he's been smoking again the last four weeks and I've been having a terrible time accepting it. He said it's part of who he used to be and I said, "Keywords: Used to be!" In my own morals here, I consider smoking anything with tobacco in it like cheating. I just can't be with someone who does that.I love my boyfriend dearly and I really can see us growing old together even though it's only been four months. He said he'd quit for himself by Thanksgiving this year and I'm keeping his word for it but for some reason, I just can't hold my breath for that.Should I just give him the extra three weeks to kick his toxic habit or tell him to weggehen!? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, wayneh3891  +, writes (8 April 2011):
To Daphne and anyone else who thinks you are over reacting: She is not over reacting at all, having seen the effects first hand of smoking cigarettes I can tell you she has every reason to be concerned. Smoking causes more deaths than illegal drugs. Most people who die because of smoking related diseases die very painfully, having witnessed over 600 people die on a cancer ward that I worked on for just 1 year think about that, that is just 1 ward in 1 hospital, I can tell you that anyone who says smoking is not a big deal has never seen the suffering that I have seen. It is absolutely heart breaking, I cannot begin to describe the agony that these patients are in I cry frequently for the people I have cared for and for their families it is just as upsetting, having to watch someone die from lung cancer and to have their family visit them every day watching the pain they are in fighting for breath is unbearable. To be quite frank, cigarette companies should be banned from putting nicotine in cigarettes, the cost of human lives is so great, it really does break my heart. However I am in the same situation as you:I am going out with my bf who smokes at the weekend, we got engaged last week (he asked me), when we first met me he smoked all the time, I told him that I didn't like it because I was worried about his health and that I didn't want to have to visit him in hospital in 20 years or maybe earlier because of this awful habit, so he cut down and now only smokes when he goes out at the weekend (he works in a pub so I understand that stopping smoking in that kind of environent would be difficult). It still makes me very upset everytime I see him have one, it breaks my heart because I don't ever want to lose him and I hate seeing him poisoning himself. I love him with all my heart and will be with him for the rest of my life I hope, as I write this now thinking about what he is doing to his body is getting me so upset. He loves me and has told me that he will give up eventually, I have told him that I will love him forever but I cant be around him in say 2 years if he hasn't stopped by then (who knows in 2 years time if he hasn't stopped smoking I may not care), I know that may sound selfish but I don't want to put myself through the agony of having to visit him in hospital if he ends up dying because of cigarettes, I would die of a broken heart, knowing that the addiction of cigarettes has ended his life . He tells me just to live for today and not to worry about the future, but my experiences and the thought of him not being with me when we are old is just unbearable. I totally understand where you are coming from, when you love someone you cant help it, I fell in love with him at first sight, years ago I said I would never date someone who smokes because I couldn't handle the pain of probably eventually losing them to an early death. Stick by him, ask yourself this, how upset would you be if you broke up with him now? I know that I couldn't break up with Jayms as my life would be unbearable without him but at the same time it would be unbearable to lose him due to health problems related to smoking (which will invariably happen if he doesn't give up). Just give him some time. :-) x
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male
reader, soon567 +, writes (1 November 2010):
I smoke a pack of day. You hold his foot to the fire and don't budge.
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female
reader, Daphne...x +, writes (1 November 2010):
To be honest, if you haven't smoked before, it's not as easy as just saying "quit". Everyone has a right to make their own choices, and if he can't handle stopping by you using an ultimatum on him, then you need to support him. Smoking isn't as bad as cheating or drinking or doing drugs, although it does have alot of bad effects. If you really love him you should just accept him for who he is and what he does. You can't always change a person because you don't agree with something they do. If someone said they wouldn't be with me because I smoke then I would tell them to get to lol, I think you're over-reacting a little.
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reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (1 November 2010):
 Everyone's entitled to their own morales so if smoking's like cheating to u, go forth as you wish, but if we want to be rational and logical thinkers, no its not. Not even a little.
Giving up smoking is a difficult process and relapsing is common. If you want him to quit, help him until he hopefully, potentially, maybe quits, don't demand and expect.
Or do, depends on whether u think its as easy as throwing cigarettes in the trash really. Maybe it is. Maybe nicotine is tasty, not addictive.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Wel smoking should'nt be all that a big deal for you to accept, i think he needs your help right now becurse deviating away frm smoking is the problem he has now. So you can start thinking of quite @ this point. You need to be by him at all time, make him understand the consquesence of what he is doing. Let him know that the way he is going is not taking you people any were. Wel all the same he is dem wrong by failling his promies he had made @ the begning.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): Sweetie~It's understandable that you are upset that your boyfriend failed to sustain his promise. However, I think you are being a bit to critical and unsympathetic regarding his tobacco addiction..and. Most tobacco users are as repulsed with the habit as is non-tobacco users...Unfortunately it is often an addiction that is exceptionally difficult to relinguish..and if the tobacco user succeeds in reliquishing the addiction, it is equally difficult for him to resist the tempation of resuming the addiction.
I smoked cigarettes for years, and fortunately succeeded at relinguishing the habit for 4 years..UNFORTUNATELY, 3 months ago I relapsed to smoking cigarettes as a consequence of heart-break, and even up to this point I'm still a 'Dragon Lady'
Am I disappointment in myself for having relapsed to smoking? ABSOLUTELY! Am I repulsed and embarrassed by the self-destructive, foul habit? ABSOLUTELY! Do I want to relinguish the habit asap? Absolutely! I'm trying and eventually I will once again succeed at relinguishing it and hopefully this time around it will be forever. Thankfully I have the understanding and support of a dear friend to help me along the way, as the last thing I need is constant verbal reprimands about a vice I know and abhore more than anyone aside from me, as irrational as it might sound one's reprimand wil only have an adverse effect and provoke me to Puff and Huff and Blow the chimney up more.
So with this said Sweetie, know that your bf's behavior is by no means a reflection of his valuation or worth of you.
My advice is ~ Research tobacco addition as well as understanding and supportive ways to walk hand in hand with your boyfriend through his struggle with tobacco. Isn't that what Love's all about? Do you truly love all of him..OR..only parts of him?~
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Drop him. I personally don't think smoking is that big of a deal, but it matters to you. And when it matters to you, and you pointed that out from day 1, he should respect that. He is feeding you a line, he wont quit by this or that time. He might think he will, but quitting doesn't happen like that it. Here's how to quit smoking: you throw out all your cigarettes and never touch them again. You don't smoke for "just" three more weeks. Thats not how you quit. Thats how you CONTINUE.
You didn't want to date him until he quit the smoking. He thinks that now that he's got you in the palm of his hand he doesn't have to bother any more. If you ever meant what you said back then you need to show him it wasn't epmty words. Leave. You don't want to be with a smoker and it bothers you too much to stay.
Let him know you might come back once he's clean. Not sooner. And you wont sit around to wait for him either. He brok ehis promise to you, your trust, and he has shown disrespect. Don't applaud this behavior. Don't let him think this is ok.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): I think its great that you're trying to get him to quit smoking because it's bad for anyone to smoke but ultimatums aren't such a cool thing to do. Especially since you haven't even been seeing eachother for very long at all. I reserve those for last ditch efforts only. Not right out of the gate type of thing to say. So the advice I'm giving you is to RELAX a little. I mean keep your skyhigh standards but accept the fact not everyone has your moral superiority. You're young still, if you start out NOW with demands and ultimatums, you won't be very happy down the line, I promise. Also, if you refuse to be with someone who smokes, don't pursue smokers. Give the rest of the world a little slack, most of us are bums and losers with little shame in our game and this will eventually let you down. How hard all depends on how much you expect from us in the first place. GOod luck.
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male
reader, owulo james  +, writes (31 October 2010):
i advise you buy a packet for him and tell him,this should be his last smoke or you quit the relationship.just try this practical and once you notice he did not qiut,i think is better you find your way becouse he his not ready to change and your agreement was to change his habit...remember smokers are liable to die young.
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reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 You told him you'd only date him if he quit smoking, so yeh, this could be considered a form of cheating. I wouldn't give him any wiggle room with this at all personally... if he thinks he can bend your ultimatum once, (and a very reasonable one at that), whats stopping him from doing it again? and again?
Plus the more he does it- the harder its going to be for him to quit. Hell, I kinda like the idea (in theory) of buying a packet for him, saying "this is your last packet, you have one day to smoke them all, then at midnight you've quit or I've walked." Pretty bold, but I still like that idea... there really is no need to smoke, its pointless... (and that's coming from a regular smoker :P)
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