A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been dating a older man for almost 3 years now. im 21 and he's 44. Get ready i could tell stories all day of all the s^^t iv'e been thru with and because him. I love him very much still but not as in love with him as i was before. im starting to have a few issues with him, for example i have a few people telling me he's controlling me. i agree and dis agree because he does stop me from doing things but thats because i allow it hes never been force full with me. but thigs got worse the other day ive been unemployed for a while now and hes been patient paying for things for me im very thankfull when he does that, ive tried getting a job but not very hard, well the other day he says no sex untill i get a job, (rarely get it as it is). he wont stop with the job thing he askes me more than mutiple times a day if i got a job abut it, im fu***** sick of it, ive been applying places and noo luck so far, he wont buy me smokes any more wich im know its not hes resposibility to support my smoking habbit, he just ransomly said he wont, makes no sence when he just got a 9k check from disability.He allways has bought me smokes when i dont have money. its not like i havent paid his insturanc, phone bill, gas, smokes, coffee, i do have money just not much communng in im and artist and dont have steady money so somethimes for months i have no money omming in. I got p^^^^ when i had $210 and i said i'll buy us smokes for a while, cuz he bought me them for a wile, i said ill i want outta that money was qtips and nailpolih remover, not one f^^^^g dime was spent on 2 simple things you can get from the dollar store. point of the matter is it wrong for him to give me ultimatums for not having a job, when i have been looking. problem #2 he got pissy with me today and wouldent come see me like he said he would because i was later than we BOTH figured id be at the gym, says to me i figured youd be home at 5:15 and making dinner, like i got home at 6, hes never came to see me hes got issues with my sister and by best friend, my sister wrote him a nasty letter (a loooooong time ago)saying to leave me alone and that hes a creep ect. she appoligised delivered him a coffee one day and she even invted us to her house(5 hours awwy)every time shes down to visit he drops me off at home and refuses to see me and barely talkes to me when my sister is down. IS it a good idea to act how he does for example when his neice is around, i hate the girl she snarles at me, dirty looks and refuses to acknowledge the fact that im in the same room or let me join in the conversation and weve never said 2 words to eachother. if i could punch her out i would, should i have a hissy fit like he does to me and tell him i wont be around his neice cuz he wont be around my sister? then my bff her boyfriends uncle started this rumor that my bf was seen at the coffee shop making out with a blond. i have a hard time believing that one because 1st the guy has known my bf for a long time and roumour around the coffee shop is he hates my bf, 2nd hes not stupid enough to bring a blonde to make out with to the coffee shop we hang out at a lot with 2 people working there i talk to, well over this ordeal he hates my bff when all she did was tell me what she heard. its gotten so bad he wont even pick me up from the gym if i go with her there.the list goes on with problems, but i guess those are my main concers right now.confusused and tired thanks!
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best friend, money, older man, smokes Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): It's wrong of you to be using this guy for his money and not getting a job on your own.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 June 2013):
 Just because he got a 9k check does not mean he can afford things. Perhaps he's in arrears on his mortgage and the money is already earmarked for something.
I'm very bad at money management and my husband keeps telling me "just because we have money in the bank does not mean we can spend it" Perhaps your 44 yr old man knows that his 9k disability payment is already needed for food, clothing, shelter, transportation and/or medical care. After all it is a DISABILITY payment.
I sense that you two do not live together, in which case him buying you ANYTHING is his choice and I too would be annoyed at having to buy cigarettes for someone who did not work who EXPECTED it of me.
You say you have tried getting a job…. DEFINE try for me. My husband lost his job in January of 2011. We could afford it and need him at home full time for a bit so his job hunting was halfhearted. Finally I started saying to him that I didn’t MIND him being a house husband but that I was getting nervous at his not finding a job after 7 months. Well he intensified his search a bit with head hunters and such and within a few weeks found a palatable job. He could say to unemployment over the time that he was looking but to be honest his LOOKING was NOT adequate IMO for someone who was REALLY looking.
IF you are TRULY looking for a job you should be getting up at an early hour, hitting the papers and the computer DAILY and touching base with multiple head hunters etc DAILY. I would expect no fewer than 5-15 job prospects per week from someone actively looking for a job. If you say I go on 2 interviews a week and you have been out of work for more than 2 months I would NOT deem that ACTIVELY looking.
SEX should never be used as a punishment…him saying “no more sex till you find a job” is parental and childish all at the same time. IT shows his feelings of helplessness at getting you to step up and own your responsibilities. Not saying you are the bad guy or he is the bad guy… perhaps the relationship is not what you both want or need it to be.
IF he chooses not to be around your sister because she voiced her opinion of him, that’s his choice and his right. You have to choose if you want to be with a man who will not be near your family. YOU have the right to choose not to be near his. I will tell you that it makes it very hard to have a serious relationship with someone who won’t be around people you are related to that you want to be around. Holidays will be hard, as will special events. Think long and hard about how you want to proceed in a relationship with a man who does not tolerate your family and who’s family does not like you.
So in your perfect world you would
Smoke on this disabled man’s dime
Have him tolerate your sister that was rude to him
PUNCH out his niece who is rude to you
NOT work (you said you are not looking very hard)
NONE of your concerns are the issue to be honest… so what’s your real issue?
is it:
how do I get him to buy me smokes?
how do i get him to tolerate my rude sister?
how do I get his rude niece to behave?
how do I get my bff to be loved after she created drama?
WHAT help exactly do you want?
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A
female
reader, wavesearcher +, writes (7 June 2013):
woahhh holy! That's a lot of stuff in one go..
It doesn't sound like it's working... And if you're not even getting sex and he's not sexy and being a dad... LEAVE.
My god get a job at starbucks and move in with a friend!
Then find a nice guy. And smoke if you like that's your decision to quit. You would save a lot of money though if you quit...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): Wow, what a lot of chaos. I think you will be happier if you find a more peaceful guy to be with. Somebody more mature and accepting. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (6 June 2013):
If you have a home you can go back to then go there. Go back to school and get yourself a job so you can be independent and then meet a guy you can and be on equal terms with. This guy is using you and it going nowhere. The longer you put off doing something the harder it will be. If there isn't a family home then find a sister, cousin, or friend, but first and foremost you need the confidence to stand on your own feet. And quit smoking.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 June 2013):
 Your submittal "reads" more like a dispute between a hooker and her John, rather than two adults who have some sort of "relationship" and some sort of "problem."
I suggest that the two of you go your separate ways, with THESE intentions:
HIM: To find a woman more of his age-group, and one who is more a socio-economic, educational, cultural equal... and,
YOU: To start or complete your "growing up" process, in the hope that you will emerge as an "adult" before too long....
That's the key to the two of you finding some sort of happiness....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): He's not your father, he doesn't have to buy you anything least of all cigarettes. You are in a very dysfunctional relationship. Get a job, save some money and move out. Gain some independence and learn to take care of yourself as an adult. Artists typically earn almost nothing, at least at first, and have to find other jobs to support themselves.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (6 June 2013):
 A non-controlling guy wouldn't try to stop you from doing things in the first place. This is not a good relationship. There's a lot of drama and your sister was right when she said he was a creep. Get away from him and live your life the way you want to. You don't need his input.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): Goodness gracious. That man is old enough for YOU to be his daughter. And you are behaving like a child and he is treating you like one. The man has issues and many would consider him quite the pervert to be hooking up with someone so young. And you are now realizing you are dealing with a grown adult who has lived a good part of his life, btdt, and you have a long way to go.He is right, you do need to get a job. Your job is to get a job until you find one, if you are not going to further your education and get a really good job or have a career. You are 21 and you need to be able to support yourself and make something of yourself. Not sponge off others or think you are going to find yourself a sugar daddy who will take care of you. Stand on your own two feet. I suppose he can't ground you or tell you you can't go out with your friends, so he is withholding sex...I mean what would an adult hold as a consequence to a young adult? Perhaps you could get your life and act together, make something of yourself and seek out a man who you have more things in common and closer to your age, instead of a man who is like a father figure that you are annoyed with because he won't give you the allowance you think you are entitled to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013):
Go to school, stop smoking, get a job. EASY. You're heading for a very difficult life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 June 2013):
 Quit smoking and quit using your Sugar Daddy. There problem solved.
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