A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with a guy for 5.5 years now. We are both 21 right now. we dated the first 2 years and then we broke up because of something one of my friends at the time told me he was doing. I later found out she lied. He said sorry many many many times and I didn't believe him. But after I found out SHE was lying I accepted his apology. He wanted to get back together but I said no. I don't know why but I was scared to go back in the relationship with him. So we started becoming what was "friends with benefits (FWB)" and no one knew. Also we kind of agreed that we wouldn't see each other, so technically it wasn't really only FWB. I don't what it is. So we have been FWB for about 3 years now. We have never had sex because I always say no. Last year he made some online profile and was talking to random girls online. I got upset and he said he wouldn't do it again. We been through a lot together. But lately he has been acting very strange. I like him so much. I have broken off FWB a couple of times in the last 3 years but i always end up going back to him b.c I miss him so much. So 2 days ago I found out he did the same thing with online profile again. I told him he admitted it but said it was like a 2 day thing and the girls were robots.. I broke it off with him and he didn't stop me but I ended up coming home and calling 47x =X and telling him I miss him. He said something like he doesn't feel comfortable being FWB because when he goes out with friends his friends want him to get with other women because they think that he is single. Technically he is but he is "committed" to me. He also says he wants me to be more sexual and said something like I make him feel "not sexually attractive". He also asked me to be his girlfriend again. I said I would think about it. The other problem is I do find it a little hard to trust him. I wasn't like this but I feel uncomfortable if he wants to go out partying or clubbing b.c i know he will be there with other girls. I also ask to see his phone when we hangout and he HATES THAT (at least he says so). Also my complaints are lately he has been acting odd towards me. He barely calls me or texts me. I have told him I like it when u do that stuff. and once in a blue moon he would call and text me to say I miss u. Just what I am trying to say is he used to do it ALOT before now its not as often as i like. He doesn't engage in much conversation with me like before either. I asked him and he said something like u get mad at everything I say. Which I don't see so I would disagree with him. He also hasn't said i love you to me in a very long time. And that could be my fault because ever since a year ago with the internet profile I haven't really said i love u to him. And he has told me that a million times u never tell me i love u. But i do love him but I don't understand why I don't say it to him. I used to say it all the time.I feel as though he doesn't like me anymore or care but than why would he ask me to be his girlfriend. I am not blaming him for everything saying he is an asshole or something b/c honestly i don't understand what's going on. He kind of also doesn't like to sit down and have serious talks about feelings too much, I don't know if that's just being a guy. I do want to be his girlfriend but than again I am scared about the future. I know I probably have issues too. And I want to fix them. I want him to be happy as well. I want to understand him and myself. I know I might sound like a psycho jealous clingy girl but I honestly wasn't like that and i don't wanna be anymore if that's who I have turned. I just don't know if should go back and try to fix than or I just don't know. I miss him a lot. He was like my best friend. We used to be able to talk about anything and everything. I kinda want him to show he cares about me but i am not sure if i am asking for too much. Please someone tell me your opinion on this... Thank you for reading everyone.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (28 July 2012):
 FWB without benefits is just friendship. He can be committed to being your friend and that's fine but you want him to commit to more than what it actually is. It's just friendship, and and he has every right to want to date people. He's probably been very confused and frustrated for the past 3.5 years and he's been very, very patient. If you want to be his girlfriend then you need to take that leap. Yes, it's scary but it's that or losing him.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 July 2012):
 What a loyal patient guy you have been in a relationship with. He is a gem. But his patience is now wearing thin.
And you have been in a relationship with him. But his interest has faded and now he wants to spread his wings.
Very Honorably he has let you know this.
And the trust faltered recently, when you believed someone else over him. That suggests to me that the trust and connection is not as strong as it ought to be in a committed relationship.
Trust is high in a good relationship.
Trust evapourates as the commitment wanes.
And his interest has waned.
A guy who is seriously interested finds ways to see you more often and contact you more often. Not less often.
Sadly I think you have to face that this guys has moved on emotionally and now wants you to recognise that you have to set him free.
If he comes back to you well and good. If he wants to start wooing you all over again.
But he has done his best.
And you care about him deeply.
But neither his best nor all your caring is enough.
He really does want to spread his wings
He knows how much he means to you. He does not want to hurt you. But as the man wants to move on it is best that you accept that.
And if you have lost confidence to date and meet others and socialize then there are some things you can do too.
1 Revamp your own wardrobe.
2. Get into going to the gym to feel fitter
3. Start walking a dog in the park (even if you have to borrow the dog) as it is a Great way to connect with other people.
4. Review your hair style and even consider a small colour change to you hair.
5. review your makeup and visit the beauty counter to get some tips.
6. join an interesting volunteer group where there are others in your age group to meet others
7. Arrange a couple of sessions for some Grief Counselling as you will be hurting from this change. You need some support, even if it is temporary.
8. Enroll in a local place to learn a new skill - especially a skill where there are likely to be guys in your age group
9. Arrange a short holiday to a nice place and a place you have not visited before to enjoy some new experiences
10. Invite some reliable and valued girl friends to lunch and let them know that you are now on the market. (Girls have brothers)
I know you asked about your lovely guy whose interest has waned. But it seems so obvious that he has moved on emotionally but that you are still coming to terms with that situation, that I thought I would give you some extra support to help you move on.
Don't try to change his mind. His mind is made up. Let him know you really care, even if you have to write a letter so he does not have to see you crying. But also wish him well in the future.
After all, we always want those who we love to be happy. Even if that love is expressed by being happy for your loved one. Despite that fact that you still love them. And accepting that we best express that love by accepting and respecting their decision, Even when we truly wish that they had not made that decision (to not see us any more.)
If he is ever ready to reconnect with you he will no doubt value the fact that you respected his decision even though you wished his decision had been different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012): I think you're in a messy on/off for years futile fake relationship with a guy it'll most likely never work with.
You talk about it at the very like you've been with him 5.5 years but you haven't, you were with him 2 and then single all the rest of the time.
OP FWB's means he's free and single and allowed to date other girls. If you want it exclusive you be his girlfriend you don't complain about not being able to trust a guy who has not done anything to betray you, he's still single, if he found another girl tomorrow that's his right and morally he would be doing nothing wrong and you'd have no right to complain.
If you want my opinion OP you're doing a dog in the manger here. You don't want him so you don't want him to be with anyone else. If you do want him then what's the problem? Just be his girlfriend, stop playing these games OP. Make up your mind for once but don't expect him to hang around forever while you "decide" what you want. He's been stupid enough to hang around for years, I would have left ages ago.
All relationships are a risk, no one know what will happen in the future but everyone has their limit OP and if he's smart then he's started to walk away from you. You want everything on your terms, you want to be friends with benefits but not all the benefits, you don't want him getting with other girls but you won't be with him either. Kind of cruel don't you think?
Make up your mind now, either take that risk or don't just remember that he will only put up with so much of this flaky nonsense before he gets some sense and finds a girl that actually does want to be with him and not just on her terms.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012): I am sorry but I don't blame him. From his point of view you have shown that you do not want to be with him, you like the attention, but you don't want the full committed relationship, and when you are acting this way people do get sick of waiting around for someone to figure out if they really want to be with them. The fact is that if you are a FWB, which if your not being sexual, all you are to each other are friends, then you have no reason to be upset about him having a dating profile up, or to expect him to be messaging you like you are his girlfriend, when every action and everything you have or have not been saying to him, is telling you don't want to be with him. If you don't want to lose him, then I suggest you go and get a cousellor to talk to so you can work out these problems you have, and tell him how you feel then show him. I understand that your scared about the future, we all are but you have to decide whether you believe this man is worth the risk, there are no guarantees in life, but you cannot expect him to wait around and not date anyone else forever until you decide whether or not you really want him, it is not fair on him. You have said yourself this girl lied to you about him, so he has done nothing to cause you to mistrust him, in fact you have proven to him that you do not trust him at all. Get yourself some therapy, for your own benefit and take some time to decide if you really want him. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (28 July 2012):
 How can you be FWBs if you aren't having sex? The only definition of FWBs that I know is two people who agree to have sex, but have no other components of a good relationship/friendship.
Let me get this straight. So, at some point some girl announces that she is sleeping with your boyfriend? It ends up this isn't true and she was lying. He apologizes even though he doesn't have to. What's the problem? Am I missing something?
I think you need to take a step back and look at some of the insecurity issues you have. If you keep questioning him like this, keep having to look at his phone, and just generally being suspiscious, he is going to grow tired of it and move on. If you want this guy, you'd better start showing him that you need him in your life instead of pushing him away with all of your snooping and accusations. Make a conscientious effort to BE HAPPIER instead of just paying it lip service. Trust him until he gives you reason not to.
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