A
female
age
41-50,
*rincessplump
writes:I've just started dating a guy that I've known for about 5 years. I've been mates with his older brother and a family friend for approx 10 years. I'm 2 years older than him, and although I initially had an issue with this I've allowed him to take the lead. However things are financially difficult for him at the moment being that he was recently made redundant. Basically he's unable to take me out, and if we do go anywhere I'm usually stuck driving as he doesn't have a car- I prefer to be in the passenger seat. His calls aren't long because of cost- which frustrates me. I do like him, and I know that he's looking for a serious relationship as am I, but I find it difficult to lower my standards. He keeps asking me questions surrounding my readiness to be in a committed relationship, but I just withdraw. I expressed some things that I'm not used to not receiving, and I can sense that I've probably emasculated somewhat as he gets quite defensive. We are from backgrounds where the man takes care of his woman' needs in more ways than one, so this situation is uncomfortable for me. I fear that I'm sounding so petty but what I'm scared of is that I may grant him exemptions of not being able to give me what I want now. And if I commit he may think that he still doesn't have to meet my needs / expectations because I've settled for less during dating. I just don't know what I should do as I really want this to be a successful relationship. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Who  +, writes (6 May 2009):
 I try my best and I’m glad to hear that is sometimes all right.
“To make matters worst, the few times we have been intimate I've bleed unexpectedly. Initially he accused me of being on my cycle, however when it happened again he rationalized and grew concerned. Now like I said, I don't bed hop, and this is the first time something like this has happened to me with a sexual partner. I'm totally freaked, but I think he is too but not commented other than to say 'I can't stand the sight of blood.' “
Feel I must comment on this. HE made YOU bleed. Unintentionally of course, but he still did it. A gentleman should have a better reaction than 'I can't stand the sight of blood.' Hopefully your doctor and you figure this out, and it won’t come up again. If this is the worst thing he does, it’s not so bad.
“He's noted the changes and asked me what's wrong on numerous occasions…”
OK he is doing this part right. I can suggest taking him at his world and telling him what you feel is wrong. You can keep it short and to the point and I don’t think he can claim you are talking only about you. Something like: “I am uneasy not knowing where our relationship is going. You are the man and you are driving, you should know where you are driving to. I’m OK with going slow but not OK with not going anywhere or wandering aimlessly. Please decide where you think we should go and how long you think it will take to get there. I can then decide if I’m coming with you or not.”
If you are having trouble talking to him about these things, try writing him a note. My wife used to do that the first few years we were dating. Again, it can be short and to the point. Give him a little time to think about the note and let him come back to you with answers.
“Please watch this space for a further update.”
I will, and good luck.
A
female
reader, princessplump +, writes (6 May 2009):
princessplump is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Counsellor 'who', just to say again I thank you so much from the deepest part of my heart for your brilliant advice. The 'letting him drive' worked a treat- after he got over the initial shock of backing up into a parked car when doing a U-turn just 5mins after driving it!!! lol
I honestly couldn't think of ways to tell him what I wanted from him without sounding overly expectant; so I began to 'show' him instead. (i.e, cleaning, washing, lots of support etc). The joke is I haven't actually verbalized anything to him so I've steadily been growing resentment that he gets his cake and eats it. However, I have since withdrawn to contemplate my next step; in which your sound advice has arrived on point.
As for the 'whole commitment thing' I'm straight up perplexed by his actions and words not fully connecting. He makes certain to introduce me to EVERY one of his mates that attends his place when I'm there. His best mate said that he talks about me allday, everyday. His elder sister is aware that we are in a relationship as he's made that quite apparent to her . His elder brother who I'm mates with says that he's besotted with me and says that he talks about me all the time saying stuff like I've shown him more care and attention than any other girlfriend he's had and I'm a really good woman. However he's never said anything like this to me directly. What I do get fed however is this line of 'were taking it slow and seeing where it will go'. Maybe I should adhere to the old skool by looking at his actions rather than listening to his words solely, but I just don't get it?!
To make matters worst, the few times we have been intimate I've bleed unexpectedly. Initially he accused me of being on my cycle, however when it happened again he rationalized and grew concerned. Now like I said, I don't bed hop, and this is the first time something like this has happened to me with a sexual partner. I'm totally freaked, but I think he is too but not commented other than to say 'I can't stand the sight of blood.' However I've noted that he's not initiated sex since the last time it occurred. I have booked to see a gynecologist but I just feel this situation has created further distance between us.
The way I have been emotionally has lead me to become quite introverted which is a far cry from my usual bubbly persona. He's noted the changes and asked me what's wrong on numerous occasions but once again- where do I begin without sounding like I'm screaming from the roof tops...ME ME ME :(
His brother who knows me well has tried to empathize with me and offer his shoulder. However as they have a bit of sibling rivalry going on, and he flat out doesn't trust his brother it's quite difficult to ask his brother to act as a mediator.
I did take the liberty oneday and asked his brother (in his presence- but on the phone) if he thought their mother would like me. First of all culturally it's important to gain the in-laws respect and love so I was indirectly saying to him that I see a future for us. His brother answered enthusiastically and said 'our mother would love you so much' at which point I noted him listening intensively to our conversation. He himself said this to me on a previous occasion, and has opened up about alot of personal stuff, so I just don't get the 'were taking it slow and seeing where it will go'
Please watch this space for a further update.
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A
male
reader, Who +, writes (26 April 2009):
Oh, and one last thing. Don't tease him. When he meets your expectations, you meet his.
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A
male
reader, Who +, writes (26 April 2009):
“How do I express my needs at this point without sounding condescending?”Start by telling him what YOU want to bring to the relationship. Do you think the woman should keep the house, shop, cook? Keep the couple in an active social life? Whatever you are planning to contribute, tell him and see how much he values it. Ask him what else he would like from you in a committed relationship. Hopefully you two can agree on these, and agree that is relationship is a two way street. Each partner contributes what the other values, but each contributes different things. Then you can tell him your expectations from him, and how much you value them. You might want to phase it in terms of “security” and “protection from worry.” Tell him you are not good with meeting financial needs and you need a man who is.“I know that he's currently job seeking, but I don't really feel he's been as active as he could be in this area.”Men will do outrageous things if they think it will get them…Well, you know. “…but now I've become intimate with him. I wouldn't usually do this without knowing I'm in a committed relationship.”Tell him this, especially the part about usually not doing it without a committed relationship. Tell him you really like your intimate time together, you really enjoyed what he did and could do, and you have been fondly dreaming about it. Nothing will be more non-emasculating than this. BUT you can’t be intimate again without the committed relationship, and you can’t commit until he has a (decent) job.After that, step back a bit and wait. He will think about for a while, then I’ll bet you a pound to a doughnut he will be the most active job seeker you ever done saw.
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A
female
reader, princessplump +, writes (26 April 2009):
princessplump is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, I just wanted to say thanks so much for your sound advice. I really didn't think of doing such a simple thing like making him drive my car instead!lol I was planning to take it slow, but now I've become intimate with him. I wouldn't usually do this without knowing I'm in a committed relationship. To be honest many have tried and achieved nothing. At first I felt really uncomfortable doing this as Ive been sexually inactive for over a year, so I do like him enough to want to commit, as we have a good friendship as a foundation and he meets all my other needs/expectations. He says that he still respects me a great deal, and this is apparent in his behaviour (quite a gentleman). I know that he's currently job seeking, but I don't really feel he's been as active as he could be in this area. How do I express my needs at this point without sounding condescending? I reckon that if things were better for him financially I'd probably get more of what I want, but for now I really don't know if my expectations are unfair/ overly materialistic given that I'm happy with every other aspect of our relationship?
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A
male
reader, Who +, writes (24 April 2009):
“I really want this to be a successful relationship….However things are financially difficult for him at the moment being that he was recently made redundant”
This seems to be your only sticking point, correct? If so, any idea how long until he is financially back on his feet? Can you wait that long? Can he?
“He keeps asking me questions surrounding my readiness to be in a committed relationship, but I just withdraw.”
Tell him straight out, you can be ready to commit when he is back on his feet. Until then you can either keep dating casually (have him drive your car?) Or you can stop seeing each other.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (24 April 2009):
 I think that you are over thinking this. You are just dating. You don't owe it to him to make any commitments if you aren't ready, and it sure sounds like you aren't ready. Dating is about trying each other on and seeing if you fit.
It sounds like you are more different than alike and that you BOTH are having problems with the differences. I'd move on. Having a lasting relationship is about growing together and BOTH of you are looking into the SAME future and having similar expectations.
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