A
female
age
51-59,
*ugarbear101
writes:This is the 2nd marriage for both my husband and I. Last year, I discovered emails he sent to a female he met at a ticket counter in which he described how he missed his ex and would still die for her. When confronted he said we were going through a rough patch and he reacted stupidly. Recently, I found out he's been in touch with an ex-girlfriend whom he knew since he was 10 but had an affair with in his 20's (she was married). When I confronted him he confessed to the emails but said they were platonic and that he just wanted to update her on how happy he is and how great his life with me and the kids are. Later, I learned that he actually phoned her and talked for over an hour on his cell phone. He also changed his voicemail message to sound more alluring. He again regrets his actions, claimed he was innocent and doesn't plan to ever talk to her again (yeah but he said this when I found out about the emails). I'm devastated as I don't feel I'm enough for him. What should I do? I've talked to our Pastor (he did too) who advised we keep talking and being very open about things and that he shouldn't talk to ex gf/wife or give out number to new female friends. I don't want to police him either. I suggested time apart he's balking because of kids and his 'undying' love for me! HELP!!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2009):
 Good Job! I love it when people don't just give up or "suffer" in silence! I'm glad he got his eyes opened and hopefully he will act like a grown up.
A
female
reader, Sugarbear101 +, writes (13 July 2009):
Sugarbear101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSooo....I called our Pastor whom I respect because she's been married forever and openly admits hurdles they've had to overcome. Pastor had her husband come along and the four of us sat down and boy did they let him have it. Later, hubby admitted that this was the first time in his life where he had to be accountable for his selfish behavior. Last marriage he said they just 'did their own thing' but with me and the kids he feels like he's being pushed to be a better person and man. We both feel like this experience benefited our marriage because trust is earned and while we shouldn't 'police' one another at least we know there is nothing to hide from your mate. Now, we've been really open and talkative. Taking a short weekend trip (with kids) to a water park this weekend. He and I plan to 'sneak' off for some fun in the ocean! THANKS ALL!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 July 2009):
I agree with Celia here. He is not sorry for contacting them, he is sorry for getting caught.
However the two of you need to talk about limitations, values and what you both find is "right & wrong" behavior.
The fact is, your guy thinks that as long as you don't know it can't hurt you ( and him) - that it is ok. He needs to LEARN now and hopefully understand that, that just isn't the fact.
WHY does he have a need to talk to old "flames" ? To see where they are in life? What they have been up to? WHY? I don't get it. Yes they were once a part of his life and it is perfectly normal that they once in a blue moon will pop into his head and he will think I wonder how she is doing and so forth, BUT.. starting to contact ex's out of the "little black book" is suspect. Though, some people are more social and like to keep taps on/ stay in touch with as many people as possible. I think if it is platonic that you really don't have to worry. BUT if he starts to "cycle" try the ex's to "check" up on them, I would worry.
You, on the other hand need to stop snooping. I don't say it because I think it's wrong, but because I know from experience that it hurt you WAY more then him, feeling a need to watch over his shoulder, to snoop. IT IS NOT your job to keep him in the straight and narrow, THAT Honey, is HIS job, his OBLIGATION.
You can not rebuild trust if you constantly is looking for flaws and faults ( e-mail, texts and phone calls.) I know they were warranted but again, they will hurt you more then him. You don't want to be his mother - You are his wife. He should be responsible for HIS actions.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (8 July 2009):
 I feel so sad for you, people who cheat seldom change and e-mail and text messaging have made it so easy for people to start illicit affairs covertly.
He says he doesn't plan to contact her, but what if she contacts him?
I think you need to sit him down, maybe sometime when the kids are not at home, and you need to ask him exactly what he wants. Ask him if he is willing to give you her number so that you can call her and tell her to keep away from him. If he defends her, then I would say he has no intention to end things. If he gets defensive at all about being questioned over the matter, then again, he is probably not going to give it up.
Men can be very determined to get what they want and they do not feel emotion on the same levels as women, it's usually more about them and what they want rather than accepting responsibility for how it can affect the whole family.
If he gives you signals that make you continue to mistrust him, it's probably better to think about quitting. Better that than living a lie.
I truly hope you find a ways through and wish you all the best.
Aunty Em xxx
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