A
female
age
36-40,
*atiekins86
writes:My ex and I were together for four years, we met through a mutual friend. Our relationship felt perfect. We were engaged for the last two years (he proposed) and early this summer booked our wedding; we'd been living together for a year and before that i stayed at his most nights. We were very similar in our sense of humour, political views, views on raising kids, all those sorts of things,and both did lots of thoughtful and considerate stuff for each other.September he randomly split up with me out of the blue - he didn't fancy me. After four days of me moving to my parents we got back together and for around a week everything was perfect again - he 'realised' he did fancy me and was so happy that the pressure of the wedding was off and we were still together. He went away for the weekend which was already planned (competition) and originally I was to go with him, we agreed I wouldn't for some space. Since coming home he acted offish with me;i can't describe it, still slept together/cuddled/chatted but something didn't feel right. I couldn't handle it so after a couple of weeks of this I suggested I'd move out permanently to take pressure off, he thought it was a great idea. After only 1 week he came round and split up with me telling me how he was happier without me, which confused me as we had only had 4 days without contact! We decided upon splitting up that we'd have a month's no contact to see how we felt, and to see if we'd get back together. Throughout this he told me how hot i am/how he loved me/how he was 50/50 as to whether we would.I found out that the weekend he was away he met a girl. he took her number (and probably worse) and started texting her (whilst living and still with me). By looking at a bank statement (never snooped before) I saw he had visited her (she lives 4hour drive away) the FIRST weekend I moved back home; that saturday I saw him (so he must have known he was going to visit her) and he promised me we would be fine it was just a bad patch. He was in constant contact with her and seeing her most weekends while we were 'on a break'. During our break he tried to sleep with me - I obviously didn't know he was already with another girl. Luckily I didn't as I said to him I don't do being used. When I found out (he accidentally left something on his facebook profile he didn't mean to, which then made why he deleted all trace of me from it - while still together - make sense) He promised me she hadn't been in our house and she knew nothing about me. I went to get some things from our house with my mum - she had been and she'd been smoking so the house stank (he hates smokers?!?), all MY expensive kitchen stuff had been used to cook for her and there were tea lights left on the dining table. ALL of my things were crumpled and dumped in the spare room on the floor, including my clothes,teddies I bought him, framed photos of us that had been up, basically all trace of me. Her shampoo etc had pride of place in our bathroom. There were stains on the bed. I have never felt so low in all my life. This was the day i looked at his statement- i also saw he had a 6 grand debt with a debt collector which he told me was paid over a year ago (and that was because I found out, not because he told me).Since this, I've been devastated basically. we've been in contact all last week, phone calls, semi flirty texts. I stupidly got locked out of my house last week late at night and he was the only person i could contact (geniunely, it wasn't an excuse to call him i promise!) he insisted we share the bed (i said i'd sleep on the sofa as it was weird he's now with this girl he cheated with) and basically he hugged me and it turned into kissing/groping (all instigated by him). We didn't sleep all night and he said 'how can i sleep with you here'. He admitted every time I left the room he smelt my pillow and that he still loves me and fancies me. He tried to sleep with me and I said no, I don't sleep with other girls boyfriends like your girlfriend does (he admitted this girl did know about me). Later that day he emailed and said it shouldn't have happened and that since being with her he hadn't thought of me in that way at all but the moment he hugged me, 'something happened'. This is the guy that said he couldn't get back with me as he wouldn't be able to kiss/hug/sleep with me after being with someone else. On our break I even asked him if there was anyone else as if there was we'd just call it a day and he said no....so he had the opportunity to admit it and cut me out if that's what he really wanted.Since then, he has now said he won't say sorry for what he has done as splitting up with her is 'never going to happen'. He watched me cry my eyes out and just stared at me. His explanation was 'I am making you not love me so you find someone better'. He says he can never get back together with me because 'you are willing to forgive me but i can't forgive myself'. It is such bullsh*t. One minute he loves me and contacting her was a 'stupid mistake', the next she is awesome and he refuses to even think about what he's done with me and he is going to throw himself into his new girlfriend so he doesn't think about his actions (he admitted that is what he's doing).What really hurts is I'm the one who has lost their home, i've lost out money wise (it riles me that he owes me £450 for the house deposit which he can't afford to give me until beginning of Feb, yet he's paying for all this petrol to visit her and to take her out, while I'm putting my petrol on my credit card to get to university as i have nothing in my account) and every night I go to bed on my own in my single bed at my mum's house while he has someone telling him how great he is and basically telling him he's a great guy when REALLY he should be at home on his own reflecting on his awful behaviour. He even admitted she fills his head so he doesn't have to think about me or what he has done.I haven't responded to his last email as he clearly doesn't comprehend what he has done at the moment. I stupidly was in contact with him as my logic was if he doesn't stay in contact with me and is with her he'll just forget me completely. I have to see him the beginning of Feb to get my money back. I know his relationship can't be as great as he makes out if he was willing to sleep with me (you'd think he would have learnt his lesson!)and contact me in a way I'd deem unacceptable as a girlfriend but it hurts so much, I thought I was getting married next year and now it's all gone. I know I shouldn't want him back, I hate myself for that, i was such a strong person and i feel like a weak and stupid little girl. I can't get over how he is avoiding feeling any guilt, when I feel miserable. How can he say he could never get back with me yet say he loves and fancies me?! He blows hot and cold. The girl he is with is personality/job wise the opposite of me and the kind of person who he used to ridicule, which makes me think he's with her for an ego massage and a distraction not because he's really attracted to her.All of this has made me question what is the point of being a good person, if your fiance lies to you and cheats, and other girls don't care about sleeping with taken men (not just my situation, but hearing other peoples). I feel like why do I bother, it hasn't gotten me anywhere. Will he one day have to face up to what he has done? Will i ever get the apology I deserve? Will I creep into his mind now I'm not in contact with him, or is it out of sight, out of mind? Can he ignore me but only for so long? When the novelty wears off will his 8hour round trips to essex to see this replacement not be so great? Will the difference between her and me eventually become obvious? Do you think he will come crawling back (I like to think i wouldn't take him back, but don't know if i'm strong enough?)? Everything he says and does is so contradictory. Even his 'we can't be friends i'm pushing you away' email yesterday said 'down the line i hope we can be friends'and 'i'll speak to you when you contact me if its before i give you your money'. Why would I contact him? Is he hoping that I'll do all the running around him so he can continue to be blameless and adored by both me and his new girlfriend? He keeps going on about how he doesn't deserve me, which I know is true, but if he 'hates' seeing me cry and is ashamed, why does he continue to be so nasty and fail to see what he's doing?!Sorry for these whiny ramblings. I just don't know who to talk to or what to do. I'm told not to think about him, but I think about it 24/7.
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a break, debt, engaged, facebook, fiance, flirt, get back together, got back together, his ex, kissing, money, my ex, split up, text, university, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Katiekins86 +, writes (9 December 2009):
Katiekins86 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Laura that is very kind.
A
female
reader, Katiekins86 +, writes (9 December 2009):
Katiekins86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you that's really helpful. Yep mongrel is a good word for him, amongst others!!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 December 2009):
 The Mongrel!! OKay, with the money he owes, get your dad or big brother, or burly cousin or somebody to call him, and tell him you require that money by the end of December.
This crap he has been telling you, well, I have heard it as well, so dont waste too much time on him, dont respond to his email. Dont respond to texts, if he phones ask him to call back when you are less busy, just dont be available, and if he wants to discuss or renegotiate the money he owes, just tell him that you dont owe him any explainations and calmly ask him to return your money please.
If you are having problems dealing with this, get a cheap note book and just write everything down, its great therapy.
Good luck with this, I hope things get better for you soon!
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A
female
reader, Lovely Sweet Laura  +, writes (9 December 2009):
 I'm sorry to hear of your troubles darling. At this point and time there isn't much you can do.. you need to grieve, you will go through the process of analyzing it until it feels like your brain is bleeding. You will hate him, you will hate yourself...all these things are normal. You are in a state of change, a change that you didn't anticipate so it isn't going to be easy. Whatever happens just try not to let him continue to use you in anyway-whether it's to boost his ego or make him feel like what he did wasn't wrong...he'll have to deal with that on his own-avoiding it won't work forever for him...it will likely destroy his new relationship eventually which serves him right really. He is not your responsibility anymore, you need to take care of you. You can not figure out why he behaves or says the things he does, you can only figure out why you do the things you do. This will make you more prepared when you do have to face him. Figure out your weakness so that you can control them and decide what you want for your future and go for it. This will take sometime...have patience and try to look on the bright side as much as possible but remember it is okay to feel bad-without feeling bad we wouldn't cherish the times when we feel good...those times will return for you if you want them to. best of luck my dear remember you are a creature unlike any other and deserve happiness just as much as the next person-don't let your envy get the best of you just because he is not visibly tortured like you are-karma has it's way and will have it's way with him eventually so take comfort in that. Take care!
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