| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I know the type of answers I'll get for this question. "A relationship can't work without trust". But I guess I need to know whether I'm being paranoid or rightfully concerned. In any case, here it goes:Before I met my boyfriend he had a big crush on one of his classmates at uni. She was always going like "no... I don't know... maybe so she enjoyed the attention and was flirty but never reciprocated. so when we started dating she started flirting more aggressively. It made me uncomfortable, but since we didn't have any problems I brushed it off.However, when my past "surfaced" he had some of those jealousy issues so common with men. But the problem is he's also very vindictive, a "tit for tat" kinda person. So in the light of this, he started making me jealous by talking to that girl a lot. It made me really uncofmortable, I had stopped talking to guys who made him uncomfortable so he said it was only fair he stopped talking to her.However, we had a big problem once because of the strain his jealousy put and he asked me not to contact him for an indefinite period of time (he was busy finishing his semester at uni, so he was also very stressed). One day his mom called me to ask about him 'cause he hadn't spent the night at his house and she hadn't heard from him since he day before. I called him and he told me he had stayed at one of his male classmates house working on a paper.A few days after that he apologized and everything was good again. Then a couple days after that he told me he had to come clean about something. He said on that night he spent at his friend's, he took a couple hours off around midnight to go to that other girl's house and help her with a paper because she had asked him to.I was really hurt. He apologized and assured me he only helped her with the paper, and also that he had lied to his friend about going there, and had instead told him that he had gone to his own house to finish another report.A few days later he told me he told his male friends the truth and that they all told him something like "Dude, your girlfriend is way hotter than [other girl's name]". I didn't make anything of that back then, but now it raises a red flag, along with the fact he lied to them so it can't have been something good (he said he lied to his friends 'cause he was embarrassed). I wonder if he cheated on me? Also some friends of mine saw him at a bar being "cozy" with some other girl (not the same I wrote about above). I gave him the benefit of the doubt 'cause my friends only saw them cuddling and not kissing or anything, and he also denies it and says my friends were over dramatic about it.Then again someone gave me a tarot reading and it said that he had betrayed me like 5 times. I've never believed in such things, I'm really skeptic but, you know...Sorry about the length, the thing is, do you think he cheated? Or that he might be the type to cheat? He's always very paranoid that I'm cheating, maybe he's just insecure? He also keeps denying that anything happened, I don't know what to do anymore, it's eating me up.Thanks.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 December 2012):
 He lied. that's cheating in my book.
telling after the fact due to guilt or being afraid of being caught is not the same thing as telling before hand.
there is an old saying "it's easier to seek forgiveness than it is to get permission" and it's true.
Personally in my book cheating is ANYTHING you can't won't or don't tell your partner. By my definition he cheated.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (19 December 2012):
 I dont think anyone but him can tell you whether he cheated or not, and he has already lied to you so chances are he will never tell you what really happened. It is VERY suspicious that he spent the night at another woman's house who he had feelings for in the past. Either way when you are in a relationship that is not acceptable, regardless of what happened when he was at her house. He shouldnt have been there in the first place, full stop.
It is widely known that people who are overly jealous and accuse their partners of cheating are often the ones who are cheating themselves, and are afraid that their partnr is doing the same thing back to them.
I think you are never going to get an honest answer about what happened that night, so you are going to have to put it aside and look at the evidence you do have confirmed:
1. He is a vindictive person. That is not a good start in itself, he is trying to hurt you over something you did in the past before you even knew him - that is really pathetic. So here you are, dating a pathetic, vindictive man and you have to consider is that really the sort of person you want to be with long term? Imagine if you have a fight in the future, you simply wont know what he is going to do to 'get back at you' and you cant live life like that.
2. He deliberately does things to hurt you, like flirting with his former crush to make you jealous. That shows a complete lack of respect for you, and a very childish nature on his part. If he genuinely loved and cared for you he would never deliberately behave in a way that would hurt you, regardless of his own issues he wouldnt want to hurt you.
3. He has lied to you about his whereabouts. So you know 100% that he is a liar and cant be trusted. Therefore in future you are always going to doubt him when he tells you something, when he is out without you there will be doubt whether or not he has told you the truth. I know you didnt want to hear the 'a relationship doesnt work without trust' line, but he has destroyed the trust by lying and flirting with other women, and it will be a monumental task to rebuild that trust.
4. He has been seen by your friends (who are more trustworthy than your boyfriend!) getting cozy with another woman. Even if they were not kissing, cuddling other women is not ok, that is far too intimate to be when you are alone with another woman. He shouldnt have been alone with another woman anyway, he is in a relationship and shouldnt be getting 'cozy' with anyone but you!
So you have a vindictive, childish, lying, untrustworthy and flirtatous man on your hands. You have to question whether this is the sort of person you want to be with long term, and whether you think he is able to change all of this bad behaviours and learn to be a decent boyfriend. You are not being paranoid at all here, he has done some pretty terrible things in your relationship and these are NOT ok. You shouldnt put up with this behaviour, you should expect a whole lot more from a relationship.
Have a good long think about your relationship and whether you will be able to trust him again, and if ultimately he is the kind of person you want to be with.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 December 2012):
Sorry, but it sounds likely he has cheated, maybe more than once. Seen cuddling with another girl doesn't mean he slept with her but it clls his honesty and loyalty into question.
As for the other girl it's just too big of a coincidence that he spent the night at his friends and happened to go see the girl that night. Even if he didn't screw around he did something wrong by going to see her in the first place.
If my girl did that I wouldn't be able to trust her and depending on our history I'd probably say goodbye.
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