A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm a 20-year-old student from the UK and I'm currently nearing the end of my first year at University. For the past three years I've become close friends with a guy from the US via an online videogame that I've been playing since the age of 15 and continue to play daily. Starting roughly a year ago our relationship deepened and we developed a romantic bond. However, I have misgivings about the whole thing.My main issue is that he's still 17, although he'll turn 18 a month before my 21st birthday. I understand that, logically, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this, especially considering he's probably the more mature and responsible individual, but I can't seem to stop it from bothering me. Does anyone have any opinions on the situation or any advice to get me out of this negative way of thinking?Another issue is that he's invited me to fly over and see him between our two birthdays, at his own expense, but I'm still hesitant to accept. One reason for this is feeling a bit uneasy about the prospect of travelling all the way to the US by myself (not that I'm a stranger to international travel), but the main reason is that I can't bear the thought that he'll be disappointed with who I am in person and I'll have wasted his time and money. That said, we talk on the phone every single day, we've swapped pictures (admittedly he's sent me disproportionally more on account of my unwarranted physical insecurities) and as of last year we started to tell each other "I love you".Do I need to man up, stop being a total wimp and seize the opportunity to go and see whether what we have is truly worth holding on to? Because my constant worrying and hesitation is now driving us apart.Thanks~
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): I would be rather carefull, if you were to stay with him, he could easily dislike you imperson, nothing wrong with you but meeting someone is much different that chatting.
So imagine he`s kicked you out, and you dont know this place or anyone in it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): Hello, original poster of the question here, feel I should clarify a few things:
- Since it wasn't mentioned in my original question and it's quite easy to miss the gender tag at the top of posts, I am also a guy. Thought I'd add that just in case it changes your opinion of the situation at all.
- He's going to college next year in his home town, and the money he has available comes from a social security fund he received following the death of his father.
- There is virtually no risk or danger involved in this situation as there might be with meeting up with someone you met online mere days or weeks previously. We've been very close friends for three years, and, as I said, have spoken on the phone almost every day for over a year. I know who he is, and I trust him completely.
- If I were to go over, I would stay at his home. The logistics of going over to visit aren't what scare me - to be perfectly honest, it's almost solely my own insecurity that's holding me back. I think he's amazing; the trouble is I don't feel "worthy", I suppose. Hence I asked whether I need to just grow a pair and go see if this is worth pursuing.
Assuming our meeting goes well, he's promised that he'll try his very best to spend a year or two studying abroad at my University. Of course there's no guarantee, but shouldn't the fact that we feel so strongly about one another mean that there should be nothing to regret in giving it our all? We're not just a pair of silly kids playing at romance; we're intelligent young people who click perfectly.
Thanks a lot for all your answers thus far.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 This is not an easy situation to be in. Even though you've talked to him for a while and you've seen pictures, nothing beats getting to know someone in person. You have both presented the best versions of yourselves to each other and to truly know someone you need to spend real life time with them.
All of this could turn out great but it could also go nowhere. When I read your line 'I have misgivings about the whole thing' I couldn't help but think that you should pay more attention to how you feel. Maybe it's just normal anxiety to feel in a situation like this but maybe it's something to not ignore. It could be your gut feeling telling you that something is not right.
You say that "the main reason is that I can't bear the thought that he'll be disappointed with who I am in person and I'll have wasted his time and money." What about you? Maybe you'll be disappointed. Unless you've lied about yourself, it's his problem if he's disappointed, not yours.
The problem I see with LDR, especially when all you've had is the internet/phone contact, is that both people build up the other person in their head so much, so that when they meet them and reality hits, many get disappointed.
And as for you flying over there? I understand that he's younger than you but if I was you I'd want him to come and see me, meet me in my own environment.
So what to do? Ask yourself if meeting him will get you anywhere. Say the meeting goes really well and you decide to pursue something. Is that possible, considering you live on different continents, and you're both quite young? Be realistic here, forget the romance and the fantasies...is a relationship really possible? Setting all that aside, it might be a good idea to meet and see what happens.
Whatever you do in the end, keep your expectations low.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 You have good reason for your insecurities and doubts. For one thing, he IS only 17, so quite a bit younger than you. Does he have a job? How can he afford to pay your airfare? You would be well advised (and I can't sress it strongly enough) NOT to go stay with him!) What do you know about his parents and family?
It's always advisable when meeting someone in person you've been contacting online to get together in a public place such as a restaurant, and to get there and leave under your own steam - and this is just meeting a person who lives in the same country as you! Think how much more important it is to observe these dating guidelines when you visit a country where you are essentially a stranger and don't know anyone!!
I am not trying to scare you, just to say that your doubts and fears are feelings you most defintely need to pay attention to. Being safe is far, far more important than meeting someone you don't know for the first time, let alone him paying your airfare! Has he offered to pay for you to stay in a hotel, by the way?
I say: DON'T DO IT!
However, if you must meet him, let him come visit you in England. Invite him to meet your parents and to stay in a hotel in your home town. That would be a better alternative.
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A
female
reader, adamantine +, writes (3 May 2010):
 If you both have webcam.. your best thing to do to test the waters is to video chat. Actual typing and IMing is a lot different to seeing someones facial expressions and eyes while you talk to them.
Take a chance, but don't put your expectations high. It may not turn out the way you want it to.
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