A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What to do if he's stopped showing interest in planning the wedding?After two years in a long distance relationship, my fiance and I are finally living together(we've been engaged over a year)-going on three weeks. We have both been busy getting adjusted, etc, but the topic of our upcoming wedding has rarely come up. When it does, I am the one who always initiates it, or suggests touring the venues, etc. It is met with little to no enthusiasm. I would back off, but there is a lot of planning involved and we don't have a lot of time to do it (long story) Neither of us can commit to the type of wedding we wish to have-but again, I am the only one bringing it up at all. It's hard not to think that he has lost interest in pursuing getting married. Should I just back off and not talk about it at all anymore despite the time constraints?
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female
reader, MSA +, writes (2 September 2015):
 I hope you don't take this the wrong way....
First question is - has he officially proposed to you or is it just assumed that after you move in together that you will get married?
Is there a date set? Both of you have talked to your parents/family and they are aware?
The reason why I say this is I have a friend who was dating this guy for over 5 years, she felt it was time they get married because every one is getting married. He agreed... semi reluctantly. So they went through planning, she always complained about how he doesn't seem too interested in the planning, venue, etc etc... They argued and he said he wasn't ready. They broke up... then got back together. Again she wanted a wedding, he even decorated a big sign and proposed and everything. This time she planned it alone again... two days before the wedding, he bailed.
I agree that men won't be as detailed and as excited as women when it comes to planning a wedding but you will still feel their interest and their attention to every thing you are telling them and your choices for venues, food, etc etc. He will still want to participate in the planning and have a say. You will know it in your heart and gut if this guy is really into it. Don't ignore that feeling. When you know that, then you will be able to understand whether he participates more or less.
Good luck & Congrats!!
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 September 2015):
 My husband wasn't really big on planning the wedding either. He was all about planning the honeymoon afterward and focused on where we were going to live after we got married (we didn't live together beforehand). He was in on who we were inviting, but even then, I handled most of that.
The biggest thing in your post is this: "Neither of us can commit to the type of wedding we wish to have".
I'm wondering if YOU are having second thoughts about your wedding. Most women know what type of wedding they want, and usually the florist, the DJ, the dress store, they all help with the final details.
I agree that you should talk to him before jumping to conclusions. Have you two set a date yet? If not, that should be the very first thing to discuss, since you mentioned how long you've been engaged as opposed to when you are to marry (what many people describing the length of their engagement bring up instead of how much time has passed).
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (2 September 2015):
 I'm guessing about 95% of men do not get into weddings. It just isn't their thing, they are out of their element, like a fish out of water. They don't have a clue what is involved and quite honestly don't really care too much as long as their lady is happy. I think they are just lost. A wedding is pretty much the bride's day. Talk to your guy and let him know what you need and expect of him. I wouldn't say he doesn't care, he probably just doesn't have a clue what to do. Most men are relieved when the woman takes charge from what I have seen. TALK TO HIM! Congratulations and good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 September 2015):
 I don't think I have ever- ever ! - met any guy who was too excited with wedding planning. Except perhaps for choosing the honeymoon location, or their own wedding attire ( for the fashion-conscious : otherwise , not even that ).
What for you is eciting and thrilling and interesting, for him is an awful drag that he is only too happy to ignire/ unload on someone else.
You simply need to assign him tasks, precise tasks. You tell him :" Darling, I need you to order flowers for the church ( or to confirm the seating plan with the caterer, or whatever ). Yes , I know that this is an inconvenience and a bother, but , time flies, we are getting closer to the wedding date, and I just CAN'T possibly do it all by myself ".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2015): It's not about the wedding. It's about the cost, or time, or having moved houses, or new jobs, or his feelings about you or stress. Sit down with your fiance and ask him how he's feeling. About anything and everything. What he's happy about, sad about, anxious about, looking forward to etc.
After enduring 2 years long distance, my guess is he loves you very much.
He will love you even more for you not getting exasperated by his apparent lack if interest but really listening to his needs with the intention if being supportive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2015): Heterosexual men don't usually share the same enthusiasm over "wedding-planning" as women. We gay men may share it, but for the same reasons as women. All the pomp and circumstance.
He may not care much about wedding dresses, cakes, flowers, or place settings. That's what mothers, sisters, gay wedding-planners, and girlfriends are for. It is quite normal for a guy to get easily saturated; if you're always talking about it. It's really the bride's day anyway.
Now if he doesn't seem to be very excited about "getting married" that's different. Bear in mind, men don't put a lot of hoop-t-do behind that either.
Male excitement over weddings may be subdued by societal roles assigned to gender.
Wedding-planning is not a particularly "masculine" topic.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 September 2015):
 Ask him straight out?
Remind him of the time issue and then ask him to SIT down with you and talk wedding. A where, when, who (will attend), what time etc.
I get that he might not be overly interested in the process, but... it doesn't mean he doesn't want to get married. He might just not be super interested in the "process".
I have been to countless weddings and I honestly don't recall one where the groom had much of an input in venue, decorations, food etc. That was usually the bride/ mother of the bride and mother in law.
So TALK to him, don't go guessing.
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