A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunties and Uncles. I need some help. I appreciate all advice given! This is a book! I apologize in advance! lolI met a man online months ago. Our relationship began as just casual pen pals and we soon became online friends. A couple months after having met online, we progressed to texting buddies and we really hit it off. We have so much in common, as far as interests go. We've seemed to share similar outlooks on life and relationships. We've both been hurt many times by the user boyfriend/girlfriend. He's expressed a desire for just a girlfriend he can be comfortable around and hang out with. He's stressed that he wants something deeper with someone. After roughly five months of chatting nearly everyday, we decided to meet up in person. I was a little nervous of the situation, but he ended up being a completely normal and likable guy--or so it seemed. So, we met for coffee and chatted for a few hours. I was convinced all was well and this was safe. A few weeks later, he took me out for a nice date--movies, dinner, the whole shabang. I had fun and he seemed to, as well. We ended up back at his place for a little while, just kindheartedly snuggling on the couch. It eventually progressed to some heavy kissing and he attempted to feel me up a bit, lol. I stopped him and said we needed to go a little slower. He asked me why and I was a little put off by this, but I just told him there was a natural progression to relationships and this was not a step I was quite ready for. I mean, this was ONLY our second meeting and I was already being groped, lol. He backed off and didn't press it. He seemed a little disappointed, honestly. I attributed that to he might have felt severely shot down and, of course, we both were feeling quite a bit of an attraction. (We've discussed things sexual, of course, and have been rather flirty in some of our latter messages. So, I thought maybe he was just feeling it a lot, so to speak.) But he kissed me bye and seemed fine. Other than that, everything was great.I texted him a couple of days later, telling him thanks for a great night and he immediately told me he had a great time, too, and asked if I wanted to make plans for the upcoming weekend. I said sure and so we did. I texted him the night before to confirm the time for our plans and he told me he had to go on a trip for work and we had to reschedule. I was a little irritated that he hadn't messaged me to tell me, but he said he had just been busy and was tired from the traveling. This is pretty usual behavior, though, these impromptu business trips. They've been happening since even our emailing began. He promised to reschedule and make it up to me. I expressed no outward irritation and said that it was completely fine. The next day, he happily messaged me, declaring he would be home a little earlier than expected that weekend and wanted to know if I could still get together with him. I said I needed to check my plans, but otherwise would love to. So, we made plans. That day came and he messaged me that morning that he had to go into work again. (Again, he talks about working weekends ALL the time.) He was apologetic, but insisted on not canceling our plans, but only postponing them until later that day. I had nothing important going on and agreed to wait until later. A message came early afternoon that he would be home soon and that we could carry on with our usual plans and time. I began to get ready and was nearly about to leave when he sent me a text, telling me he had been called in again because something was broken. He seemed irritated by it all, but again this is thru texts, so how can I truly know? lol He said he'd message when he was done. A couple of hours later, he tells me he is home. I ask if I should still come over. He tells me that he's so frustrated from work that he doesn't think it would be a good idea. I'm pretty angry by this, having let him keep me hanging all day to just be disappointed. But I don't outwardly say anything or make an issue of it. I just replied, "...Oh, okay." He then said he was sorry and that he just needed to clear his mind and not make his frustration any worse. I asked him what he meant about making things worse and he then proceeded to tell me that he just didn't want to do anything that night unless it lead to "a lot", so its best not to hang out at all and that what he is saying most likely doesn't make much sense. I got very mad at this. If he truly was working all day and was frustrated from his job and tired from his supposed traveling, that's one thing and I really would not be upset about it. However, if that's the case, then just cancel the plans completely, right? Give me an excuse and tell me maybe next weekend. I wouldn't be angry, in the least, but, of course, a little disappointed. However, the comments he made really irked me! I read that as "If you aren't going to screw me tonight or make my night worthwhile, I'd rather not see you tonight." and I was also left wondering if I'm being jerked around and lied to. I demanded to know what he meant and if what I thought was correct. He told me he was sorry and that it was just how he was feeling that day. He said it would pass, he would get over his issues, and we could hang out next weekend. I told him I understood he might be tired and frustrated, but that doesn't give him the right to insinuate something so rude. He simply restated that with how frustrated he was, he didn't think it was a good idea to hang out. I let the conversation end there. I am so confused. He has been persistent of me, asking to make most of our plans. I've had great times with him thus far, whether in online conversation, on the phone, or in person. But now, I don't know what to think! I asked two friends for their opinions. One said I should ask if he is seeing anyone else and that she is wondering if he might be lying to me. However, my other male friend said, since he has been talking of lots of work and traveling since day one, that he was most likely just very busy, had had a bad day, and just wanted to be alone, which my friend said was understandable. My male friend also added that he might not wanted to see me because he didn't want to also be left sexually frustrated that night as well. lolI don't plan on messaging or calling him anytime soon. I want to see if he initiates or even apologizes for jerking me around. I also am slightly offended. But after hearing a male opinion, I don't know whether to brush it off as a bad day or take it to heart. So, my question: What the hell does this behavior mean? Is he just after sex? Is he interested in me? Is he lying to me? WTF?! lolThanks for reading!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice, gals. I really do appreciate it. I really considered everything you girls said.
For an update - He's messaged me several times, apologizing. I told him that, while I appreciate his apologies, I am very confused and put off by his comments. He's continued to apologize and say that he understands why I am upset with him. I've basically left it at that and am waiting to see where he takes it. I plan on seeing him, sometime in the near future, in person to talk, but I am curious to see if he will continue to be regretful and even if he might initiate and ask me to meet up and talk.
I do agree with all of you that this appears he might be after one thing and that he was incredibly insensitive in what he said. Trust me, I see it and I now have my guard up. Though, I must stress that this was unbelievably uncharacteristic; hence my immense confusion. Someone wrote that, if he truly liked me, he might be trying harder to see me. I must say that he has been the one who has been persistent of hanging out and scheduling our dates. However, I do see how that could be going the other way; he's desperate, wanting to see what he can get.
Ughh, men! They can be so confusing/frustrating/irritating! I'm not throwing him away just yet. I'm going to allow this to play out a little longer, but I'm NOT going to let him walk all over me.
Thanks again! :-)
A
female
reader, lovebird1  +, writes (4 October 2010):
I don't know if he's lying about work, but anyway he sounds very egocentric to me, and from what I hear you should really forget the guy.
If he was really into you, he'd write you in a different way, and his comment was very rude. Really. There's no excuse for that.
"He expressed a desire for a girlfriend he can just be comfortable and hang around with".
You know how that sounds to me? He wants somebody for comfort, but he's not willing to make a serious effort. If you were so important to him, he'd be more kind, and he'd be trying harder to see you.
Even if he was a nice guy that's just stressed out, would you really like a boyfriend who's always tired and frustrated from his work, and so lazy he wouldn't want to see you unless it was for sex? No, you wouldn't, I can tell you. Throw this fish back into the sea.
Wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): U made it clear to him that u dont want to rush things, so if he respects u and respects ur feelings he wouldn't have acted that way. He made it clear that if ur not gna have sex with him it will be for the best not to see him that night. and him having a lot of work and travelling a lot has nothing to do with him not being sensitive to ur feelings and understanding u. Just coz he's busy doesnt mean he has to be insensitive and disrespectul.
try talking to him, ask him on a date that excludes sex, andsee how he reacts. gd luckk
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 My honest opinion is it sounds like he is wanting to have sex with you and thats it. Ok when you mentioned that he tried it on back at his place on your second meeting well i would just put that down to a guy trying his luck, and good on you for saying no, but after him texting you that message well i think its plain rude and very disrespectful to me it just sounds like i dont want to see you unless you give me what i want. Ok so it is possible that he may have had to work but it sounds a bit far fetched the amount of times he cancelled you need to just be honest and open with this man, if he contacts you ask him to meet up for a chat and tell him that you would like to carry on seeing him but that you dont want to rush in to sex or anything you just want to take it slow and tell him you are'nt going to change your mind, his reaction to this should answer your question. Goodluck
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