A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my girlfriend and I have been together for about 13 months now. We're both in our 3rd year of college. We met our freshman year during the 2nd semester and became quick friends, which is very unusual for me. I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder as well as some social anxieties, which really make it difficult for me to make close friends, but none of it seemed to matter when I was with her. The summer went by and we both realized that we had more than platonic interests in each other, and it was less than 2 weeks into our sophomore year and we started dating. We were so happy together and were just inseparable during the whole year, and it was without a doubt the happiest year of my life.She's a linguistics major (primarily French) though I'm a pre-med Human Physiology major, so I'm sort of chained to my work here at the school. She made the decision to study abroad in France during this semester (first semester of junior year) back in March. I understood, as I know she was always looking for adventure and a semester abroad is almost an integral part of a linguistics major. She told me she wanted to go and find herself, which I also understood, as she grew up in a smaller suburb and didn't do a lot of traveling when she was younger, so I got that she was craving some adventure. It hurt me a little, in that I felt I had already found myself, and it was with her.The rest of the year flew by and as the date she was supposed to leave for France approached, she began to tell me she didn't even want to go and that she had found herself with me. It was a difficult emotion to feel, since I didn't want her dreading this chance for adventure because of me, but I was also touched that our feelings for each other were entirely mutual by now (although by this point we'd both made clear that our relationship was something very serious and probably life long). In preparation for her leaving she got a Blackberry that works on global networks, so I went ahead and got a Blackberry as well, since the Blackberry to Blackberry texting (called bbm) was free. Staying in communication I felt was the most important factor in staying together over the next 3 1/2 months. The day finally came that she departed for the semester, and it nearly killed me.The first few weeks of her semester were rough on her. She told me she was miserable and couldn't connect with anyone and just wanted to come home and be with me, as she missed just our day to day life together more than anything. She kept this from her family and friends, because she didn't want them thinking she was wasting a great opportunity, so the public blog she was keeping about her trip was rather more optimistic than truth. Of course, these few weeks (and still are) were a living hell for me, with just the general anxiety plaguing me all day. Like the feeling you get when you narrowly miss having a car accident, but I just get that on an off all day and I will have no idea what I'm anxious about. I remember telling her about how I couldn't see myself making any friends in my Cellular Biology class, since they all seemed rather precocious and unfriendly, and her replying that it was fine with her since she didn't want anyone replacing her. It struck me a unusual for her and almost a little selfish (not that I really minded), since she told me before she left that it was important to her for me to try and make some friends without her.Fast forward to now... She's having a blast and is getting the adventure she's been craving, and has met so many new people. Her blog now, when she remembers to update it, is pretty much about how much fun she's having and the things she's doing and seeing. In it she's said how great the food is and how beautiful it is and how she doesn't want to leave and brought up coming back after she met someone who was there on a Fulbright grant. Her contact with me is sort of diminishing though... She doesn't really just text me out of the blue just to say she loves me anymore (or texts me as often period), we don't skype like we used to (though to be fair video chatting just makes it worse for her, we discovered that when we were apart during winter break of our sophomore year), and I usually sit down and write out a note to her most every night on facebook (sent as a private message), which I just tell her about my day and how much I miss her and love her, which almost always she doesn't reply to. I just feel like I'm losing her to Paris. Before the suspicion arises, I'm entirely confident she's not cheating on me - the only male she's really in contact with is an Italian film student a few years older than she is, and is apparently quite hairy, which she's definitely not into :P Her mom (who I'm pretty close to) is there at the moment too visiting her, and I'm sure if something was going on she'd at least drop me a hint. My life is still as it was a month ago if not worse because I'm constantly worried about this. Compounded with the all the terrorist alerts going on in Europe at the moment which certainly do not help with the anxiety (I'm also going to fly over and visit her during Thanksgiving break), and just that I've only gotten through a month of this and am still looking at more than 2 more months of it, sometimes I just feel like I'm going to completely unravel. It's not like she's ignoring me, but I just feel like I'm putting so much effort into staying close and she's hardly putting any effort into it at all, and it just feels one way and like we're drifting. I realize she's very busy, but is it so much to ask that she just lets me know that she's doing ok and loves me every once in a while?Basically I want her to go out and spread her wings and have an adventure, but just by the end of it be satisfied and be ready to come home and we'd be back to normal. My biggest fear is that she'll come back and be totally different or that the spark will just be gone, or that Paris and just getting back to will be the center of her life instead of me. I don't know if I could handle her going abroad again but I daren't make her choose between me or her love for a city and language and adventure. She's the only person I've EVER met I've been able to connect with on a level like we are and where the anxieties just don't matter, and I love her more than anything and am terrified of losing her.I suppose I'm just trying to see if my worries are valid or not. The thought has occured to me that being only a little more than a month into it that she's just starting to enjoy it, but in 2 1/2 more months of it she'll be tired of it and ready to come home. Would "confronting" or at least bringing up the diminishing contact issue be a good idea? Do I have reason to be worried, or is it just my pre-existing difficulty with anxiety distorting something that isn't a big deal?
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 I can totally understand what she means when she says she wants to come back but she doesn't want to leave. I always feel like that when I go away. You look forward to getting back to the people you love and getting back to your normal life but you don't want the excitment and fun to end either.
I think your sister was right on the money and gave you some good advice. I know it's hard not to panic when you havn't got regular communication with her but I'm sure it will all be ok so keep telling yourself that.
I'm not sure you can define a normal amount of communication because it's different for everyone. Some people would want daily updates while others would be happy with once a month.
Chin up my friend you are ok.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply :)
I video chatted with her today, and she brought up again how she really wants to come back and that she really doesn't want to leave. It put me in a near panic since I understood it as what the title of this question is. I just felt sort of abandoned or something. She mentioned that she just couldn't imagine leaving and never coming back, although I've promised her before she even left that we'll go back together sometime and that I understand she would want to go back perhaps on her own again.
Desperate to talk to someone I called my sister, who I've gotten closer to as we got older and has more relationship experience than me. She gave me a bit of a reality check which helped to calm me down, and related to me in a few ways. She brought up that my girlfriend is probably loving Paris and not feeling like leaving as soon as she's just getting a taste for it, but in 2 1/2 months she's going to be tired of it and ready to come home. She said it was silly to think that my girlfriend loved Paris more than she loved me and just helped to defuse the situation, which was nice.
I'm still a bit on edge about the day, but also I'm wondering - what is a "normal" amount of communication for a situation like this? And was the reality check my sister gave me accurate?
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (4 October 2010):
I guess being realistic she is going to come back different since she has added to her knowledge of the world and seen new and different things and met lots of different people. But in her heart of hearts she will still be the same person you know and love. I think you need to make peace with it in your head and let her fly free. Wait and look forward to her coming back to you instead of worrying how it might be. I understand you feeling worried that she is not replying to you much and having such a good time but she is probably trying to jam as much as she possibly can into her time. Your mission is to take the lessons she has taught you have on interacting with people and put them into practice with the people all around you. Concentrate on developing yourself and she will also come back to someone new and exciting.
Good luck dude it'll all work out the way it's supposed to.
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