A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I've been in a relationship with my bf for three years and three months. I'm 25 and he's 29.Since the beginning of our relationship, he told me that he wanted to settle down and start a family. I told him, that while I wanted to settle down, having children was not on my agenda and won't be for a while. He accepted this. I work long hours, sometimes up to 60-70 hours a week. I enjoy my job and the bonuses I get paid. I enjoy spending my hard earned cash and I think I deserve it. My bf works two - three days a week. Last year (forgive me for going back so far) he asked me if I would get my contraceptive implant removed so we could start trying for a baby. I said no. He got angry at this and said that he's given me plenty of time to get my head around the fact that he wants a family and that I should stop thinking about myself and think about him for a change. I was shocked at his reaction as I had told him just weeks into our relationship that I didn't want children for a while.He apologised the next day and I thought that was that, but he's been nagging me since!Last night he gave me an ultimatum...I get my implant removed and start trying for a baby with him or we're over. I haven't seen or spoken to him since, even though I am very angry at him for pushing me into making a decision like that. Is it that wrong for me not to want children yet? I'm a young woman with a good career ahead of me. I could have a baby and go back to work but why should I do something I don't want to do just to please him? I feel like he's pushing me into a corner after that ultimatum last night and I am starting to question our relationship. Please offer your advice on this. I don't know whether I'm being selfish or if he is right?Thanks
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trying for a baby, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Im glad you've separated for this fool! I think you already had a child...HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Sometimes it may be useful also to hear the voice of cynism, which says :
heck no. Most NORMAL women would NOT give an arm to have a baby... from a guy who only works two days a week and can't afford to properly contribute to the upbringing of the child. ( With WHAT was he going to pay his at least 50% of the costs ? .. I say "at least ", because the mother is generally the one who contributes more in terms of time and physical care and handling of the baby, so if we want to nitpick, she should contribute a bit less in money ). Most NORMAL women , if they decided to have a baby that then they have to raise almost as if they were a single mother , - would BE single mothers , without the hassles and obligations of an official relationship.
Your ex sure has some nerve !
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Thank you for your followup! I'm happy to hear we have been of help. Another way to think of this is that most NORMAL men would not use emotional blackmail in order to coerce an unwilling woman into an unwanted (at this time) pregnancy. He is not normal. :) That might help you move forward if you start to have doubts about your decision.
Best wishes for the future!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice, wasn't expecting so many replies! I was starting to feel like I was a bad person for putting my career before my boyfriend and the possibility of starting a family, now I realise that he was bullying me! We spoke about it a few nights ago, I told him I was not about to give my career up to start a family when I'm not ready. I want a child to be born out of love, not just when YOU are ready. He replied: "you're not like any other woman, most NORMAL women would give their right arm to have a baby. You've got a good job, you can afford to have a baby with me."I realise he was completely missing the point. You are right, Mark1978, he just wants a baby and he obviously doesn't care who with! We have now seperated. I am finding it tough having being used to seeing him almost every day but I couldn't stay in a relationship like that. Now I'm going to enjoy being me, enjoy my freedom and meet someone in the future who respects me and my decisions to wait before starting a family. Thanks again everyone for your advice. I guess I knew deep down he was in the wrong, I just wanted to hear someone else say it!
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (30 April 2014):
"Is it that wrong for me not to want children yet?" Of course not! You should have children IF and When you and a partner are BOTH ready. Sounds like your BF is so keen to get married and start a family that it is more about ticking that box than actually being with you and having YOUR child. This is about him wanting a baby full stop. He isn't considering your feelings and just wants a child. "He got angry at this and said that he's given me plenty of time to get my head around the fact that he wants a family and that I should stop thinking about myself and think about him for a change" Excuse me? That's like me saying to my GF "Look love you've known for years I want to give you savage anal penetration so you've had time to get used to it, get down on your knees! It is not selfish of you not to want a child yet, your young, you are concentrating on your career and at least one of you in this relationship has the maturity and sense to wait!I am angry at HIS selfishness and yet your questioning if you are selfish??? he doesn't have a biological clock and neither are you anywhere near yours starting ticking. What's the rush: you're 25 and still quite young. To put pressure on you like this to meet some kind of "Target" of being a father by a certain age/date is crazy!And what happens if you have a child? I will tell you what will happen: Those 60 hour weeks will go out the window as will your career. Either that or your BF will look after the child all day while your at work and you will simply feel like he has pushed you into the background. He will be fawning over his baby and you will be doing 70 hours a week at work paying for it. You will realize the child was conceived out of being bullied and ill spend the rest of your life desperately regretting it. "Since the beginning of our relationship, he told me that he wanted to settle down and start a family." Im afraid this is less about being with you, and not about wanting YOUR baby, but about being with SOMEONE and have A baby. This is a target he has set himself. How would you feel if someone said "im a virgin and will be 30 soon, I want to loose it before my 30th birthday will you sleep with me?"? You would feel that you were being used to tick a box. Thats what's happening here. Give this looser the heave ho!
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A
male
reader, wise-guy +, writes (28 April 2014):
No no no no - What is the world coming too
You don't need to do anything you don't want to do, I mean you may want children in time but what's the rush??
Don't bring an innocent unknowing life into this world just because that's what he would like. You're the one who has to carry and give birth to the child
If your boyfriend loves you he will understand I will want to spend his time with you in any circumstance. He should understand and respect what you want - Having a child isnt the same as going out to buy a new TV or something.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): This relationship started with you both being honest. He wanted a family in the near future and you wanted a career first and a family in the distant future.
Knowing these facts you both chose to stay together and continue the relationship.
Now its ultimatum time, let him go, persue your dreams and let him persue his.
Your not being selfish your doing what you told him at the get go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): How nasty. What sort of loving partner gives their beloved an ultimatum like this one? And where are his efforts to get full-time work so that he can support you in working fewer hours IF you decided that you wanted a baby?
Is he trying to tie you down somehow? You're both still relatively young. I have friends in their late thirties and even early forties who have had had healthy babies. I'm not saying wait that long, but if you are with someone, it needs to be a much more stable and supportive relationship first. A baby will change everything. If you're getting ultimatums about what you do with YOUR body, sorry, I'd say you don't have a loving relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): He may be intimidated by the fact that you have such a great career and wants to slow you down a little. Or, he wants to make sure you have a "reason" to stick around since you're already so independent of him and he doesn't like that. Does he plan to be a stay at home dad so you can work and bring home the bacon (and get up with the baby at night and do all the housecleaning?)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 April 2014):
 If you are not ready then you are not ready.
If he only works 3 days a week CAN he support you and the baby if need be? Are you two living together? Does he help around the house?
Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me. For someone to give me an ULTIMATUM to bet pregnant and carry a baby to terms IF I wasn't READY or willing to have one, just yet. NEVER do things to "placate" or please a partner, specially not something so HUGE as a baby.
Sorry, I would let him walk away. Because what is next? You can't have a career anymore? He wants 10 kids in rapid succession? a puppy on top of it?
Maybe you two aren't on the same page, maybe not even the same book.
YOU are only 25 - you have another good 10 years before you need to worry about being able to get pregnant.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): You're not being selfish, he is.
OP you made yourself very clear at the start of the relationship, he's the one who lied to you saying he could accept that. What he really meant was "okay, but I'm going to make you have my kid".
You know the choice is easy. "We're over" is literally the best choice. Just count yourself lucky you have an implant, sounds like he's the type of guy so selfish and dismissive about your feelings on the issue that he'd sabotage contraception to get what he wants.
He's not right, it takes two to have a baby it's the biggest commitment in life and you've made it clear you're not ready so now he's decided to blackmail you, give me a baby or else.
I'm ready at any time to have a baby and I've told my wife I am. But she has a fantastic career and she just wants to enjoy being a couple for a while before we give ourselves up to raise a child. So it's up to her, when she feels ready we'll have a child and that was the end of the conversation.
I have no biological clock to worry about other than the quality of my sperm diminishing in middle age, so he doesn't even have that excuse.
He literally has no excuse for being this desperate and he's an absolute asshole for putting it on you in this way when you made it crystal clear what the deal was from the start.
So tell him "no baby" and "goodbye".
Blackmail is literally the worst reason to have a kid. A kid completely takes away all the freedom you currently enjoy and ties you to him for life. He does not want a child for good reasons if he's willing to blackmail you about it.
You have all the time in the world.
What an asshole he is and seriously, you will resent him forever if you only had a kid because he forced you into it.
It's not like you lied, or deceived him, he knew what he was getting into but he doesn't care how you feel about this, otherwise he'd have said nothing and just waited.
OP personally I think there's no going back for him. This is the lowest of the lows and it's not like he ever respected you on this matter in the first place.
last but not least if you let him just once succeed with ultimatum like this, then just watch as he pulls them out of his ass any time he wants his way.
Pretty soon you'll have the threat of him leaving if you don't give that kid a sibling, or take less hours in your job, or marry him, or buy him a nicer car. Do not let this ultimatum set a bad precedent and don't let him blackmail you into something that will make you very bitter. because once that child comes your life as you know it will be over and that will all be because of him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): You're very young and you have 5 or so years before you need to consider it. Let him go; he wants a baby now, you don't. That's incompatibility right there. Having a baby is something you should do when BOTH people are ready and desperately want to have a baby, not when one decides he wanted to rush it (wanting to settle down at the beginning) and then trying to force you. You want different things, you need to break up and move on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2014):
No, it's not wrong of you to not want children at this point in your life, or even frankly, never. You were clear and upfront about this with him early on.
You are not being selfish. You are being honest.
I think perhaps this guy isn't the one for you and it's just crystallizing now. Think of it this way, you won't have to put up with years of overt pressure to have a baby you know you don't want to have. You will be free to find a partner who is more closely aligned with your future goals and dreams.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 April 2014):
This is one of those hard choices you have to make in life. Having children is amazing but not something you should ever let someone push you into doing.
You're also pretty young and sometimes it's nice to get your career solidified so you can easily go back to work after having some time off with the baby.
If you're not sure that you'll ever want kids then you need to let him go. That's a deal breaker.
If you think you would, then what you should do is have a talk with him. Tell him you need another couple of years, that there is no need to do it right away, as you guys only have so long to enjoy the young life, but a lifetime with kids.
Remind him that you understand he really wants kids, but if he were to leave you how long would it be until he met someone that he'd have kids with? At least a couple of years.
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