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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Me and this man have been dating for 6 months, but we have been having alot of arguments the past 3 months it's almost a weekly thing. I do like him but i don't want to make it as an official 'relationship' till i make sure he's the right man, although he wants to be with me and even told me that he wants an engagement with me. So basically, we have alot of differences, he's a strict Catholic and comes from a middle class family and im an atheist and my parents are pretty wealthy. We have had alot of problems because of this, he would confront the way I dress, my lifestyle etc, sometimes i would think he's a manipulative person, and says that i need to set my 'pride and stubbornness' aside so we both can have an official relationship. I told him that I need to get to know him more so i can see if he's the right person or not, but he's convinced that 'i do love him but i might also have mixed feelings about it'. I had a huge argument with him days ago about him bringing up the topic that we should be together and that 'he would never forgive me if i don't end up his wife because he loves me so much and can't imagine his life without me' i told him that we need to take things slowly, but he kept talking to me about 'his future plans if i was with him' i got mad and told him that he talks about me as if im actually his wife and that he keeps pushing this topic into our conversations all the time since he talks alot about it , he also got mad but i ended up leaving the restaurant and he followed me till my car, he was saying that he was sorry for acting like that and that 'he just loves me and wants to be really with me' i kept telling him that he should just control himself and take things slowly and i told him that every time he talks about 'future marriage plans' it turns me off and takes him a step back away from me, he wanted to say something and got out of the car and i noticed that he was tearing up, he got inside the car and i saw those tears in his eyes, i felt bad but at the same time I wasn't sure if he is just being manipulative to make me feel sad for him or was he genuinely tearing. We both have flaws and he can be a very sweet person but to the point of being clingy and overprotective which I hate, and i talked to him about it and told him that we've been having alot of arguments that it makes me sick and tired but he would always say 'that's because i love you alot and im sure we will get through this and fix it'. Will someone please tell me if he's being genuine or manipulative? Can this be fixed or should i just leave him?
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (12 August 2019):
 So you’ve spent half the time you know each other arguing? Does that really sound promising? I’ve been with my GF close to 2 years and we’ve never had more than a slight disagreement up to yet. What you have isn’t normal it shows that you have MAJORLY clashing personalities.
He’s trying to tell you how to dress? That is CONTROLLING. You dress for yourself, he has no say in it whatsoever, he should keep comments like that to himself as his opinion is irrelevant.
There’s too many differences here and I see no viable relationship coming from this. If he is already annoying you in the supposed honeymoon period then this relationship has no chance.
Wish him all the best for the future and move on with your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2019): What this guy is doing is a very common tactic amongst abusive men. They try to railroad you into marriage/children. They want to tie you down so they can better control you. Once you are dependent on him, he will have more control.
This kind of disregard for YOUR feelings about marriage and commitment with him, is a very large red flag indeed.
Manipulation is at the core of his behaviour and his crocodile tears. They almost worked didn't they? Happily you are too wise about this kind of behaviour and your suspicions are absolutely bang on the money.
I have been where you are now. All the 'I can't live without you' and in my case one of the lines was, 'I don't think I'll ever enjoy anything ever again, if I am without you'.
All this over the top stuff is something to be aware of and realise that, yes, it is manipulation. And yes, my relationship with my abusive ex was a nightmare, which included threats on my life, choking, verbal and emotional abuse and mental cruelty. He also mentioned marriage very soon into the relationship. You've only been together for six months. To try to railroad you like this into a permanent commitment with him is bad, bad news.
Well done on being astute and may I advise you walk? Soon as you can. And stay safe when you do so.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 August 2019):
 I think all signs are there that shows YOU that you two are NOT well matched at all. This is why all these arguments are popping up.
Loving someone A LOT doesn't mean there has to be a lot of arguments.
But let me ask you this, HOW do you see these issues being fixable?
CAN you stop being you? Can he stop being him?
I think you are both trying to mold the other person into someone that will be a good partner. And that rarely works.
What does WORK is knowing your partner and ACCEPTING them for who they are.
I don't think you two are good for each other.
Saying sorry afterwards is good, but NOT thinking before he opened his mouth is not. Which resulted in him HAVING to apologize. TEARS means nothing here, OP.
If he is a strict Catholic, WHY is he dating someone who is an atheist? It makes no sense. What would he do about the wedding? Can't marry YOU in a Catholic ceremony or church (unless you convert) what about children?
Taking things "slowly" means different things for different people. For you it means one thing and for him another. Which again is a pretty strong sign that you two are NOT well matched.
I have NEVER dated someone that I started to have weekly arguments after only 3 months. Actually, I have NEVER dated someone I argued that much with.
If I were you I'd end it now. This isn't going to work. You would BOTH be miserable together trying to change each other which doesn't work.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 August 2019):
 In your shoes I would get out of this non-relationship and remove this guy from your life completely. Yes, he is controlling. Yes, he is manipulative. Believe me, in time this will get worse and turn into abuse. If he won't listen to you now, what chance do you think you have of him listening to you if you actually make your relationship official? Someone telling you they are doing things which make you uncomfortable "because they love you" is always a BIG red flag. He's already started trying to convince you YOU are in the wrong. This will only get worse. Eventually EVERYTHING (including abuse) will be YOUR fault.
You have a gut instinct for good reason. PLEASE, for your own safety, listen to it. It is screaming at you that this guy is not good for you (or anyone, for that matter).
It doesn't matter what anyone else tells you; YOU have to be ready to walk away. If you are not ready yet, then PLEASE be very careful. In your shoes I would not tell this guy where you live, where you work or anything personal which would help him track you down. Possibly too late by now?
If you do decide to finish it, make sure it is in a public place and you don't agree to meet up with him on your own. Make sure you are driving your own car so you don't have to get into a car with him. He is so obsessed and driven that I would not trust him with your safety if you put an end to his dreams.
Look after yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2019): Your post reminds me of myself... Ten years ago. Because I was dating a similar guy with a similar pattern, with very similar backgrounds and circumstances. The only thing that was different was that gradually with time he became very verbally abusive and so nasty, that it would shock me to my core. I had a very hard time getting rid of him.. And right up until I got married, he would bother me with calls and texts from time to time. He had a serious inferiority complex, was very aggressive yet emotional and claimed to love me to the moon and back. Desperately wanted to marry me and once when I told him that I'd marry anyone but him, he said that I should be grateful he hasn't broken my face yet.
What I'm saying is, be very very careful where you're treading. If I were you, I'd run for the hills and never look back.
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