A
female
age
30-35,
*lackHeart24
writes:Dear Cupid, I know it's been awhile since I last wrote and a lot has happened in that time I'm with someone new for starters and we've been together for a year with no breaking up or taking a break. I know I've said it before but with this one he's the complete definition of finding the one without looking for it and he found me on a whim. The only real advice I need with him is this. He's currently going through the enlistment process for the U.S. Air Force and we've talked about getting married about 8 months into our relationship, he's asked me before he gets the confirmation of him leaving for basic training if we can not only get married but try for a baby before he leaves. He's talked about wanting to have a family and have me as his wife and I want the same thing but my main fear is having my first time (we're both virgins) along with being pregnant and having our first baby while he's away. What should I do?
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 Slow down! This is all too quick! Why the hurry? Spend some time together for a year or two before considering kids. It's early days in your relationship.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2014):
 I had this long post written out on the subject and the site ate it.. so this will be a shorter version.
1. getting married is not a bad idea overall, but WHY the big hurry? He will be gone for a good 3-8 months in basic training and then tech training before even getting slotted for a post/base. Without being married YOU can't live ON post/base with him and HE can't live OFF post/base with you either - especially not til he hits the rank of Sgt. Though some branches and units have different regulations, but over all those have been the rules (at least in the Army)
2. In the case he DOESN'T make it through basic training - fails and/or get hurt - these dreams are over and then what? You will be young married with a baby on the way. NOT smart at all.
3. WAIT with the baby stuff for a few years. YOU are BOTH young and will have PLENTY of time to add a baby. With HIM joining the Air Force you BOTH have some rather FANTASTIC opportunities to see the world. And WHY NOT? It is much easier to DO so without having babies to juggle too.
4. Living the "military lifestyle" is NOT for everyone. It's hard on relationships and friendships. Packing up and moving every few years is hard. ADD on a baby or two? EVEN harder. YOU won't HAVE your safety net of family and friends right around the corner. They can be a world away.
5. YOU have ONLY been together a year - 12 months!
6. Let's say you get lucky and gets stationed overseas. YOU might want to have a job so you have an income and GET out of the house, but with a small child that can be hard. Because now you ALSO have to find someone to WATCH your child or get a spot in daycare, which isn't exactly free either. So you will be living overseas, but be too tired to SEE ANYTHING because you're trying to juggle work, house and chores PLUS a baby (your husband will be fairly busy with work, which means YOU will be pulling the full load).
WHAT is the hurry in adding a child? Isn't marriage a huge enough step to start out with? Then he wants to add the STRESS of a military career AND a baby? and you are BARELY out of your teens?
SLOW down, sister.
Marriage is NOT a sprint. It's not a instant cup of family- just add water!
WAIT a few years with the kiddos. ENJOY each other and GET to know each other better. You will see WHOLE new sides to him once he joins up. (trust me on that) but you will also FIND new sides to YOURSELF.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 I'll be the naysayer- what's your rush ? You are not going to live together anyway for now - and you are very young and you've got plenty of time. Why don't you just wait to get married when he has finished his training and he gets assigned to his base , or however it works in U.S. Airforce ? i.e. when you can be reunited ,or at least live closer to where he is going to be when not in active service.
If it's a religious thing , like you won't have sex until you are married, well, I get that , he wants to be able to have sex when he's home on leave. So , go for the wedding . But a baby ? Why would you voluntarily choose to go through pregnancy and childbirth all on your own, at such a young age, if you really don't HAVE to ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): Sorry, but I question his motives for wanting to try for a baby.
I suspect he might want to get you pregnant to ensure that no other guy will steal you away from him while he's gone.
If he really wants to have a family with you then he should be willing to wait until he can be a full-time father.
Don't let him rush you into marriage or pregnancy to suit his selfish whims.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): I'm all for getting married, but why can't you wait to try for a baby after he comes back??? I don't know you, obviously, but maybe it would be good to be together for a while longer before adding a child to your relationship. And finances could be a huge struggle at your age, too.
I do understand that if you don't believe in using contraception, there is a chance you might get pregnant, but to me that is very different than actively trying for a baby (i.e., intentionally having sex right before you ovulate).
If you want to get married and have sex but DON'T want a baby yet, you can use the fertility awareness method to time intercourse to be outside of your fertile period.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 I believe they get 10 days of paternity leave. He can sign up for more but it is up to his boss' agreement. If you are asking if you should go ahead with the marriage and having a baby remember that there are always naysayers as well as supporters. The decision is yours. It's about your ability to only see your spouse for a limited time. If your love is strong, you are self sufficient and have family support I would say why not. He sounds very confident about his career, and being in the military sounds like a stable job with good pay but one should always have a skeptic mind and have the logistics all planned out first. He should also have a plan B if one day he doesn't want to continue his job anymore.
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