A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I really need some help here. But im to embariced to talk to any of my friends. well I got engaged 1 1/2 ago and we are getting married in 2 months. we started having sex about 4 months ago and then I thought it would get better as time went on, but it really hasn't. He always says its amazing and compliments me, and I feel really bad if I don't do the same for him, but its not good. Its not bad either, but isn't it suppose to be amazing? I feel terrible because I have to lie and give compliments and once I told him that it wasn't very enjoyable, and the next time he tried to hard, and it hurt rather badly. I have no idea what to do, and I don't want this to get in the way of our future marraige. He's perfect for me, except when it comes to the bedroom. Please help, suggestoins? For me to do things and things to tell him to do. Thanks so much. Liz.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): I'm sure you were trying to be kind, but simply saying "it wasn't very enjoyable" isn't saying much. You need to tell, and show him in explicit detail what works or doesn't. (The fact that you couldn't describe here what was the problem, suggests there may be a communication issue). It might even be a fun game for you both to explore and find out what works for you.
A
female
reader, iAintYourAunt +, writes (16 February 2008):
 Were you a virgin? If so, you may need to teach yourself how to have orgasms. It may not be him. Maybe you aren't relaxed enough. Best bet? See a physician and tell them about your body and the pain! Don't be afraid to. There could be something that requires minor attention. Get checked out and see!
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A
female
reader, lushlass93  +, writes (15 February 2008):
 you are going to gat married so you need to be honest with one another and you need to talk that is the foundation of a relationship you have to talk tell him the best you can but als show him how to be better and show him what you like
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Aside from the glaring naivety, I am detecting some immaturity in what you base a man's good qualities on. Are you certain you are ready for the committment and lifelong promise that entails marriage. Listen, you can always, always learn new and better skills in the sex department. If this man is a good, honorable man who respects, you, loves you and will be an awesome father to your children someday....do not dump him because he doesn't quite 'cut it' in the bedroom. You can always improve the sex life, you cannot improve the attitudes and personality of horridly, emotionally unavailable life partner, that you could've had. This guy is plainly not that. He sounds like a gem...you would be nuts to toss him over, based on his lovemaking skills. I really find that rather...superficial of you. A tad childish. As the other Aunts suggested, learn the skills with him and research this. But another thing to think about, when you are both old and gray someday, and sex wanes considerably, you will be more than pleased you had a good man in your life that loves you and wanted to spend his whole life, dedicated and devoted to you. Don't be dumb...be a smart girl and understand the goodness of the quality guy you have right in front of your face.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 February 2008):
 I don't think I can improve or add much to what the others have already said. I just would like you to take very much notice of one thing: a man is to know how well he is doing it from his woman only. If you say everything is perfect, how is he to improve?
And then, following on Tuatara's line, when you CAN discuss this issues with someone you love, you begin to really enjoy. It does get better with time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Hi Liz!
I am going to let you into a little secret - most of the time, it tends to be a little ordinary! BUT there are times when you feel nothing else can equal the feeling and it is amazing.
But don't expect mind blowing sex or your world to rock everytime. Most couples, who are stayers, take time to explore and work it all out. It is hard to open up conversation and I can honestly say I have never, with any partners talked about what I liked. Silly me really. When we are in love and are totally committed to our partners, this should be an easy conversation to have, but somehow it is embarrassing and difficult. Your not alone there.
Give it time, do some research on sexual things. No shame in research! But I know what you mean when they say it was awesome for them and they are shaking at the knees, and your in the space of "is that it!" but we do smile and say "your the best I have ever had" Yes guys, we do say that because we don't want to hurt anyones ego or feelings.
Be a little more adventurous, try when in the moment to tell him or give him hints when he does something you like.
This is going to sound a bit shocking, But you might need to train him a bit!!! Your feeling a little dissappointed about him in bed, but you need to understand he probably does not know that it could be better, he needs that info from you. All I would suggest is not to panic, 4 months in a life time of sexual expriance with a man you do love is early days. You may even be anticipating dissappointment before it happens. You take the lead.
Not sure if it is helpful, but remember it isn't always firecrackers and shooting stars. That's why when you do get that it makes it alot more special.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (15 February 2008):
 You leave a lot of information ambiguous here. In your age bracket, can we presume that you have been sexually active with other men in the past, or not?
Was he also sexually active with others, or were the two of you virgins?
That seems unlikely, but when you say "I thought it would get better," it hints of a little naivety.
Also, are you having orgasms from the sex?
And there's another thing missing in your info if you were indeed a virgin until four months ago. Have you masturbated before and reached orgasm?
This info might help advisors help you.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (15 February 2008):
Advice on technique is really hard to both give and to accept. Apart from perhaps both of you seeing a sex counsellor I think the only other solution is two fold.
Step 1 - when you are able to talk together in private and both are feelings okay about the world, take the phone off the hook, turn off your mobile phones, and sit down to talk.
Tell him how you feel. Make sure that the way you tell him is about your feelings and not confrontational. Tell him that you both need to communicate more when you are making love so that it can be all that is possible between two people who love each other. Remember you are being emotionally gentle with him at the time not because of any fear of hurting his male ego, but because you love him.
Step 2 - Tell him about this step and what it involves during Step 1. In this step you both agree to be specific in helping the other to know what to do that feels really good and what to stop doing that does not feel so good. If he is being too rough, tell him that you want him to be gentle. If when you give him a BJ he things that something could change (perhaps he does not like to feel your teeth or likes gentle licking and sucking) then he can tell you while you are doing it. If when you make love you want more foreplay and like him to touch you in a certain way, then tell him. Guide his hands, head, body to the right places as needed. Encourage him to do the same.
Step 3 - For the first few times (until it starts to feel like it should) talk about it afterwards but do not dwell on those things that are not right but instead tell each other the things you liked best about what the other did to you.
You should be able to talk about anything to do with your relationship without fear of upset. Please, please do not get defensive if he tells you something you are doing does not feel good for him. Just ask how it could be improved. It is also reasonable for you to expect the same from him and that he should not get defensive if you do not like something he is doing. But remember, it is easy to say I do not like that, it takes more thought and effort to say, do it this way when you are actually making love.
I wish you every success. Take comfort from the fact that it is possible his awkwardness is due to inexperience which is only a good thing at the beginning of a marriage. Learn together about each other. You be his teacher about your body and how you get turned on and let him be your teacher about how to turn him on.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, LoveStruckPanda323 +, writes (15 February 2008):
 Maybe you could try showing him how you like things done. I'm not sure if you are talking about just intercourse or foreplay. But tell him exactly what you like. Don't be entirely too critical about things. Maybe you could say things in a sexy, seductive way? Take his hand in yours and actually show him what to do. This way he won't take things too personally possibly. It seems that we wants to make you happy because he tried to make things better, so I'm sure he'll be up to trying anything you want. =)Good Luck!!
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