A
female
age
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*eahdawn
writes:My situation is this....I am 46 and my boyfriend of almost 2 years (whom lives with me in my house) he is almost 41. Little age difference there but not a LOT. Well, the first week after he moved in, I caught him in the office at his computer with a nude girl on the screen, doing his thing! Yes, I was devastated. Should have been my clue. Well, after that, I started snooping, finding a LOT of females photos, files after files on his computer and then so many disks of the same stuff, I was shocked! The man has a porn store between his computer and disks he has. When we make love, if you want to call it that, i can never get him to that final point, HE has to do it himself. Im guessing, the years of doing what he does with his porn and webcam girls, hes made it to where he cant perform the normal way. I am the jealous type, ill admit that. Have been hurt a lot int he past s I always have my guard up. But, I have caught him several times, he will lie to me about things, he flirts with girls all the time, he is VERY secretive about his phone, thats like a mini computer. And even if im not mad, just a simple question, he snaps and goes into defensive mode. Always. I dont think he and i will ever get married as we had once talked about, and he says thats my fault because of my insecurities. He didnt cause my insecurities but he sure has added to them! What do I do? Should I move on? Do I already know the answers? I dont think he will ever change. help!!!! What should I do?Leah
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 Forgive me if this is going to far - but check this list of signs of abuse for any other behaviors that you may not have noticed - the anger and the yelling constantly worries me, Hun.
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/what-is-abuse/assess-your-situation/
A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 Ask yourself these questions. Are you happy? Can you be happy with him and the relationship exactly as it is? Is his happiness more important then yours? If the answer is no to all, leave him. However, if there is a compromise you can reach with his porn use where you can both be happy, try that... I dont know if he'd even consider cutting back but who knows. If you think he's worth it then its worth a shot
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 September 2010):
 Sounds like he has an addiction, since he can't even orgasm from sex anymore and seems completely beyond obsessed with porn. If he won't admit he has a problem or agree to counseling, you may have to move on. As well the fact that he lies about other things shows a pretty significant lack of respect for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 September 2010):
 I think I would end it, not so much because of all the porn but all the lies, flirting and being secretive with his phone. Those are HUGE red flags.
Also, I can understand that he feels defensive about this, but that he blames YOU for your relationship not moving forward is telling me he doesn't WANT it to move forward unless you accept everything he does and says.
He will not stop his "love" of porn and he will not change, no matter how much YOU want him too.
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A
female
reader, leahdawn +, writes (21 September 2010):
leahdawn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much birdynummnums. All you said is very true. I am far from being a prude I might add. I even told him that I am willing to watch movies together during those privet times. And when I have tried that, its weird, its likehe wont really watch them, as if he is embarrased. Yes, the yelling at me and instantly being defensive bothers me a lot. He has brought me down and makes me feel worthless and stupid. We are okay as far as he is concerned as long as I do what I am suppose to do and keep my mouth shut for the most part and certainly do not question anything he does. I had such hopes for this relationship to work. Belive me, if I had known of his addition, I would not have gotten together with him. Its one addiction I just cant deal with. I understand guys are guys and thats okay....but what this man does, is not. Thank you again, it helps to talk to someone, someone who isnt yelling at me.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (21 September 2010):
Some people can put up with their man viewing porn; but only if it's occasional and not obsessive. It sounds like that's not the case with your man. The secrecy about "his phone" worries me as well. It sounds like he is into live chat and even possibly meeting these women, which might be the worst case scenario, but considering how involved he is with porn, it's one possibility.
From the tone of your letter, I get the impression this is not something you were prepared for or want to put up with. It sounds like it's getting you down already, playing with your mind and taking it's toll on your self-esteem. This isn't YOUR problem, this porn addiction is his problem, and he doesn't seem to want to change. The anger disturbs me as well, as if you weren't putting up with enough.
In the past, I have often read letters from women who are more upset because their bf's are viewing porn and they feel this is cheating, and I have to admit, I usually felt these girls were having a ego problem. Most of them bring up "He says he loves me, Why aren't I enough?"; I tend to think that most guys peek at porn every once in a while, I think it's just the nature of the beast. Your man is WAY past the point of doing it every now and then. It's an addiction. When something starts taking over your life, ruining your relationships and changing your behavior, it's an addiction. It's also his person choice. He has chosen to let this come between you. You can't change his behavior, you can only change your own.
Considering how much this bothers you, I think you need to look at the bigger picture and make some changes in your life. How much time do you want to waste on waiting for him to change, especially when you know already that's probably not in the picture...
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