A
female
age
41-50,
*orceedea
writes:So I don't know if I'm wrong to be concerned and feel bad about getting more serious with him simply because our future career views are different. I currently have a Bachelor's degree in Alternative Medicine and want to continue my education. When we met, my plan was to travel to Arizona to get my Doctorate degree in Naturopathy because I want to be a Natural Doctor. However, my plans changed because he does not want me to leave. So now I am pursuing my dreams in another path by getting my Master's in Nutrition. When we met, he said he wanted to be a Police and was looking for schools to go for Criminal Justice. However, since we have gotten more serious and have started living together and talking about plans to get married. All that ambition and plan he had for his future went to hell. He says he doesn't want to be a police. Wouldn't like it, and is happy with what he is doing now and what he currently has now. He say's going to school is too expensive and only increases your chance of getting in debt and that you can have a career without going to school. I was raised and taught differently and my family says they see him as the type that would depend on me financially simply because I will be making more money then him once I graduate and begin to work in the hospital as a Nutritionist or a Dietician. My problem here is that I don't know if I'm wrong to let my family's words thought affect me in a way where I feel so bummed out that he has no passion to pursue a career path in order to better himself and set an example as I am and would like for our future children? Or if I should just be happy with my higher education and him having just a high school working at the airport and stick with him like two happy couples and just work with our differences? I always wanted somebody to be in my level in everything. Including education and career path so I don't know what to do. Any advice? Please help!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 First off, you should not let your family's views dictate how you view your fiancé. Always be careful of this, are these thoughts coming from you, or from them? You are the one who lives your life, you are the one who lives your life with this man. Not them. So what they think is not number one priority. What YOU think is far more important. Is him being on the same level as you educationally so important? Why? Figure that one out. And if it truly is, your only option is to let this man go and find someone else.
Have you considered going to Arizona anyway and finish your education there? It's not good to sacrifice any dreams for a man. You will regret your decisions and resent him for holding you back. Same as he will resent you if you start pushing him into an education, or job, he doesn't want. Don't hold each other back, or push each other onto uncomfortable grounds. A relationship is still possible even if you leave for a few years.
As for him depending on you financially... he can't unless you let him. And then back to it, if you get married, why shouldn't you be the main provider? What's wrong with that, men have done it for centuries already and it's quite normal that one partner makes more money than the other. It's just a little quirk that you will work your way around. If you're thinking about marriage you should look into prenupt and contracts on how to handle the financial aspect of the marriage.
Your man is right in one thing though, which you shouldn't dismiss so easily: it is fully possible to have work and career without education. He has as much of a chance at it without higher education, and if he hasn't pursued it now he probably wouldn't pursue it even if he had this higher education, and it'd be a waste of money. It's not the life he wants. Has that created a problem for you so far? Or are you only envisaging problems in the future? It's great to be dept free, don't underestimate that. Gives you a ton of freedom. Besides, he's a grown man, he can take care of himself, and if he's a good man to you he will be responsible when you have a family as well, and not loaf around and waste money.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 March 2011):
 if he had a solid ten year plan mapped out for his future i would not be so concerned. Because there are some amazing people in the world who have achieved incredible things, even though they did not complete their education.
But he does not seem to want to do any long term planning.
That is a concern.
Whereas you have a plan. You know
where you are going. One of your important pillars is represented with your commitment to education.
But it seems he does want to coast along enjoying the spoils, hanging on to your coat tails.
No wonder he wants you to stick around. I think he's discovered his potential meal ticket and he's going to stick around. Stick like glue, that is.
You are now entering your late twenties. If you want to take a break later, for children, then your income will take a nose dive. That will put major pressure on your relationship.
What will he then suggest, after children arrive, later? That he be your house-husband? Trust me, it is likely that you will become resentful, over time, at the imbalance in ambition between the two of you..
Plan your studies and what will best meet your direction by choosing from your prioritized list that you think will best meet your professional needs.
Don't adjust your ambitions to suit his lack of ambitions.
In life couples often enjoy banter and great discussions. When you, later, want to discuss your day i can see tensions arising when he has been satisfied with doing menial tasks. While you are excited about something that, professionally
You achieved
I am seeing merit in your parents concerns.
And i do think it is important that the couple share similar values, attitudes, financial goals, financial worth and so on in their relationships.
Your children too, when they arrive, will learn by example. How will you feel if they sit home playing computer games, and let you know, ''hey Mom, I need a new car, you better do some overtime'' NO thanks.
No one likes to feel used.
You sound ambitious, intelligent, capable and resourseful. I think you need a life partner who shares your vaalues.
Best wishes,
Abella
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 As it happens so often, the answer is in your question.
"I always wanted somebody to be in my level in everything . Including education and career path ".
It does not really matters what your parents feel about this , or what your friends or Dear Cupid feel : it matters what YOU feel.
Look deep in yourself and evaluate your real priorities -
real meaning your heart's desire,- irrational or unpractical that it may sound- as opposed to a desire fueled by society /media/ parental expectations.
And if you find out that what you really yearn for is an ambitious, educated mate- it's sad, but the current bf has to go.
Don't feel guilty. People will tell you that what matters it's the treasures of the heart, not money or academic titles- and they are perfectly correct.
But- two truths can coexist, it has not always to be either /or - it's also true that everybody is different and everybody values different things.
Some people would never take as their mate an obese partner, or a disabled person, or someone from a different religion- some could not care less about these things and have totally different deal breakers.
Conclusion : know what counts for you- and be true to yourself.
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