A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi hope you all can help as I'm feeling pretty down right now. Basically I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 months. He is wonderful we have the exact same sense of humour, similar interests, similar tastes, we basically on the outside looking in are a really good match. However there is an underlying problem in that he is not affectionate with me unless I go to him. He has admitted to me that he just isn't an affectionate person. Thing is I crave affection from him. Rightly or wrongly I feel that affection equates to how he feels about me. He assures me he fancies me. I have said to him I would like him to change or else it may well be the end of us. Problem is although I seem quite threatening when I say that, I don't think I would actually ever do that as I don't want to be without him. He also says that I am pushing him away by keeping going on about it. Thats the last thing I really want to do but I don't know how else to confront things so they change. Please help as many answers as possible please! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, cjaqtt  +, writes (16 July 2008):
I have the exact same problem. Alright mine is worse, but who is to say. I have been married to a man like this for clos eto 10 years. We have 2 kids. I can honestly say he has initiated sex, twice in our entire marriage.
Yes it drives me nuts, yes we have been to counseling 4 times, but it has only gotten worse. I have lived with him because I chose to give up that part of myself. Which I now regret horribly. Affection is a part of who i am, I need it in my life. Yes, he was affectionate up until we had been married about 6 months, than things changed dramatically. Just as I can not change him (and he will not meet me in the middle) I do not want to give affection up anymore. Oh and he does not communicate well at all either. Think about where you want to be in five years....I just recently was given a great quote "When the pain of staying outweighs the fear of the unknown, you will have your answer."
A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (15 March 2008):
 My ex-girlfriend was the same (Don't think that I'm just saying that to take the spotlight off of unaffectionate guys!). I felt myself showering her with affection all the time, and would rarely get the same thing back. Not even when we spoke on the phone. Some nights I'd tell her something nice about her, and tell her that I loved her... But then she couldn't even seem to do that. She couldn't say anything nice to me, even if I did to her. She would just say "Well, i AM sorry... I'm just not like that. I can't just say nice things to people."
She was a weird one!
I think you're doing everything right. For me, affectionate relationships are great, and I don't think it will take you very long to find somebody else who likes to show their affection. But that of course is assuming things don't work out with your current boyfriend. Who knows, he may yet end up being the guy you want to be with. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): I've been with my bf over two years and he's just like that too. I love little acts of affection, even just a simple kiss on the cheek for no reason or just holding me or touching me just because you want to be close while we're waiting in line or watching tv. i feel like it shows he loves me. i've talked to him about it before too. does NOT last (like not even a week). he says he loves me that he's just not an affectionate person. yeah he's obviously not. i dont like telling him either because i feel if he really loved me he'd do it subconsciously. i shouldnt have to tell him. it's hard because sometimes i know he does love me and its just the way he is but sometimes it makes me doubt him too. (emotional highs and lows, you know how it is girls!) but i really love and crave those little things. it's important to me. it's not enough for me to break up with him, i still love him lots. it's just.. hard. there was a guy too who always did those things to/for me. He did them because he was so into me you know? e just couldnt help it. there is a quote that makes me feel better.. haha :) "just because someone doesn't love you the way you want him to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." i don't know if this is your case but it seems similar!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 January 2008):
 The problem in relationships is that we tend to, after the introduction is over, show the other person we love them the way we personally feel loved, and forgetting the way they feel loved may be completely opposite of how we feel it.
As an example, not factual, but just to get the point accross. If you were with someone, and they felt loved by getting kicked in the rear, as long as you did that often, they wouldn't go a day not feeling as if you truely loved them.
Both you and the other poster, are physical by showing love, some are buying things or taking them out, or saying words in a certain way. You're boys are missing how to make you feel loved. Tell him, you may say it, but I'm just not feeling what you're saying. Let them know to make you feel loved is not about them, it's about you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): My boyfriend is the exact same. We have been together over two years and ive asked him loadsa times to change. He does for a while...but then it goes bak to the same thing!! Sometimes i think to myself that maybe he should be with someone more confident who wouldnt need assurance all the time!!
I really dont think that a person can change there ways if thats the way they are. Being affectionate is the way you are..could you change from being like that for him....
You have already talked to him and nothing has changed.You cant really do anymore. He knows how you feel about it!!
The thing you need to ask yourself is can you be with a person like this. Do you see yourself bein happy with him. I know us girls love attention and when we dont get it we want it more. But the more you keep talking to him about it he'll want it less. Either you accept him for the way he is or you dont.....
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