A
female
age
41-50,
*harliew21
writes:I am worried that my boyfriend may have cheated or be planning on cheating on me.I have been with my fiance for nearly 5 years and we have just bought our first house together in october.I had noticed that he was sending totally innocent messages to some girls on a social networking site and i was a bit annoyed but i coped with it and never mentioned it to him.This morning i clicked on his email beacuse i needed to see if someone had emailed him and i noticed that there were emails from a se x website.I know it is snooping on his privacy and i am totally ashamed of myself and now i wish i hadn't doen it but i have found that he has signed up to 3 websites where you can get in touch with people in you area.So far i have worked out that he has paid £40 and yet he said we can't afford to buy christmas presents for each other???I logged onto these websites with his details and i can see that he has emailed 20+ women saying he is bored with his relationship and wants to meet up with other people.I am worried and angry and want to confront him but i don't know what to do.He has started spending a lot of time on the computer while i sit downstairs alone watching tv.at first i thought nothing of it, i thought he was being nice by letting me watch my programmes but now i am not so sure.I am not sure whether to confront him or not because if i do he will know i have snooped. But surely he is being unfaithful?I also have a feeling he has beenringing chat lines and other womens mobiles.Please someone help.
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female
reader, kirsty_29  +, writes (23 December 2007):
 Oh man,Okay, who cares if you snooped, don't let that bother you for a second, you had a feeling and you went with it...Thank god you did, I would be in agreement by saying you should sit down with him. Yep, he'll know you snooped, but SO what! If he's angry it's because he was caught.Honesty is best, and he needs to come clean to you. It sounds as if he is working his way up to the unfaithful stage or at least having thoughts of it. By saying he's bored with his relationship and wanting to meet up with people, yeah that's the start. I think you should confront him, he doesn't need that kind of privacy. Don't you dare for another second feel ashamed that you looked. At least now you know what he's been getting up to.Well, the trust will certainly be broken in two now, I feel for you luv, personally I think you deserve better than that, and I'm not sure what sort of answer you'll get out of him after talking to him, it's a start anyhow if you decide to. I suppose you'll make a decision, you know yourself best. Take Care and good luck.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 December 2007):
 He seems to want to marry you, but I wonder if it would be a good idea to marry him.
Where I live, a famous boxer used to tell every girl he met how much he hated his partner, how little she understood him, how boring their life together was, et cetera. He never forgot to say that they were together "because of the kid". He even appeared on national TV saying he would marry a certain girl. BUT... he married the partner he said all these mean things about. His explanation was that he wanted some "action" before marriage, so he had lied to all those girls, who had never really been a serious interest, only "squeezes". His one and only love had always been the "fat and boring woman who gave birth to his child", as he had described her.
By the way, his marriage with Fat and Boring was on the papers and on national TV.
I think this is the case here.
No man sends this sort of messages because he is only looking for friends. He wants flings with other women. He is not letting you have your own space; he is simply having his.
I'm not sure whether he will change his ways. I don't want to be pessimistic, but, I don't think so. I would think twice.
I believe you need to discuss the subject with him, anyways. You need information if you want to make a decision. I think you can talk to us if you need more help.
Also, I need to say that when a loving person like you begins to snoop, there is usually a very good reason. And it turns out you have a hell of a reason here.
Birdy, you should have more martinis. I am absolutely in agreement with your advice. I would add you to my friends list a hundred times if it were possible. I think you very much deserve that little heart next to your nickname.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (22 December 2007):
 I think that I would take a very sharp object and cut the wires to the computer.
He will have to have them replaced and that should give him "time to reflect" and a big hint and clue on what will happen if you find messages like that on his computer again. If he wants to go on his computer for the entire evening, simply yelling, "What in the fuck are you doing an that fucking computer all night?" every ten to fifteen minutes until he gets off is usually quite effective. Also bursting into the room after walking up on tip-toes gets a great reaction.
I know that this sounds really bitchy, but if you own a home together and you are his fiancee, you have a right to an explanation in this matter. I wouldn't use a baseball bat on the computer unless he is unreasonable. I probably shouldn't answer questions after a martini...
BUT seriously. Sending totally innocent messages to other girls online? Girl! Where is your backbone? Sending messages to any other girl but you is wrong. WHY did you decide that they were innocent? Did you lie to yourself and say well, they really were innocent sounding, so I guess the fact that HE SENT THEM in the first place doesn't really matter here... COME ON!!!!! You need to stand up and put your foot down. Do it before you have kids with this man. Find out if he will change his stupid, insulting habits and be a partner before you have children together.
It's not innocent, and you should consider this matter to be serious enough to leave him over.
Don't worry about snooping, Wait until you are raising pre-teens... Consider it training. Hope this was of some help. Sorry if it was a bit strong, but so was the martini.
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