A
female
age
26-29,
*ajangirl1997
writes:So, back in March 2017 I started meeting with a guy I’ve liked for ages! We met about 4 years ago because he is my cousins best friend and so he attended a lot of family events and things like that. We have flirted with each other for a long time Haha. So anyway one night I seen him in a bar we chatted and what not and I ended up staying at his house the same night. So from there we started going on little dates and I stayed over at his house near enough every weekend for about 2 months. Then he dropped a bomb... he explained that he was more than likely going to jail on the 16th June 2017 and was looking at about 2 Years. So I said what does this mean for us ? He then explained that he couldn’t go to prison whilst he has a girlfriend because it would mess his head up , and he said he understands if I basically wanted to do my own thing BUT also said he wants me to wait for him.. I said I didn’t know because I was quite gutted and shocked. We carried on texting but not as much as we had been doing and didn’t meet up once after he told me he was going to jail, and I went on holiday on the 13th June. So whilst I was away I text him saying I hope all goes well bla bla hope you’re okay and we will speak soon. He got sentenced to 18 months. He has rang me quite often off the jail phone and asked me to go and see him. And I recently went and seen him last week and now I CANT stop thinking about him since I saw him. He keeps asking my cousin to bring me down again so he obviously wants to see me. I am 100% willing to wait until he gets out of prison to be with him. I’m certain I want to do this after seeing him. I miss him and I want to tell him how I feel but is this the right time whilst he’s locked up? Am I just going to mess with his head ? Should I tell him how I feel or not? It’s driving me crazy!! My friends say I should tell him but I don’t know ??HELP!
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best friend, cousin, flirt, has a girlfriend, in jail, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 January 2018):
 OP you may not feel that it was a big deal what he done, but driving so dangerously is a serious offence he could have killed the other innocent people that he crashed in to, and even worse is that he is dabbling in drugs. You have came on here without all the proper information because you know deep down people would tell you to not waste your time on a criminal. It is your choice if you wait for him or not, but I wouldn't be wasting my time on someone who is in to drugs, breaking the law, and dangerous driving that could kill innocent people. The choice is yours but personally I wouldn't do it. You say it won't effect his life but off course it will, he will have a conviction which will make family holidays and jobs harder to achieve. He probably will never get in to America ECT with a conviction. The choice is yours.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2018): When you ask for advice, that's what you get here! You have the option to accept it or ignore it. Snarky comebacks when people are trying to help you hurts you more than it hurts those who are trying to educate you. We care!
People with bad attitudes are usually bitter and angry; because they spend a lot of time accounting for and living through the consequences of their bad choices and arrogance. We took time to explain a few things to help you.
Take it or leave it. Others will use the wisdom and be thankful for it.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 January 2018):
 Well without giving the full picture how can accurate advice be provided? The more information that's given the easier it is to answer questions and You're trying to make out this guy has barely done anything wrong when in reality he's been caught without any documents, caught with drugs and endangering people's lives on the road. Would you have the same leniency if you were on the receiving end of someone like that?
The answers here are looking out for your best interests yet you've gone defensive. None of the answers you've received have been out of line and as for you being pissed off that someone mentioned your parents how could anyone have possibly known that they had passed away?
The posters on this website give up their spare time to help people when they need it, the least you could do is be a bit more polite even if you don't think the advice is very helpful, simply discard it.
I think you've gained a bad attitude because you're not hearing what you want. Doesn't sound like you're going to listen to anything that's been said because you've already told us you're not bothered what he's done, so why do you even need advice in the first place? If you're set on waiting for the guy tell him whatever you want, why will it make a difference?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 January 2018):
 Like I said in my first answer,
"For me personally, I think it depends on what he did."
One thing is doing something stupid like driving without a license (or before your license is valid) but that is the whole story, it seems like there is a laundry list of CRIMINAL behavior going on.
He might be sorry he got CAUGHT, but you can't know that he is actually feeling remorseful for his action.
My niece had a high school friend who got behind the wheel while drunk and crashed the car. His little brother (a year younger than him) died and he went to prison for 5 years.
My niece and him started seeing each other when he got out and it was honestly a disaster. He started to drink and had no self control, he lost job after job (that she helped him get), he took ZERO responsibility for his actions and then he got into drugs. Using and selling. All within 6-9 months of being released from jail. He is back in on a parole violation. Thankfully my niece DID finally listen to the advice that she CAN NOT fix this guy, that is HIS job, and after he HIT her she dumped him.
I'm NOT saying that the guy you like, is the same. But I am saying that YOUR guy - like the guy I mentioned has issues that complicates life. When you get into CRIMINAL behavior, it QUITE often turns into a vicious circle. They keep running in a bad circle and because they have ONE conviction they feel like no matter what it doesn't matter how hard they try, so they stop giving a single F and keep doing STUPID stuff dragging other people into it, LIKE YOU.
He can be an attractive, cute, and charming guy who ultimately is a LOSER because he doesn't take responsibility and work on doing better, being better. YOU CAN NOT fix a broken guy like that.
Let's say he gets out, buys weed/pot again and gets caught and YOU are in the car... WHAT do you think could happen to you? Sure, it might be HIS weed/pot but that doesn't mean you would go scot-free.
Again, he might NOT be like that. But if he is even a 1/10 of that it's a LOT more than you need in your life.
DATING at your age (any age) shouldn't involve prison or be this complicated.
People are giving you advice here NOT to judge him but to help you MAKE the best choices we can think of, because we DON'T want you to get a broken heart or get into something you are NOT equipped for.
It may not BE what you want to hear, but maybe it will be some food for thought?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 January 2018):
 If you wanted good advice, you need to be complete with your information. I'm sorry about your parents, but don't get pissy with us when it was your fault for not mentioning their status in your opening post. You're not the only one who has lost their parents, and I sense that you have blamed their passing for a lot of bad decisions on your part.
Speaking of bad decisions, what part of DON'T DATE A FELON aren't you getting from all of our advice to you??? Worrying about telling him your feelings?? COME ON!
You sound just like my cousin, who incidentially lost her father at a young age as well in an airplane accident. She started seeing someone who spent a few years in prison. I don't remember what for, but long story short, she would send him money while in prison and they kept up this intense correspondence while he was on the inside, promising "Forever" and all sorts of crap.
Their relationship lasted for a week when he got out and he cheated on her with an ex she didn't know existed and also sent him money in prison, and she ended up pregnant and abandoned. Her son is beautiful to be sure, but he's been in and out of prison and long abandoned her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2018): Do not date a jail bird!Find a decent guy with no record.Listen 2 years is a long time.He must have done something worse than he told you. So he lies to you but you still love him?Is this how you want to live your life? Visiting someone in jail. Most people are repeat offenders so you could be visiting him in jail off and on for years. Any how when he is in jail he will not have time for you he will be too busy with his cell mate big bubba. Let him go. Get someone who is smart enough to make something out of their life. You know you are smarter than that.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 January 2018):
 OP ! What are you talking about ? Don't be so gullible !
In UK you don't get jail time under the LC 10 conviction code for driving without license and insurance. It is a serious motoring offence, yes, still the highest penalty is a £ 5000 fine.
Your friend must have very conveniently forgotten to inform you that, while he was driving with no licence and no insurance (.... which anyway , it IS a big deal insofar it shows an entitled, me-first-fuck-you-all, antisocial mentality.....) something else happened to him, like attempting a robbery or getting busted for selling drugs.
And as for jail time not having consequences on his future and employability ?.... Well. Long life to the Uncle then. Should the Uncle die, or retire from business, or simply, decide to fire this guy , he will have to sweat it a good bit to find a job where they would prefer a guy with a criminal record over a s...load of other guys equally qualified but with no record.
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A
female
reader, Bajangirl1997 +, writes (5 January 2018):
Bajangirl1997 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay so he got done for dangerous driving as he crashed into someone as well. He also got found with cannabis in the car but I didn’t think I’d need to go that much into detail as this is not the question i asked. And My parents are dead , but thanks for bringing that up. TRUST ME I would not be here if I had a mother or a father to talk to , but we all haven’t got that luxury. Let me get something straight. I am NOT Bothered about his conviction as there are MUCH worse people In the world than him. He REGRETS his decisons made on this night and is having the worse time in jail. I wanted some good advice, not a lesson on law and criminology.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 January 2018):
BINGO!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2018): Here in a America, construction companies have to be "bonded" and insured before they are given contracts. This includes a legal requirement (often in the terms of the contract) that their workers are certified, licensed, and trustworthy; and have been properly vetted. The client sometimes hire other companies to do their background checks. Workers have access to secured job sites, expensive tools, and materials. I wouldn't be surprised if they don't have similar requirements in the UK. Government-contracts are even more strict about this.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 January 2018):
Why haven't YOU done a background check on this guy??
They're ultra-cheap (FREE in some cases depending on where he's from), and employers do them on everyone to protect themselves.
No WAY this guy told you everything about why he's incarcerated. You don't know whether this is his first offense, or whether he didn't tell you ALL of his charges (very rarely does someone get charged on ONE count of something!).
Let me give you an example:
Let's say I took a gun that wasn't registered to me, walked into a store, and shot someone twice, killing them with the second shot.
Do you think MURDER is the only charge they'd charge me with?
No, it would be Traveling with an unregistered firearm, brandishing in public, two counts of discharging a firearm in public, assault with a deadly weapon (for the non-lethal shot), and murder. That's at least SIX counts.
So how would you feel if I told you that I was put into jail for 20 years to life for driving with an unregistered gun?? It's the truth, but not the WHOLE truth.
I have done LOTS of background checks (potential employees and potential clients), and oftentimes I pull up a list complete with mug shots and what people plea bargained down from in the court records. The internet is amazing for knowing what you need to know about people, and it has saved me countless money and headaches to protect myself.
You could ruin your life with the wrong person. Why would someone good in bed have that sort of power??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2018): You are a 20 year-old young woman who feels she's in-love.
These comments say it all:
"I am 100% willing to wait until he gets out of prison to be with him. I’m certain I want to do this after seeing him. I miss him and I want to tell him how I feel but is this the right time whilst he’s locked up? Am I just going to mess with his head ?"
Nothing we really say makes any difference. Your mind is made up and you're going to wait whether you tell him or not.
Wisdom tells me he's lying about why he got so much time. He has other serious violations or has been arrested before.
Driving infractions short of repeated DUI's (driving under the influence) do not get that type of jail-time. Perhaps the car he was driving without a license and insurance was also stolen. Why wouldn't a 24 year-old man have a driver's license?
I could only guess what your parents would say! I know you came here; because you didn't ask them, or they are against it. If you had their blessings or valued their advice; you wouldn't need our opinions.
It's best to let you learn the hard-way rather than preach the unlikeliness he told you the whole story. He planted a seed in your mind how in-love he is with you; so you're already brainwashed. He can count on your feelings not to allow you to listen to anything to the contrary.
He will have a jail-record and it will follow him everywhere. He will not pass background checks; and will have to work for his uncle for as long as his uncle will have him. Which gives his uncle a lot of power over him.
You're gullible and in-love. I won't specifically warn you. I just hope other young women in the same situation would take a pass. There are so many good available young men out there seeking educations, already have decent jobs, with clean backgrounds, no legal-troubles, and looking for love!
For those young women willing to listen to this advice...
I'll drop the mic! (This is a winged word or aphorism used to accentuate or emphasize a point here in America!)
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 January 2018):
I have to agree with the others I think he's lying about what he's in for. I think before you tell him anything it would be very wise to get the real story of what's happened so you know what you're letting yourself in for.
My guess for someone of that age would be drug dealing. I know of people local to me who were handed similar sentences as a first offence.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2018):
I wouldn't tell him just yet.. again, what is the hurry?
You think he is going to be looking at other girls?
And I agree with the two anon posters who mention that 18 months is a lot for a first offence driving without a licence.
LINK:
http://cartwrightking.co.uk/areas-of-practice/motoring-law/driving-without-license/
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What punishment could you face?
Under the LC10 conviction code driving without a full driving licence can lead to 3-6 points on your licence and a potential fine of up to £1000. Additionally, if you drive without a licence AND insurance, you can be given a further 6-8 penalty points on top of the points you received for the initial offence and a fine of up to £5000. If the Courts feel it necessary, they have the authority to ban you from obtaining a full licence for a period of time that they see fit.
The punishments you can face therefore are the following:
Penalty points on your licence
Fines of up to £5000
Face a ban of acquiring a driving licence for a period of time
Additional costs from potential car insurers
Difficulties finding employment in certain job fields
Paying for any damages you may have caused.
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So it doesn't look like:
1. it was a first offence
2. it was "only" about the no drivers licence and insurance. There is probably more to it than you know.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2018): Eighteen months in prison for driving without a licence or insurance? That seems very steep. Something doesn't smell right. He may not be telling you the whole story.
Be very, very wary.
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A
female
reader, Bajangirl1997 +, writes (4 January 2018):
Bajangirl1997 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you , so should I tell him how I feel or not ? Should I tell him I like him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2018): Due to his sentence you will have to wait ether way, and as other commenters have stated using this time to work out if he is the best fit for you is a good idea rather than commiting while he is in prison. There is nothing to stop you being friends and visiting while you think. Unfortunately he may be lying about why he is in prison. The most you get (in the UK) for driving without a license and insurance is an unlimited fine and a driving ban. 18 months is also a very long sentence esp for a first offence. It might be time to investigate a little before you get more deeply involved.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2018):
Alright, that is a start.
So he was not making good choices. That might be about maturity more than smarts. Hopefully he will learn from this.
If you feel this guy is a GOOD fit for you (and I mean that you two share more in common than having fun flirting) keep visiting him, see how it goes. He isn't going to go anywhere... for a while.
The thing is (from what I have seen and heard) is that it's not uncommon that when guys (like your man) leaves prison he wants to remove himself from that past which also means from the people close to them such as friends and especially GF's.
Which is why I'd just let this go with the flow. You can decide that you will wait for him, be faithful to him while he is locked up but you don't need to push for anything. If he has TOLD you he isn't looking for GF while in prison - then just spend the time getting to know him.
Let's say you tell him. and then you meet someone else who just seems like the BESTEST fit ever for you. What then?
Things might change when he gets out. Also he might get out faster than 18 months.
I don't know about putting your life on hold for a guy. Especially a guy that may or may not want a relationship when he gets out. Which is why I'd stick to just taking it slowly and get to know him. Let him get to know you.
Don't make promises you don't know (100%)if you can keep.
Is there a fire? Do you need to hurry to make the decision? My guess is no, so just go slow, go with the flow.
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A
female
reader, Bajangirl1997 +, writes (4 January 2018):
Bajangirl1997 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am 20 and he is 24. He got caught driving with no licence or insurance. Not really a big deal? He used to work in construction for his uncles business , his future is hardly going to be affected. Yes this is his first involvement with the police. He hates jail it’s his biggest regret.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2018):
For me personally, I think it depends on what he did.
When you think about it, him going to jail and having a criminal record can seriously hamper his future.
Also how much older than you is he? Is this his first conviction?
You are 18-21 so YOUNG to tie yourself to a guy who IS going to be locked up and keep away from other people because of ACTIONS he did and CHOICES he made.
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