A
female
age
30-35,
*rueLoveWaits2016
writes:Ever since I was little, I was always in my older siblings shadow. I've healed a lot, but I still find myself inadequate compared to their successes despite having my own. I was always compared, sibling has a better social life, higher education, more ambition etc etc. That did permanent damage to my self esteem. Honestly I wouldn't have minded the criticism or the push for me to do better, the comparing really got to me. Of course my sibling and I are different, but my passions/hobbies/likes were pretty much dismissed if not looked down upon. How do I stop feeling inadequate? I want to stop caring
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2018): I think it goes a little beyond feeling inadequate. I think it's more about sibling-rivalry and envy. Envy tends to be very toxic. Being competitive for attention and having other siblings to share praise and attention from your parents; you would focus more on how much more they got, and less on what you received.
You probably rarely or never celebrated; or felt pride for your siblings. How do you think they felt about that?
Culture and strict-tradition sometimes will sterilize parents until they're nothing more than "breeders of achievers." More focused on name, success, and prominence. Less on family-values and showing love to their children.
Children vie for their parent's attention and praise, some are just more eager to get that validation than others. So they push themselves, behave, and over-achieve. Not in each and every family-situation. They sometimes learn that their parents' love is conditional. They become estranged.
Most of the time, your parents have faith in you; and they know you can do better. So they push! They want you to have a greater advantage and access to the best of things. Things they never had; or to be able to maintain the legacy or wealth they will pass-down to you. So you can pass it down to your own kids. You're usually an adult before you realize this. If you're not too consumed in bitterness.
Parents are supposed to push you to your fullest-potential. It's when they push you beyond your abilities. Treat you badly by withholding their affection, or ignore you for failing to meet their expectations. Lazy and envious children will always characterize their parents as the latter. Claiming they're withholding affection due to their disappointment. Never-mind their own bad behavior, irresponsibility, and indifference towards good grades.
That is often due to a warped sense of entitlement. You don't try harder; but you still feel "entitled" to equal praise for doing less than the others. You want the same glee for a "C" that the others got for making an "A!" Life doesn't work like that. As you learn when you get a job!
We all have different or varying levels of ability; and as you matured, you became more aware of that.
Envy will cloud your judgment and will make you feel as though everyone is trying to make you look bad. You will resent them for the rewards they've earned. You'll give-up trying or doing your best; because you're wrapped-up in resentment for them working so hard. So you perform less, and stop improving on your own abilities; because your focus is on stealing their thunder, hatred, and not appreciating your own self-worth. You'll insult God for the blessings He has given you; because they weren't like what He gave somebody else! So the blessings will stop!
Sometimes envy makes you despise your siblings so much, you get consumed by it. That bitterness will make you lose confidence in your own talents, abilities, and special qualities. You will stunt your own growth. Jealousy distorts reality, and you see ugly things that aren't really there. You belittle yourself; but you project it onto others. From a child's point of view; you see your parents and siblings at fault. In reality, you did this more to yourself.
If your siblings worked extra hard to achieve, should they have been ignored to make you feel better? If you decided they didn't deserve praise or reward for hard work; wouldn't that make you as bad as your parents? You centered all your attention on competition. They focused on achievement. You assumed your parents loved them more for what they achieved. That's how envy will distort things. You withdrew your love for everybody else, and blamed them for it!
You feel better now, because you're an adult. As a child, you couldn't see things clearly for being so jealous and resentful. Maybe for being a little lazy. We're all unique, with things we do better than others. Life doesn't always require us to compete or compare ourselves to others. That's just the nature of some people.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2018):
 I totally understand how you feel, but I would TRY and look at it from a different perspective. When your parents rave about your siblings, it's probably more out of PRIDE (in their offspring) rather than wanting to put you down.
My dad and I talk about twice a week and my brother is USUALLY one of the subjects - my dad likes to bring him up and whatever shenanigans my brother is up to now. Like when he bought a 50 acre farm, or how he now drives a Jaguar. My dad is proud that my brother is doing good. I AM proud that my brother is doing good.
It's OK for parents to be proud of their kids. In my case I was lucky to have a mom (especially) who also ALWAYS praised my creative side. Who always looked for the good in everyone and shared her love and praise evenly between my brother and I.
You ARE you. And I have NO doubt you have some talents that your siblings don't, so instead of thinking you have to BE like them, just be you - the BEST you, you can be. Now you family may not praise that - but you can't LIVE on praise. Someone, besides you, will see your worth.
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (5 January 2018):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie, just recently I started feeling somewhat ok w/myself. Hearing that stuff from my parents was/is painful and there are days where I feel extremely inadequate, esp thinking abt my siblings accomplishments over mine.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2018):
We all have things we are good at.
My older brother is WAY more successful than I ever was, he had WAY more drive and ambition. He was always better at sports. We both have decent amount of education. I have two bachelors, he has a masters. We both have daughters, I have 3, he has 2 and they are all great kids.
We never really competed for attention growing up.
He did all the stupid stuff and I (for the most part) avoided all the stupid stuff because I had seen him falter and fall.
I have always been WAY more creative - music, singing, drawing, painting, writing etc. He is not. He is an extrovert and I'm an introvert. That is just how we are.
My family is REALLY a mixed bag of extroverts (to the extreme lol) and introverts so there was never really any favoritism. At least what I can recall.
I love and adore my brother. I always will. He isn't perfect and I'm not perfect, but the flaws are what I love most about him. He is such an annoyingly optimistic and positive person.
YOU and your siblings are INDIVIDUALS. You are not clones or cut with cookie cutters.
Focus on your strong suits, on what makes you happy and accept that you DO NOT have to compete. Life is not a sprint, it's a marathon. It just keeps going and going, so YOU do things that makes YOU happy, that you enjoy and stop trying to BE someone you are not.
Some parent think comparing the kids is a good way to make them try harder, personally, I think it's the dumbest thing a parent can do. I hope my girls are taking the lessons I have been trying to teach them and go their own ways. Be a good person, do good and enjoy life. Take the good with the bad.
Work on YOU. Make YOU the priority in your life, you are now the focus. Doesn't mean you should stop caring about your family but ultimately YOU are the one walking down a path, so CHOOSE the one you feel/think is best for you. NOT what they think.
Also, counseling/therapy might help you let go of all that pressure you feel you are under.
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