A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Before I met my current boyfriend, I had just come out of a long-term relationship in which my boyfriend (now ex) cheated on me. I know my boyfriend isn't cheating on me, but there have been 4 or 5 instances now where he just hasn't answered his phone all day/night; either it was dead, it was off, he had left it in his car, or he was sleeping and didn't hear it ring. I honestly don't believe that he's cheating on me... He lets me know what he's up to all the time, and he even invites me out with his friends. He doesn't exclude me. I usually don't call him unless we have plans, and just about all of these times in which he hasn't picked up his phone, we've had plans -- and something or other transpired on his part where our plans just weren't kept... but he never called to inform me...So I worried -- not necessarily that he was cheating, but that something may have happened to him. After several instances of this, I also began to feel upset that, for example, if his phone was dead, why he hadn't he at least called me on a friend's phone to let me know that our plans were off?Two nights ago, I got into a car accident and hadn't been able to get into contact with him, as he wasn't picking up his phone. Luckily, the accident wasn't very serious -- just highly stressful. I called him several times over 3 or 4 hours, then went to sleep... We had plans for the next morning anyway.When I called the next morning, his phone was off, and I still couldn't get a hold of him. I was supposed to head over to his house and meet him there, so that's what I did.He was there -- he had been sleeping. I expressed to him how I upset I was that I could never get a hold of him, even though I don't call him everyday, and I never call him "just to talk" (this irritates him). He seemed a bit edgy, but he apologized and said he would make sure his phone was charged, on, and with him at all times when he was at home or out with friends. I appreciated this offer a lot and told him so...So, later that day, I left for work. He said he would be with his friends that night, and invited me to come out later. I told him that I would give him a call later that night, once I had clocked out -- and I did, but once again, he didn't pick up the entire night, and showed up at my house after I had already fallen asleep. I was EXTREMELY upset by this, but he was only pissed off at me for being so upset. First he said that he had intentionally left his phone in his car because he and his friends were playing D and D; later, he said that he had just forgotten.It makes me so unhappy that my boyfriend, the one who's supposed to be there for me when I need him, isn't even accessible to me until it's convenient for him. What if that car accident had been serious and I'd been hospitalized? He wouldn't have even known until later the following day, at best. I'm beginning to feel a little neglected, and as though I'm an interruption and an annoyance to him.Is this unreasonable of me? Should I just accept that he's not good with phones? I don't know what to do. This is causing a lot of tension between us. I'm sick of arguing over what seems to be such a silly thing. I would appreciate any insight I can get into this. If someone can help me think about this situation differently, I would appreciate it...I do love him, very much, and, when we are together, I feel the love from him as well. It's just when we are apart that I have a difficult time remembering that feeling. I dwell on this far too much Please help me. :(Thanks for reading this...
View related questions:
cheated on me Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009): hello again and thank you for the update on your situation,I am anon female that posted on the 13 November 2009.first of all, I don't suggest ignoring his calls, this will cause dramas and problems.It sounds like the both of you are very close and communicate well when its just the both of you but as CaringGuy said a man is measured by his actions, not his words.you said "he even invites me out with his friends"Thats very nice if he invites you out with his friends, but when he does invites you is it because he wants to or because he feels he has to? because its very strange that he invites you out with his friends, you said " I would give him a call later that night" ,now why would he intentionally leave his phone in his car when you said that you would give him a call?, he gives you a reason but what is more important playing some game with his friends or showing his partner some courtesy and send you a message to let you know he wont have his phone?especially if you had already expressed your worry and hurt already with the lack effot his makes to stay in touch. it does not sound like he is really listening to you.When you are upset and hurt when he does things like this, my only suggestion is to maybe not cry or ignore or use a harsh tone but instead maybe express to him that you are disappointed that he did not contact you back and that you were really looking forward to spending the time with him.you also said "I usually don't call him unless we have plans", when was the last time he called you to make plans or verify plans you both already made?is it possible that he is so use to you making plans he has become lazy?The idea of letting him initate contact first is to see if he is willing to make the effort for you , actions speak louder then words.I know this will be hard to do, so I suggest for the time being occupy yourself with a hobbie, not only will this help you maybe regain self confidence, maybe make some friends.good luck :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much for your thoughtful and kind replies. I don't think I am ready to walk away just yet, even though I consider it at times.He's 25 years old, and I'm the first girl he's ever been in love with. It's been made known to me that he's never so much as professed his love to anyone else before me -- and he's had several relationships -- so there must be an inkling of something there for me... musn't there?He told me in the beginning that he sees me as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and he is at the stage in his life where this, for him, has become a very realistic possibility. He constantly talks about moving in with me, which will probably happen around February of next year, if our relationship doesn't fall apart. He invites me to family functions, he shares with me his personal feelings, and he's extremely affectionate, both when we're alone and when we're out with one another's friends. It's just, when we're physically apart, I have to deal with stuff like this. So, I wonder if I am asking too much. Is this simply the way that he is, a quirk that I should adjust to? Or is this indicative of how much he truly cares for me and my well-being (which would appear to be not very much at all, if so)?I hate creating tension between us. I don't like drama in relationships. It was simply something that I couldn't ignore, and in this situation, and in others, he hasn't put forth any effort to bend/sacrifice for my happiness at all. Whenever I ask him to make any changes, no matter how small, he tells me that he feels I'm infringing upon his individuality, and he cannot change his personality for me. Is that what I'm asking, really? I try to explain that a relationship requires at least minimal personal sacrifice. If he doesn't change any of his behaviors, then I'm forced to change mine, regardless (to ignore what bothers me, for example)... I wish we could compromise. But I don't think he really cares, or sees it that way. I guess I could be wrong, I don't know.I'm stuck. :( Waiting for him to initiate contact sounds like a good plan to me; thank you for this suggestion. Would it be vindictive to ignore his phone calls sometimes, too?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009): he is probably not cheating, sadly sometimes people will continue being with someone just for the sake of being with someone ,even when they are emotionally withdrawn from the relationship.
my suggestion is for you to stop always being the first to initiate the contact with him and see what he does.
if he makes the effort to contact and want to do things with you then this is a good sign he likes you.
if he does not then just walk away dont waste your time with someone who does not make the effort or care.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 November 2009):
I don't think this guy is all that good. You're right to be worried. He may not be cheating, but he doens't seem all that into you, does he? I think that because you were cheated on, you felt low and have taken on a guy like him because he offers a few moments of affection. But let's face it, he's no knight is he!? He gets irritated when you call him 'to talk', and didn't seem to care that you'd been in an accident. Any guy worth your time would be there for you. He's not. Please get rid of him, spend some time on your confidence and find a better guy. He won't change at all, and he won't care either, no matter what he says. A man is measured by his actions, not his words. He can't even pick the phone up! Get rid of him before you get really hurt again. You deserve better.
...............................
|
