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female
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anonymous
writes:Hey there...I'll try to keep this organized so it's not so confusing. lolI have a room mate...we used to be together romantically but it just wasn't working so we decided tp try to build up our friendship and leave the romance out of it...okay..so recently I went to California on a trip to see a close friend. I had been planning it for nearly a year beforehand.but my room mate and I had some financial problems and I had to lend him some money for things he needed. I did this after he knew he would have to pay me back before my trip since it was cutting into my trip budget.so he gave it back and I went on to California. But when I came back all hell had broken loose. His car had died, and my mother tried to help him get a new one, but it turns out he had bad credit from when he got sick and relied on his credit cards. So I come back to being blamed for his debt since I was gone on vacation when his car died. apparently I simply "didn't Care" since I decided to stay in California 2 days longer than he expected me to stay...and because I had him give me back the money I lent him before I went. Now my mother (who owns my home but doesn't live here, the mortgage is in her name) is letting him blame me and telling him he can move in with HER if I threw him out!I'm lost...this is my mother and a so-called close friend! what they are saying hurts alot and I feel like I can't trust anyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): I am not sure I have this straight, but it sounds like this guy is a financial mess and he and your mom are made for you not bailing him out?
Don't fall for it if this is the case. Do not be the enabler. You have no obligation to pay for things he cannot pay for and every right to ask for money owed to be repaid. Do not lend him money again. Do not try to justify why, just say "I'm sorry its just impossible" repeat as often as necessary.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Well your roomy needs to clear the air with your mom that he didn't lend you any money. My first thought was to kick him out, but if mom is willing to house him, then that means you either have to pick up his share of the rent or get a new room mate. If this is okay, then this might be the best thing for you, otherwise, consider moving out yourself and get a cheaper place if you can.For your roomy, he should be at least seeing a doctor for his anxiety and maybe a counselor.Your in a pickle, but it seems communicating and reaching a mutual and fair agreement is needed. Not an easy situation to deal with, I will admit.Good luck!
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 OK I think I understand more now, however, you are not in the wrong here as you are entitled to assistance with Food and not your ex so why shouldn't you have taken your card with you, he is being extremely selfish in my opinion.
You are also the one who is severely disabled and your ex is trying to make out he is the victim in all of this.
Why is it that your ex lives with you and not with his own family at all?
I don't think it is fair that you are being painted as the villian in all of this, your mother really should be told the truth here as she is YOUR mother at the end of the day and she is going to be tricked into lending your ex money for a car if she is not being told the whole truth here, what if he decides to not pay her back for almost a year, will she then blame you again. I am sorry but you need to talk to your mother properly without your ex around and tell her the truth.
So your ex has anxiety problems, I know a few people like that and I'm afraid that you cannot walk around on egg shells for the rest of your life and it must be awkward living with someone you used to be romantically involved with as you feel some sort of loyalty and he is taking advantage of that. You are giving him your food which is not right but you have this sense of sharing with him and he would not that elsewhere would he, he would have to stand on his own two feet and whilst he sits on your back and also your mother's he is not facing up to the real world.
I think you would be better off having someone else share your house with you or maybe getting more assistance from the government so that you live alone. Do you need help with everyday things due to your disabilities? Could someone professional help you instead of your ex if this is the case?
Don't live in fear of what your ex may do as you will be stuck in this situation for the rest of your life otherwise and that just isn't fair on you.
I lived with my ex for the last year when his rented place was being sold and it was 9 days before my dad passed away and he only moved away this month. We work together with our own business and he still owns half of the house I live in with our 7 year daughter. It was hard living my own life with my ex around so you need to be strong emotionally and get support from your mother as at the end of the day she is YOUR mother and not his.
Wish you well, just stay strong and remember to do the things you want to do with your life and not what others want you to do, it is your life and we only get one chance at it so don't live under anybody else's shadow OK.
Here any time for you OK
BFN
Country Woman
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCountry Woman...I think I need to add more information so that you have a complete picture. although I thank you for your advice.
My room mate and I pay the mortgage on the condo except it is 400$ a month more than the actual cost of the mortgage because my mother uses the rest of the money to pay her credit cards.
Also my room mate has some sort of...anxiety problem. He always thinks the world is out to get him and that everyone is somehow plotting against him...thats part of the reason we are no longer in a romantic relationship. It was too much for me emotionally.
I'm severly disabled and because of that I get assistance for things, which is why it took me so long to save for my trip.
I get assistance with Food from the government as well and I took my card with me when I went on my trip so I would have a second form of ID and my room mate got angry and called me and told me I was selfish for taking the card with me when he needed it for food while I was gone.
I always shared my food with him because I thought it was fair since we lived together and all..but he seems to be getting angry at me for everything now. He didn't tell my mother that he owed me the money back..she called him and asked him why he didn't have any money for another car.
since he works alot and he told her I took it for my trip.
Ugh....I feel very abused here..
and he doesn't want me to talk to my mother because he thinks if I make her angry she won;t help him get a car...
so now I feel even more stuck.... :(
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (20 March 2008):
Sweetheart you were good enough to lend your room mate money and he always knew you needed it for your trip, if there was a big problem in repaying you why didn't he say so and what I can't understand is why your mother is being drawn into this.
I can understand how you feel about your mother as she is completely on his side and why is he relying on your mother to bail him out about his car rather than going to his own family?
Your trip had been planned for a year so it wasn't like it was a surprise and why should you feel guilty about you saving up and going to see a friend, you are no longer in a relationship with him and your mother obviously has a lot of affection for him otherwise why would she offer to put a roof over his head. Seems to me like she is getting herself into all sorts of problems as I doubt she will see a penny of rent or anything if he lives with her.
How do you stand now though if he does move out? Will your mother continue to cover the property you are living in or is she saying otherwise?
Why should you be the one to carry your ex financially, if your mother decides to do that then it is her choice but you shouldn't feel guilty about standing up to both of them. Could you get another room mate to help with the bills if he does move out?
Or what is the possibility of you living elsewhere altogether as it seems to me that you are always going to have this threat of being kicked out of your home if your mother decides to trade her loyalty to your ex? How safe are you where you are at the moment? I would check out my options if I was you and perhaps look into living with a friend or house sharing somewhere else so that you are not dependent on anyone apart from yourself.
Take care and here anytime OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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