A
female
age
30-35,
*rincesskatee
writes:This is going to be crazy long and probably a crazy story. Thanks for bearing with me. My best friend is a male. We've been friends for 3 years. When we met he was married. I was dating and I was never interested in him anyway. Flash forward to a few months ago. He's separated from his wife and I'm single. Still no feelings between us. We hung out everyday and I've never been so close with any friend before. He was dating a mutual acquaintance, she ended up cheating and breaking his heart. I was there for him during the whole break up with her as well as the separation from his wife. When signing divorce papers and making everything finalized they ended up sleeping together. Flash forward to now. She's pregnant. They're still separated and he says he has no intention of getting back together with her. He also recently told me he was in love with me. He apparently realized all this while seeing me be there for him thru all his problems. I've started to see myself feel the same way. Bottom line is, am I a complete fool for even considering this?
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female
reader, LeaLea89 +, writes (13 August 2014):
I was the pregnant wife, and my ex husband cheated on me throughout my pregnancy, and for the first 2-4 months of my son's life. He told the other women (yes, three of them as a matter of fact) that he was only staying with me until the baby was born, that he loved them and not me, that I was a bitch and he wanted to leave me. Meanwhile, he was telling me that it was over with her ( I was only aware of one of the women at the time), that he wanted us to be a family, and, you guessed it, he loved me and not her. He told me she was easy, a whore, etc. Basically he lied to both of us. When my son was 4 months old, I made the decision to leave him, get a divorce and move in with my parents. The woman he talked about in such a negative way is still with him, and he's still cheating. How do I know? Because my son has started spending time with his father and while he's been good to our child, he still tries to get back together with me. They have 3 kids together now, and he pursued me throughout each of her pregnancies. So, therefore I believe that if a man will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you. Cheating shows his lack of respect for his wife, himself, and YOU TOO! Either you will knowingly share him with his wife or you will eventually find yourself in her shoes. Neither sounds very appealing to me. Dump him, even if he leaves his wife, run the other way. He's not worth it.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 August 2014):
 I hate to be so direct with you, but YES, this is an extremely foolish idea for considering this. This is not good at all, and I think you have romantic blinders on to what kind of person your guy friend truly is. You have been swallowing this guy's version of things without any sense of actually analyzing the true issues.
He's dragging out a separation, and the divorce isn't finalized. He got her pregnant through "meaningless" sex (which I do not buy), so any relationship you'd have starts with an incredible amount of emotional and financial baggage.
He is still married, and obviously still enjoying marital relationships. That means he's MARRIED.
And there's something else:
You have been having FALSE intimacy with him. You said that he realizes that he loves you because you've "been there" for him throughout all of his troubles. That's a classic sign of using you as an ego salve, and as romantic as it sounds, it's actually a pretty major red flag. What happens when life is no longer drama-filled, and your role changes beyond you being there for his other relationships? What happens when you are his only relationship and his reason for loving you is no longer there? Or worse, what if he creates drama between the child's mother and you in order to stoke your caretaking behavior in order to drink it down for his ego?
Or even worse than that, when your relationship experiences normal conflict that happens with every relationship, and he gets his ego salved by someone else who's there for him through YOUR conflict?
It boils down to how he is treating his wife, and that is your future with him. Impregnating her, leaving her, sleeping around while he's separated, dragging out the separation, and he's not even talking about his child and their plans for her, which to a drama lover would be cheating fodder for you to get really hurt.
All in all, very unhealthy for you. You can do so much better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): " . . .he says he has no intention of getting back together with her."
And what is he saying to his pregnant wife?
"Bottom line is, am I a complete fool for even considering this?"
Yes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 August 2014):
 Honestly, it sounds like a big pile of stinking drama waiting to happen.
I would NOT date him till:
1. the divorce is FINAL. (he might be separated but he is still LEGALLY married til the divorce is final).
2. He has been divorced and ON his own for a good while. You don't want to end up being the rebound caretaker. The woman who was conveniently there when he was "single".
The whole, he slept with her but don't care for her? Yea, I don't totally buy it. And honestly if he was DUMB enough to sleep with her NOT using protection then it sounds like a "heat of the moment" kind of thing. Not smart at all.
I'd stay friend and KEEP romance out of it for a good 6-2 months after the divorce is final.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (8 August 2014):
 I think at the moment his head is all over the place. He's rushed into to everything and he probably doesn't know what he himself feels anymore.
It seems for him its just gone from one thing to the next, separating with his wife, getting with a new woman, being cheated on, getting divorced, having sex with wife once more, now a childs on the way and he has said he loves you.
It is kinda crazy, but I am not doubting he may well feel something for you, after all sometimes people realize that there bestfriends are there soulmate after a certain period of time. However regardless of both of your feelings this is not the time for him to be entering into anymore relationships.
He needs a break, everyone needs some recovery time, and for his ex-wife being pregnant with his child, well we all know that a lot can change when little people arrive.
He needs to keep his head clear, have a break from dating, get back on his feet before he makes his mind up what he wants to do, as I fear if you do announce your feelings for him now or start entering into a relationship with him, you will basically be used as a rebound, and then it could end up you being caught in the mist of it all.
Also at the moment I am not 100% sure he has even started to get over his wife yet, and you don't want to get with him, then two months down the line he decides he's going to leave you and get back with his wife, then that would of course mean you wouldn't just get hurt, but you'd also lose your bestfriend too.
You need to give it time, you need to let him work out what he wants to do with his life, you need to let him get back on his feet. Otherwise any relationship he has is just going to crumble and fall apart. You also need to keep in mind that some people are just better of as friends instead of partners, and once you get with someone and if you happen to break up it could mean the end of your friendship.
Keep your feelings to yourself for now, let him sort his head and emotions out, don't jump into anything and just wait and see how he feels in the next couple of months or until after the baby has arrived. Also take some time yourself to think about what you might want to do with this situation.
We all know that if someone truly loves you then they will come to you when they are ready, and he isn't ready.
Good Luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): Pretty sure he didn't intend on sleeping with her again, but he did it anyway, AND you were his knight in shining armour through all of this, so it's not surprising he suddenly feels in love with you. Personally, I think it would be silly because it has rebound written all over it. Distancing yourself would be best for him to heal.
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