A
female
age
41-50,
*inniebabe
writes:Hi...im in a bit of a mess and dont usually do this sort of thing but my family are bias (obviously) and i feel i need some impartial and objective feedback and advice.I am 35 and have been in a relationship with my partner for 16 years. We have 2 children-boy 14 and girl 12. I wanted more kids but dad said no and i have basically had to respect that. He hasnt been much of a good dad to be fair, he has his moments, however, continues to let my children and me down. Our relationship has been difficult and we have struggled to manage throughout our time together as we had no external support.I was told that i was infertile due to polysistic ovaries and with that, have been having unprotected sex. One year later i am pregnant and dad states that he is unable to cope and says that i have to get rid of the baby as he will not be able to manage. I am devestated and totally heartbroken and can not believe that he is taking it to this degree. He has stopped speaking to me so im curled up in bed aching with despair and crying, he ignores me and leaves the house. It is stressing me out and is causing so much heartache, my mood is lowering, i have taken time off work to try to get my head together but i do locum work, therefore if take too much time off i will loose my post. I can understand his concerns, however, he will not consider how i feel or what i want and will not engage in any discussion in relation to my baby. I made an appointment at drs and explained the situation, she booked me in for a termination and said that i could change my mind at any point if i chose to. He did not reassure me before dr appt, did not contact me after dr appt to see how i was. I have been to hospital today for assessment for termination. He has not spoke to me before and has not spoke to me after work. He is avoiding me and his cold, heartless cruel punishing actions are killing me. I have done nothing wrong but he makes me feel i have betrayed him in the worst possible way. I feel so alone and have no one. My sister knows and she has told me to leave him as he treats me bad but he has knocked my self esteem and confidence so bad, i dont really think and cant really see that anyone would ever want me (less so with a new baby).I have spent my life being hurt, rejected, let down, been made to feel ashamed of and he carries that on. I can not believe that someone would thing and feel so little about me after all of this time. I know i am a mug but i can let go...
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confidence, heartbroken, self esteem, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (15 May 2010):
 It is unfortunate that your boyfriend is not involved with his kids, but judging from your post, any self-blame and insecurity they exhibit is actually something they are mirroring from you. Are you not insecure? Do you not blame yourself for the state of your relationship? Your children are taking their emotional cues from you, and you are subjecting them to emotional abuse by staying with this man. i think your fears about another child feeling the same way is justified, but you can change the dynamic of what's happening in your family. Let go of this man and get yourself into therapy and figure out why you are so emotionally dependent on someone who shows you and his children little consideration. Anything you do to heal yourself also heals your kids. You are not deficient in any way and you deserve to be loved and respected. There is someone out there who will give you (and your children) all of the love you want and deserve, but you can't meet him if you're still holding on to this guy and enduring his abuse.
Whether you terminate or not, it is imperative that you do the work necessary to get your self-esteem back.
A
female
reader, linniebabe +, writes (12 May 2010):
linniebabe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi...i would just like to thank each and every one of you for sending me such positive and suppportive replies.
i am eternally grateful...to be honest i was not sure that anyone would care enough to respond but you have all been so kind
i have alot of thinking to do and alot of changes to make...
it breaks my heart that my kids dad does not bother much with them and they often feel bad and as if it is their fault despite the reassuring i give them and the love i give them...how could i put another life through that, knowing that it will create wonder, self blame and insecurity to another person... :-(
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (12 May 2010):
 Ultimately the decision to continue with the pregnancy is your own since this is your body. I have polycystic ovaries and was given similar (wrong) advice about infertilty. Accidents happen and if he was that against more babies he should have used contraception or had a vasectomy. His behaviour towards you is emotional abuse - he is doing this to control your actions. I strongly recommend you get some counselling before you have an abortion. I think you should ring the marie stopes organisation and ask about local counselling services, but they also have an online counselling section on their website. If they cannot help call nhs direct for assistance or see your GP. I am sure you know it can be harder to conceive a baby with polycystic ovaries than for other women, and given your age this may be your last chance to have a baby. This is why I think counselling is especially important for you. As for your partner, I think if your relationship is that awful then it is time to leave. He is asking you to go through a medical procedure in a way that is putting his needs above anyone else in your family. I appreciate he is disappointed by the prospect of impending fatherhood, but accidents happen and it seems he is asking you to take all the risks while he accepts none of the responsibility for the conception in the first place. Alarm bells should be ringing about the depth of his affection for you. Your self esteem maybe eroded from this relationship but his current actions maybe the final straw that breaks the camels back of your relationship. It is better to be a single woman with dependent, happy children than someone in a bad relationship who stays for fear of being alone. Bad relationships affect the children too. It is also possible that you would meet someone else in the future - after all there are many combinations of step-families existing happily in this country right now. I strongly advise you to go for counselling before you make your final decision and I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (12 May 2010):
 Pleaseeeeeeee....... If you want the baby the keep it. You are now 35 years old and maybe this is you last chance to have a baby again so please if you love to have this baby then keep it. You should not be affected so much to what he is doing. I understand the killing emotional abuse but make a decision. please dont let him let you do the thing you will regret for the rest of your life. He can leave if he want but he will be forever the father of your child but the child will be yours forever. Please be strong now for your baby..
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A
female
reader, kitty20  +, writes (12 May 2010):
 I feel your pain and I know how bad for a woman to feel that way specially because of a man... you have to look for a source of power to feel alive again, just accept all your past experiences with him and focus on the future; you have little kids, love them, be a good mom for them and I know that it will make you feel great everytime you look at their eyes, let him go, let him do whatever he want to do just focus on your life with your children, give them all the love that you are expecting to get from him, help yourself to be there for your kids and everything will be just fine,
good luck :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 May 2010):
My father is rubbish. My mum has suffered too long. She has also often said that if she could go back , she would have left long ago. You are going to feel so bad if you go through with this abortion for his sake. Even if you do,he won't suddenly change into a caring man who loves you and looks after you. You are dealing with a very cold man, and you need to stop putting him first and listening to him and trying to make him happy. It's time you put your children, your unborn baby and yourself first. It will not get any better with him, no matter what you do. It will get worse. Take your children and your unborn baby and just get away from him. And make sure you get a good lawyer who will clean him out as well. You can do so much better than this, and you know you're going to feel worse if you go through this for his sake.
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A
female
reader, linniebabe +, writes (12 May 2010):
linniebabe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for answering. i know you are totally right. we currently not living together, he left last week and has not come back.
i just can not understand why someone who claims to love another could be so hurtful and cruel.
i also can not understand what it is in me that can not let go. logically i know he is no good and the life he has given me has been disgusting but why cant i let go and move on. i have tried to before but there is one final little attachment that i can not end and i dont know what it is or why i can not end it.
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A
female
reader, Lucky786 +, writes (12 May 2010):
 You say your family are biased and have come here for impartial advice. Is this really true? I fear you have come here wanting to read answers that say "it's okay,have the termination and stay with this guy blah blah..." Sorry, I'm not going to give you such an answer.I think you have to walk away NOW, away from this man and the unimaginable pressure you are feeling from his emotional blackmail. Take a break from him and decide what YOU want to do about this baby, who is completely dependant on you to make the right decision. If nothing else you owe this baby at least a little time to think clearly about what you really want. If you are having this termination to save your relationship then I fear you are too late. Your relationship sounds like it's ending anyway and even if it doesn't end and you have had the termination, will you really be able to stop yourself from blaming him for making you have a termination.All I can say is please think about you and your unborn child. Don't terminate this child's life because you are too scared to change yours.I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 May 2010):
 He's being a total ass but then you know that already. If you don't want to abort the baby then tell him you are keeping it and he can like it or lump it. Stop letting him know how much he's hurt you, he doesn't care apparently and maybe even enjoys seeing you suffer. Don't let him. Tell him that if he cannot treat you with respect and as an equal partner then he needs to move out. Perhaps a separation is just what he needs in order to realize how good he has it. He will have to continue to support your household and kids. Just don't let him push you around or make you do anything you regret.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): He is not worth it. If you want to keep your baby keep it! DO not let him make the decision for you! You don't need him. If a man makes you feel this way then he is not worth being in your life. It is not your fault and if you want the child then keep it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): please do not get a termination if it is absolutely not what YOU want - you have to live with the decision, not mr heartless. I'm 25, single and pregnant ... i kept thinking i'd thrown my life away having this baby as gone would be my social life and potential love life and all career dreams of the future as i was trapped with a helpless baby on the way. But do you know what - after my hormones settled and i started to accept the reality of the situation, i personally could not be happier ... a kid is not the end of the world and heck, if a man doesn't want to date me because i have a child then he isn't a man i want to date. I am worth more than that!You are not to blame here and you shouldn't have to be punished (whether that be by baby daddy or actually getting a termination). This is your baby, your body, your life ... do what you want and screw everyone else. I personally think you are better off without the baby daddy and keeping this baby that you wanted. I don't know how religious you are but there is a saying along the lines that states that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, thus i believe you can handle this situation no matter what - just believe in yourself!
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