A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just need a little advice about this guy I just met. It's important to know that I have just been broken up with by the guy I deeply loved (first love) and we had been together for four years (since being 17) and he decided to end it six weeks ago. Through work I've met a few new people and one of these people is a guy called Brent. My self-esteem is low and I feel shitty and depressed in waves throughout the day. But when I'm around Brent we are playfully mean to each other, and we laugh together, and he is very nice. I went to his house to hang out with him, and he cooked for us (which shocked me, as ive never had a guy friend cook for me before :S) and was very ... friendly attentive (got me a coat when I was cold, made me a drink to warm me up and didn't complain when i dozed off on the sofa - i'd just finished working a 12 hour shift and was tired!) I know a lot of it is just me, and he doesn't like me in any way other than a friend, as he has a girlfriend and nothing says 'friendship' like someone already having a girlfriend :p My question is I suppose, how do I stop myself from emotionally rebounding onto Brent? He is SO nice and sweet, and I feel at ease with him more than i've ever felt before (it took me six stay-overs to actually fall asleep in the same room as my EX so im shocked i fell asleep around brent), nothing I do annoys him and he is very smart and we have a lot in common. I know what i'm like and i am terrified that I like him more than I should. I DO just want to be friends though i know if he wasn't in a relationship i'd certainly want more than that. Is there a way to not like him as much? Is there something I can do to stop my mind from leaving friend-zone and falling into crushland? I don't want to hurt myself again by being emotionally attached to an unobtainable guy. I've tried thinking about all the not-good things about him, but they don't bother me at all. I'm shocked at having met somebody I feel I connect with so well and who has so much in common with me. I was hoping we could be close friends, but I know that i'm going to end up being secretly "in love" with him, and i just want to avoid that.Sorry for rambling, I just really don't know how to control my feelings right now. Thanks for any help you can provide.
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (24 December 2011):
 Yes, there certainly is a way to prevent yourself from letting the crush you've already developed on Brent from going any further: stop seeing him. OR, suggest getting together for lunch with him and his girlfriend, and don't see him alone otherwise.
You know he has a girlfriend: it was not wise of you to go to his home - even if he invited you - UNLESS she was present. And even then, you shouldn't make a habit of it.
You say you're in the "friend" zone, but it's plain that you have already gone beyond that.......he may be nice, but
you have to deal with the shock and pain of your breakup without this guy's help.
It won't do anything for your self-esteem to keep seeing him, you know - you're playing with fire, with another woman's boyfriend - even though that is not your intention. Slippery slope, and all that if you continue associating with him.
I KNOW you are hurt and upset, and looking for consolation, that's natural and understandable. You're only human. But, try talking to your women friends instead, or to a counselor to help you over this rough patch. Focus on activities you enjoy; spend some time home alone and set aside an hour, say, a day, to let yourself, cry, feel bad, sad, angry, whatever, over the breakup. Then, when the time you've set aside is over, turn your attention to more positive things. Also, give serious thought as to why your relationship ended, and what you can learn from it for the future.......
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