A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend lives with me in Ohio and left to go stay with a male friend in Florida where another good friend of his recently died in an accident. I am having an issue with the fact that when I call (if he answers) he is always at his deceased friends house house hanging out with this friends widow. There is usually a "football" party going on or some kind of party with a lot of drinking. I am upset because I don't think it is respectful toward me or his dead friend for him to be hangging out with his friends widow. Am I crazy? He says I am very wrong for having these feelings. He is 50 years old and I can't understand why he can't see why this is wrong. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 December 2012):
 You live together normally but he travels south in the winter to find work. That’s got to be hard in general.
“when I call (if he answers)” does this mean he’s not contacting you and you are doing all the relationship rowing? What happens if you don’t call? Does he just ignore you? Was he like this last time he was gone for the winter? If he’s not changed his pattern then you may be over-reacting. IF his pattern has changed, that would be a red flag.
Now let me play devil’s advocate here. IF the wife had died and he was at the friend’s house with the now widower and every time you called there was a “football party” of some sort going on would you feel disrespected? Would you be so angry and hurt? Or is it the insecurity of the fact that he’s hanging out with a woman that bugs you? If it’s the fact that he’s spending time with a woman, then you have to ask yourself why don’t you trust him.
As for having no right to your feelings, of course you have the right to feel whatever way you want. It may be that you are seeing it differently than he is and that he really is not doing anything wrong in his eyes. He may not have romantic feelings for her, he may like her… he may enjoy spending time with her as it makes him feel closer to his now deceased friend…
I just have to wonder what it is specifically about the situation that bugs you... the parties (which btw are not disrespectful at all IMO)
If you have ever been to a Jewish home when the folks are sitting shiva, they are in mourning... there is drinking, there is laughter, there is very much a party atmosphere on and off during the first seven days after a person dies... so I don't see a party in the persons home as disrespectful of the deceased.
I think what's bugging you is that he's not getting in touch with you and he's spending time with a now single woman and you don't trust him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012): i would be worried. a lot of times in these situations the best friend and the widow do fall for each other. especially when they spend a lot of time together. i have seen it countless times and they don't mean to hurt anyone, but sometimes people just fall in love.
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A
female
reader, Kember +, writes (19 December 2012):
OP follow up: We have lived together for 4 years. He went one month ago to another state to do work as he does concrete work and there is no work in this state during the winter months. It just so happen that his friend died one month ago and lived in the other state. He is at the widow's house with "her side of the family" which would be her daughters. The daughters are in their 30's. The day of his friends funeral a neighbor had to call the police because of a loud party that was coming from the widow's house! When I questioned my boyfriend about always being there partying he says that is how it always was when his friend was alive. I blocked his number last night after a big fight because he refuses to see why this situation is disrespectful to me. He thinks he has done nothing wrong and I should not be upset. He says I have no right to feel this way. Am I wrong?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (19 December 2012):
Hi there. Even though he was close to his deceased friend, it's not appropriate to be hanging out with his widow really, is it?
The first thing you would have to be thinking now, is - "Does he have feelings for her, and did he have feelings for her when his friend was alive?"
That question, you couldn't help but wonder about.
It sounds like he is making excuses about being a loyal friend to his deceased friend's widow, but is there more to it than that?
This is what you need to find out.
And you are going to have to be tactful when you talk about it with him, so it doesn't end up being a big argument.
Nevertheless, talk about it you must.
And especially, if it is happening frequently.
Perhaps when you talk about him being with her, you could do it in such a way that you are not accusing him of anything, just that you miss seeing him.
And when you call him and he is with her, is it on any nights you would normally be seeing each other?
So my understanding here is that you are not actually living together, but at separate addresses - is that right?
Another thing you need to be aware of also, is whether how he is when he is with you, is it still the same - or, has he changed in some way?
Is he still as affectionate towards you?
Do you still make love with the same frequency?
So what I am really asking here, is has he changed towards you lately, in any way at all?
Does he act sneaky when he's around you - or has he become secretive in some way such as hiding his mobile phone, so you can't see who he has called or any text messages received?
So basically, you are looking for any changes in his general behaviour towards you - even tiny little things that he would otherwise not do.
And if there are no changes, he's not being secretive and he is otherwise pretty much the same man as he was before, well then you probably have nothing to worry about.
Perhaps from now on, don't call him - let him call you instead.
Give him some space.
Even if it gets to be a week or two, still do not contact him in any way.
So if he is used to you making a lot of the contact, well then he will certainly notice if you stop, suddenly.
And it will also show him that you are upset with him in some way, don't you think?
And I suggest you stop all contact with him - no texts and no phone calls either - and let him initiate ALL contact from now on.
And when and if he does, don't be cool or upset to him, and also DON'T talk about him visiting his deceased friend's widow either.
Just leave it completely OUT of the conversation.
Don't ask even ONE question about her, or even hint at what he is doing when he is not with you.
You don't want him to think you are becoming insecure, and are going to hound him about it every time he calls you or sees you.
So even as hard as it might be to do this, just refrain from saying ANYTHING at all about it.
And just see if he mentions anything about her, or about going there.
And in the meantime, why not go out and enjoy yourself with your friends and kick up your heels a little and have some fun yourself?
Why the hell not? You deserve it, surely.
So that then, he might call you and find that you are NOT home.
He will then wonder what you are up to.
Don't worry about upsetting him, it will do him some good to wonder about you for a change.
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