A
female
age
51-59,
*rettyPersonality
writes:My husband has made it clear that he's just not that into me anymore.What should I do? Should I get a separation or more drastically, ask for a divorce? I still love him and want to work out our problems, but I'm at the end of my rope and don't know if I should devote any more energy into trying to fix things between us!We've been married for 4 years now and have known each other for almost 14 years. We dated for 10 years before finally getting married.We'd always had a stormy relationship full of loud passionate arguments followed by passionate making up! In private it was stormy and intense. In public we would sometime forget ourselves and have steamy make out sessions out in the street like teenagers. Back then I had to ask him to stop grabbing my ass in public. Now, he won't even sit next to me on the living room couch.When we first started dating ten years ago, many of his friends were shocked that he was even willing to be seen with me.He's a very handsome guy. One of the Beautiful People. And I'm what people kindly say, a girl with a 'great personality'. In short, I guess people think I have a 'but-her-face."It used to not bother him, even when the neighbors during our building party jokingly referred to us as 'Beauty and the Beast'. My husband being the Beauty and me, you know, the Beast.One of the problems is that I've gained weight. I still have big beautiful breasts and a really nice round ass, but I'm quite chubby now and this is not attractive to my hubby!I am taking steps to lose weight but his constant rejection of me is not encouraging. He constantly says cruel things to me or ignores me. He complains about me all the time to his friends. He told a client of mine, who is also a friend of his, that I'm a disorganized mess, and now my client is uneasy about me handling some projects and even took a project back from me. This is upsetting because I'm trying to pursue a dream of starting a home-based party planning company and I was hoping to build a good rapport and even get recommendations from my client. Now, even though I know that I'm an excellent party planner, I'm having difficulty building a good roster of clients. I feel like my husband is running around spreading a negative PR campaign against me and basically undermining and sabotaging me and my work. He wants me to go back to working a 9 to 5 job in an office. He wants me to lose weight. He says he wants me to be happier and doesn't want to see me frowning. He wants me to smile and only be involved in planning events and parties when entertaining his friends. He throws frequent parties and events for himself and his other Beautiful People friends, parties that I basically clean up for, do the cooking and catering for, while he ignores me and/or comes up to me during the party to complain about not getting the hot appetizers out to the guests fast enough, etc. The last party he complained because I invited some of my friends to attend as well. At another party I went to stand by him and snuggle in a little and he told me not to touch him, to 'stop trying to wear him like a coat!'. I'm am starting to dread these parties. They are exhausting and humiliating on several levels. Not only am I expected to plan, host and cater these parties, I'm also expected to help pay for them too! And afterwards my husband complains about my guests staying too late or just ignores me and is just basically negative and rejecting.It's getting to be too much. I've become some kind of scullery maid. I'm Cinderella and the Prince has turned out to be, not a frog, but a complete and utter ass.The sad fact of the matter is that I still love him, but I really need a break. What should I do?
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a break, breasts, divorce, lose weight Reply to this Question
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male
reader, LOSTONEla +, writes (17 February 2009):
Sounds promising - keep it up - he likely felt that you were not connecting with each other enough. best of luck to you and keep working at it to build love - it is a daily effort and well worth it.
A
female
reader, PrettyPersonality +, writes (3 February 2009):
PrettyPersonality is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help.
The truth hurts, but it's true. My husband and I have a lot of built up resentment from the many pointless arguments that we've continued to have. We've been childish, arguing over who I can invite to our parties. And, on a more serious note, I've been stubborn, expecting him to 'be the man' and shoulder the majority of the financial responsibilities.
We talked and I paid back money that he had loaned me. He did say that he doesn't like the type of clients that I've worked with (one client was always late paying and so contributed to cash flow problems, another client is very demanding and disagreeable and wants to rush tasks that really require more planning time). My husband acknowledged that I've worked with some very difficult clients and so I bring quite a lot of stress into our home. He would like me to stop planning and coordinating parties and fundraising events for others. He'd like me to work exclusively for him so that he doesn't have to continue to hold down a day job while working on his special events in his spare time.
We talked about me helping him put together a business proposal, writing a budget and seeing if we can attract sponsors or approach funders. In the meantime, he is studying for a re-certification exam to secure his position at his day job. So he admitted to being very stressed.
I agreed to shift my focus from looking for more clients. Instead, I'll look at going back to work, just working for a company. Ideally I'd like to work in my field of interest, meeting and event planning, but I agreed to apply for jobs that just require an administrative assistant.
Finances have been tight and since we keep separate bank accounts, neither of us had been very open with each other about our situations. We agreed to be more open. So, it's a start.
And this morning, as he was leaving for work. My husband gave me such a juicy goodbye kiss! Oh my!
So although we're facing a very challenging time. I think we're now getting ready to face it together.
Thanks for helping me air everything out. Thanks for helping us get a fresh perspective on everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): Welcome to level 3 in marriage, and will you pass the maturity test? it's possible. Love is stronger than hard feelings. And if he's getting overly demanding, then you need to take a step back so you don't lose yourself. The passionate (touchy touchy/feely feely) years were fun, but you should be at a stage where you just look across the room and his warm gaze is enough to make you feel loved. But I sense many built up frustrations, and it sounds like you need a vacation from each other to get a new outlook on your relationship. I don't mean seperation, just giving each other some space--so you can clear your head. You even admit to wanting a break. And he's being unrealistic to think you can keep a 9-5 job, plus a seperate party planning service. That's enough stress to reach for the cookies-and Gain more weight:] So make plans to go somewhere...then you'll be refreshed, feel like making positive changes with your life. He'll notice a better attitude, and it's easier to TALK to each other that way.
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A
male
reader, LOSTONEla +, writes (30 January 2009):
All I can say is that people need to put their spouse 1st - I would suggest you check out the book - Marriage fitness. You both need to work to build love. Remember how you both felt when you first fell in love - you both need to want to recapture that - not dictate expectations to each other. My heart goes out to you - good luck
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A
female
reader, Mels  +, writes (30 January 2009):
You said it many times: you need a break. I have been in a similar situation to yours, so I know how you feel. Only in my marriage ppl percive me as the pretty one and my ex hubby as the beast as you called yourself. First of all, do me a favour: don't put yourself down and don't let him put you down. If he married you and went out with you for so long, he must have thought that you were gorgeous.Another thing: if you want to loose weight, do it for yourself not because of what he says or thinking that if your marriage is in trouble it is down to your weight. I spent months thinking, if I was more beautiful, if I was more inteligent, if I had a better paid job... The reality is he would have dumped me anyway because he simply had grown in a different direction and we had nothing else in common. Als, what your hubby does to you professionally is not only arsy but stupid: he should be happy of your success. I just think he likes having control over you and feel threatened by a successful woman. I know it woulkd be hard to leave him, but being with somebody makes sense only if that makes us happier than being on our own. And you deserve to be loved and respected and are entitled to invite your mates at parties, mostly if you are contributing to pay for them. I know it takes courage and it will be horrible but you can't go ahead this way. Talk to him and tell him calmly how you feel, try to see if he's willing to work the relationship out, or walk away. You will find somebody who deserves you and loves you, despite what he or other ppl might say. Trust me. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): i think that you should confront him about your problems,tell him your upset by this and ask him how he feels about you and why hes doing this.tell him that you'd like to take some time apart and see how it goes as you can't go on being treated like this hope it helped x
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