A
female
age
41-50,
*oe200
writes:I have asked and been given some really good advice from this site before so I am hoping again you can help me. I have been with my partner over 2 years, this year we have had a bit of a rough patch, but things have been great recently,or so I thought. Today I saw him on his phone and there were a lot of pictures of girls and he was texting them. When I asked what was going on he said its a sight where you tell girls if they are hot or not and vice versa, he said things are not good between us are they, as though it was my fault, but until I asked him this he was telling me how much he loved me and what a great christmas we were going to have. I told him what he is doing is a form of cheating. Am I over reacting.He said he cant believe I am causing trouble on christmas eve. I love him so much but this has really hurt me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 December 2011):
 Duck is right... he's trying to make this YOUR fault but he wants out....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2011): i take it you dont consider yourself anywhere near as attractive as the girls he`s rating. i go against all those who tell you what you wanted to hear. i believe the problem is your own insecurity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2011): why don't you join those sites and have guys rate you and tell you that you're hot, and see how he feels about that.
the best way for someone to understand why something is hurtful to their partner, is to experience it for themselves. otherwise they are too wrapped up in their own wants.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (24 December 2011):
 First of all you are not overeacting at all! But ovbiously he is trying to make out you are so he can turn it all on you, so right now just ignore him. The thing which concerns me is how he has just told you so openly, most men try to hide things like this, and normanally if they get found out they still try to deney it. However he just straight up told you too your face. Now, i'm just throwing this out as a suggestion, but have you ever heard of an occassion where someone doesn't want to be with somebody so they do something which will make the other person end it with them so they don't have to. Do you think that could be the situation here? Or he could just think he can do whatever he wants just because things are rough between you, or use that as an excuss to look at other women or start searching around the market to see whats out there. Either way he is in the wrong here not you, so don't think it for a second!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): I have seen it and i never saw anything about being able to contact people. It looks a bit of a joke to me. Tell him you are hot and they are not and if he wants to keep you he must not rate them again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): Its cheating.
Would he be okay if you were on the very same site and posted provocative photos to receive tonnes of men saying how hot you were? I highly doubt it.
He's keeping you on by telling you what you want to hear while he is fishing for his next woman to lure in.
He needs the constant excitement and attention just like all serial cheaters do.
http://mfgmarriage.com/extra-marital-affairs-serial-cheater/
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 December 2011):
 No, you are not over reacting.
He's checking the market to see what's out there and he's making himself visible to other women. That tells me, as it ought to tell you, that he isn't nearly as commited to you as you are to him.
In his mind blaming you gives him an excuse to cheat and it keeps you on 'probation'.
Please stop trying to reason with him. He knows what he's doing is wrong. He just doesn't care. He is not a stand up guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): Don't take it too seriously.When things aren't going well people do go on sites like that..But it ISN'T A DATING WEBSITE, it's just a rating website. You click 1-10 on a girl, thats it. (Edit: I just went on the site and it does seem like you can talk to people now.. which I didn't know you could do. So, it depends on what he's using it for. It could be harmless fun, or maybe he is using it like a dating site).Tell him you do not like him using that site - especially when things aren't going well. And if he does want to make things right, he will stop going on the site.If he loves you, he'd stop. If he still continues to do it, putting a website / flirting with others over you, then it doesn't look good at all.If he refuses to get off it, then maybe do it back - you will get a LOT more attention off guys than he will off girls, and that will annoy him and make him jealous.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (24 December 2011):
 I don't think you're over reacting. When someone is checking out sites to tell women they are hot, it's an indication that he's not 100% committed to the relationship. It is a form of cheating. It's the first step away from the relationship and will be followed by other forms of cheating.
The comment he made "things aren't good between us, are they" was in fact a way to "blame" you for his behavior. Which by that very comment, he knew that this conduct would be hurtful to you and I think he also knew it was wrong.
What to do? I think the two of you need to decide if you are going to make things work between you or not. He is being immature about things right now and from his maturity level, won't take kindly to confrontation. However, you need some kind of answer to where he's at. Are you prepared to tell him where you are at? Is this relationship working for you or are you just trying to make peace and fix things superficially?
If you don't want to mend this relationship, tell him it's over. If he doesn't want to work on things, it's over. Relationships are hard enough with two but when only one is checked in, it's impossible.
Best wishes and have a happy holiday.
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