A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been friends with this guy for over a year and we recently started to date. Now that we're romantically involved, I can see that he isn't over his ex.I didn't realize the issue before we started dating, I guess because he doesn't really talk about her to me and she lives in another city.I know I need to take a step back. He can't be a good boyfriend if he's still (consciously or subconsciously) holding out hope for someone else.But do you think this is a lost cause? I ask because he and his ex broke up almost 2 years ago. I know they've kept in touch, have a lot of mutual friends and meet up a few times a year, but as far as I know she's moved on. We are in our mid-20s and 2 years is so long!I really like him and know that we will remain friends regardless. But I'd love to see where a relationship can bring us. I plan to bring it up to him, but I'm fairly certain he will tell me that there's nothing to worry about.Sorry this is all kind of unfocused, but basically do you think he's a lost cause if he's still hung up on his ex after 2 years?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response, no nonsense Aidan.I wanted to add a few more details in case you or anyone wanted to give some more input.The first thing I need to say is that he has only ever referred to her as "my ex" when talking to me. As far as I know, he doesn't realize that I know her name or where she lives... I found all of this information out through a mutual friend (and I've since "stalked" her social media profiles from time to time... toxic, I know).The second thing I want to give is a little info about why I think he isn't over her:--He has strategically left her out of conversations about who he is hanging out with. When he gets together with this group of friends, she is part of that group, but when he talks about the group, he doesn't mention her.--He has visited her city on weekends... I'm not sure if this was a group visit or if he went to visit *just* her... but he told me when he was going to that city because he doesn't know that I know she lives there.--He has mentioned in a conversation we recently had hesitation bout putting "labels" on our relationship... which makes me think he doesn't want commitment because he's still into her?The reason I think she is over him is because if she weren't... why wouldn't they just get back together?Writing all of this out, it seems a lot worse than I originally thought. I really, very much want to explore a relationship with him but perhaps we should just stay friends... what do you think? Thank you!
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (8 December 2015):
I’m having some trouble with this question, because it’s not clear what evidence you have that he’s not over the ex. You said they have mutual friends and meet up from time to time, but if you think that despite this she’s moved on, what’s different about your boyfriend? If he’s doing the same thing, why don’t you think he’s moved on too? What I’m saying is be clear about why you suspect him of not being over the ex, because he’s going to need something to work with. He might tell you that he’s over her, and he might genuinely believe it. If that happens, it’s not going to be a very productive conversation. He might say it’s all in your head; he needs to know exactly what your grounds are for holding these concerns. He can’t reassure you or confirm your fears otherwise. I would say that if he’s still not over her after 2 years, it’s time to give up on the idea of a relationship with him. As I said, though, I’m just not clear why you have reached this view. Make sure that you are.
I wish you all the very best.
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