A
female
age
51-59,
*aig
writes:I have been dating a man (we are both in our 40's) for almost a year and a half now. We have a great time together, talk, laugh, awesome sex, great friends, etc. I love him and I've known that for a long time, however, I waited and waited for him to tell me first, hoping that he would. This past weekend things were SO good between us that I just told him, it just popped out of my mouth and his reaction was, well, weird. He was quiet for a moment and then he kissed me a lot and passionately. Then he backed off and looked at me very seriously and said "I've only ever said that to one other woman before, and it didn't go very well for me, she ripped my heart out, so I'm scared to say it again."He hugged me and I said something lame like "say it when you want to." and then we just went "back to normal" ..but I was feeling hurt. I left soon after, not because of this, just that it was getting late and I would normally have left at that time. He hugged me when I left, but didn't kiss me. He did say something about our plans for next weekend so I'm sure he still wants to see me but I'm still hurt.Is he saying he doesn't love me, just wants what we have had or is he just saying he can't SAY it. I'm really torn up about this and can't decide what to do.He hasn't called me since, only one day which isn't that unusual but I'm stressing. Did I screw things up, should I have waited for him to tell me first? Or, is he just emotionally unavailable and should I move on? Or, does he love me and I should just wait for him to say it in his own time?
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male
reader, CJH  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 Love is so much more than a word.All of the things you describe, great sex great laughs etc - quite a list of plus points - don't they, somewhere, somehow add up to the fact that this guys loves you just as much as you love him. It's why he's spent 18 months with you for a start isn't it?Who knows, we all have a past and you have to respect his approach if he developed issues as a result of a bad break up from his own past. Don't push him too much.A saying that springs to mind is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I think you know he shows you love and he makes you feel love too so enjoy that until he is ready to embrace and talk about his feelings. If you push now who knows what could happen, your need to hear him say the words and the fact that he clearly loves you are two different things.
A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (21 December 2010):
People are different when it comes to saying "I love you." Some people say it too fast, too soon, or to just about anyone, and others only say it very rarely. It sounds as though he isn't the type to say "I love you" easily, especially after being hurt by a past love. You've now said it, and it isn't soon (1 and a half years is a pretty long time). So I wouldn't worry too much that you screwed things up, since he should expect that after that long, those words might be said. He now knows you love him, just give him time to hopefully be able to say it as well. It's very possible that he does have the feelings, but is afraid to say them out loud to you. Your relationship sounds like other than saying "i love you", everything else is going well. Just continue having a good relationship and showing him that you won't hurt him, and hopefully he will be able to express those feelings to you as well. Remember, actions are much more important than words anyway, so as long as he treats you well and shows you he cares, saying the words is not that crucial.
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