A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in love with a man who is incarcerated. I met him through a pen pal service which asks for people on the outside, like myself to write to prisoners. To be on the safe side, I picked a man who was doing life without the possibility of parole. I thought, if he wont ever get out of prison, then there is no way he can come and find me and I can have a good pen-pal type relationship with him.Now, I want nothing more than him to come here and knock on my door! Its been a year of writing. I live here in the UK and he is incarcerated in the US. He is in for 1st degree murder and attempted murder , so there is no way he will ever experience freedom. I don't know what to do. I'm going over to visit him in January. I'll stay near the penitentiary and visit eveyday for four hours. But I can only do that for a week tops. I'm just so ...stuck. I love him. I know I do. He loves me too, but he is more realistic and says that its best to cut contact because he sees that it hurts me. He went into the pen pal thing knowing that it would be the only outside contact he has. some one please help me.
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female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (27 August 2011):
INFATUATION. GET RID OF IT!!!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 August 2011):
 The bond you have made to him is not as real as you think it is. It is a natural creation, but a creation none the less. There's a man you never met, never saw, he could be anyone your heart wishes. He writes the correct things, and you add meaning to the words. Your heart is looking for someone to love, but your love could be given to anyone. You chose to give it to him, because you dedicate so much of your time and energy to him.
But had it been someone else, the same thing would have happened. It's not about him as a person. It's about you having a lot of love to give, and you attach yourself easily to others, or to him anyway, without knowing him. You are in love with the idea of being in love.
He's a murderer. God knows what he'd be like in a relationship if you and him could, in an imaginary world, be together. I doubt he'd be nice. But through a letter in the mail, sure, he can sound nice. But so can a million other men who you actually can meet and build a real relationship with.
Your prison friends is right, it is better to cut contact, or at least separate yourself from him. Go see him if you wish, but make it the only time you do. Don't attempt to start something more, or let this go on for ages. You are only wasting your time.
Love him all you want, but love him as a friend. Love him for the man he is: a man who's in jail for life. Do not love him for what he is not: the man of your dreams who will come and sweep you off your feet and give you a happy ever after.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (27 August 2011):
 Hi,
I am really sorry that you are in love with a man that will never be free. I know you had good intensions and never meant to fall in love. Love is the only beautiful natural talent that a human posses and you never deserve to feel hurt by giving love to someone.
But you have to be realistic and accept the fact that this relationship will never have a future. I know it's painful, hard to accept, but in this situation you have no choice. I feel sorry for him too. I know he made a huge mistake and it's costing his life.
I believe he has true feelings for you by telling you to end, this shows he cares about you and respect you. There's no words that can comfort you and him. Please, just do what's best for you and be strong.
I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (27 August 2011):
 He's in prison for life - for murder. What if he murdered someone very close to you and he's definitely a very violent person. The side of him you're seeing is clearly stage managed you don't want to know the real him. You wanted a pen pal and to reach out to someone in prison; You've done that. Let it go and find happiness elsewhere. I'm just being honest with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): Don't do it! I was incarcerated and had pen-pals. It is difficult for guys doing life to maintain their composure. You have fallen in love and don't even know this man. He did the right thing by telling you to go your own way and you should listen. Don't get your heart broken. But I know that your emotions are going to get the best of you and well....good luck lady
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (27 August 2011):
 Hoo baby.
I can't agree more with Denise32.
You are getting too deep in an unrealistic situation, and you're glorifying a man (who is a murderer at that) who you don't really know. Everyone sounds good in writing, and yes - he's a human, with capability of love, someone's kid - all that. You've made good conversation, but you don't really KNOW him.
I will give him kudos for being much more down-to-earth about this than you are. He knows that this is simply an impossible relationship and that you are getting too involved. My guess is that he just wanted some outside contact and a break from prison life through writing and living vicariously through your conversation together. And he might have gained a connection to you, but he can see that you'll only end up hurt and alone.
I wouldn't go meet him. That is playing with fire, missy, and setting yourself up to get burned. Meeting him will only make you more attached. Nope, you need to cut contact, say goodbye, wish him well and move on to feasible (and safer, non-murdering) pastures.
Best of luck to you. You clearly have a big heart - don't let that get tangled up in a situation that will only break it.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (27 August 2011):
 Unbelievable.
You "love" a man you've never met. You must surely know it takes time - months, at the least - of meeting in person, talking, spending time with mutual friends, going places and getting to know each other, good points and bad before you can decide whether you are well-matched for a future together?
Anything else is infatuation; building a fantasy in your mind and heart.
And THIS man is never gonna get out of prison, having committed murder, PLUS attempted murder. Sheesh. I know, I know, he's a human being, and some mother's son, and all that. Maybe (probably is) charming in his letters to you and tells you he loves you.
I will give him credit for advising you to cut all contact with him. That at least shows common sense and a modicum of decency. HE knows your friendship is a road to nowhere.
You say you went into this to be a pen pal, and nothing more, only you have allowed your imagination to run away with you......
You'd be wise not to waste your money going to visit him in prison.
Why don't you seek out some decent, eligble guys closer to where you live? Surely you'd be happier that way.
In conclusion, I know this is harsh, but you did ask for someone to help you.
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