A
female
age
30-35,
*oveisreal217
writes:I’ll just dive right in since I don’t really know how to begin. My husband and I separated for a while for many reasons, two of the biggest being he neglected and ignored me for two years and I ended up having an emotional affair with one person for about a month (nothing sexual ever happened). When we started having trouble I didn’t realize he went and told everyone we’ve ever known and all our coworkers (we used to work together) all of friends-you name it he told them.....I wouldn’t know he told everyone until later. I really didn’t love him taking our martial problems and sharing them with everyone, but I really didn’t think too much of it. He also got really paranoid that I was seeing others so he started tracking my car and has full access to my phone and social media and email and anything else he wants. Sometimes he’d have an outburst and be angry with me, but I just accepted it because I was wrong in our marriage and I hurt him. These outbursts and his angry spells started to take a toll on me. I have a lot of anxiety now. When I wake up I panic because I don’t know if he’s going to be angry with me. When I wait for him to come home from work I’m not sure what person I’ll get when he comes through the door. I try not to say anything because it’s my fault he feels this way. But I also can’t pretend that I’m not on edge all the time. Not because I’m doing anything bad, but because I’m not sure if I should be happy or preparing for battle everyday. I don’t say anything though. (I should also say that at this point in time we have a much better relationship-I’m just trying to give some background on our history). We started going through therapy and working through our problems because we both decided maybe we should try and make it work instead of just quickly throwing over a decade away. As we’re going through therapy I start to notice that no one is really speaking to me at this point and I’m getting glared at left and right by coworkers. I honestly have no idea what’s going on and ask my husband why no one is speaking to me. That’s when it all comes out that he told them about our problems. I know what we have going on is bad, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why they were being quite this cruel to me. It turns out that he told them I was being mean and horrible and that I had been cheating on him sexually with multiple men. All of which was untrue. I only found out what exactly he said when those same people started making passive aggressive comments towards me or just being downright mean and I had no idea what they were talking about so I confronted them. And then I confronted my husband. He didn’t have an explanation for why he exaggerated everything and why he also neglected to mention his downfalls in our marriage (I could go into detail but this would be an even longer post). My husband and I have worked through most of our issues and now have a much stronger relationship. Which is good...Butt Basically, I have no friends now. I get anxiety around anyone because now I have no idea what they really think of me. I also have no one to confide in anymore since everyone abandoned me. Most days I think maybe I deserve all this. It maybe doesn’t help that I just left my job to be a stay at home wife. I feel more isolated than ever. I pretend most days that I’m fine, but the truth is outside of my marriage (which is so much better now) I’m very lonely. When my husband has a guys night or a gaming night with his buddies I have no alternative now. I also didn’t want him thinking I was seeing anyone or cheating on him so I stopped leaving the house for a while. I usually just stay in the bedroom. The only time I leave now is run errands during the day while he’s a work and that’s it. He no longer tracks my every move (mostly because I have no moves to track) he doesn’t have any outbursts anymore and he’s back to his normal self in our marriage. I have developed a lot of social anxiety and just general anxiety and panic overall. I see someone once a week for it, but it doesn’t make up for the fact that in reality I’m quite lonely and in a constant state of panic. I have depression now which is different. I hide it from my family and for the most part my Husband. He knows about it, but explaining it is hard. He wouldn’t understand and he’d be hurt by everything if I told him a lot of my mental health issues stem from some of his behavior(as well as my own). I guess what I’m asking is, if anyone at all has ever been in a situation like this where they were the bad guy in the relationship-how do you cope with everything once your relationship is back on track, but your life is completely altered? I don’t even know if it’s possible for anyone to relate to this, but I figured I’d give it a shot.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 August 2019):
 First, Thanks for the follow up. Second you are doing a lot of the right things to help the reconciliation. A change of jobs, moving away from contact with the Affair partner. Feeling positive about your relationship. All this is good.
You feel out of control, anxious and afraid. This is to be expected. I've seen this treated with medication and counseling. Medication didn't work for me. I mean I felt great but the problems underlying the anxiety just piled up. I'm still working through it.
A
female
reader, Loveisreal217 +, writes (15 August 2019):
Loveisreal217 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a quick update....I’m only temporarily a stay at home wife—I do have a new job in my career it just doesn’t start for a month. I felt like I needed to explain that since apparently I’m coming off as a moocher to everyone.
A very big part of me is trying to work things out because I do love him and we’ve been together essentially since we were 13 and I don’t want to throw it all away. I made a mistake-admittedly a big one-but I am trying to fix things.
I do talk to a therapist alone, one on one.
Basically he’s gone back to the way our marriage was and he’s happy. That makes me happy, but I seemed to have developed a lot of anxiety and panic and PTSD from all the events that happened. I was really asking if anyone has been through this and felt this way and what they did to cope. Everything is much better in our marriage, I just can’t deal with my own head sometimes. I don’t know if that makes sense. I’m not very good at explaining things.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 August 2019):
I'm somewhat reluctant to answer this, but it needs more answer. Years and years ago I felt neglected and let my feelings wander to another woman. Yes there was no sex. There was no date. There was no reciprocation from the other woman (that I know about). So in a way I can relate to to this.
Currently my wife is agaid abandoning the relationship to spend her energy in escapism. Reading a dozen or more steamy romance novels every week. Almost all of her non working time is spent reading, Even when we are on dates or in bed together. So, in a way, I relate to this from your husbands side.
I need to tell you that a betrayed partner needs a different kind of support to reconcile than a wayward partner. I also need to tell you that letting the truth get out is healthy. The secrecy that you desire is the food that fed the affair.
Now you are likely thinking "But he lied and exaggerated about what really happened", I don't know for sure, but I would guess, from my experience, That his exaggeration is really the truth of how he feels about the betrayal.
As for the friends that are shunning you, well they are not doing it to punish you (probably, mostly). I was also in their position once. A married man in our social group started attending to the affections of a married woman in our group. Everyone in the whole group was forced to participate in the infidelity. We witnessed it. It was in our face every event. And we all just took a step back because we felt embarrassed, and frightened. My Wife and I left the group so I have no idea how it ended.
You are so focused on how you feel and how anxious and depressed you are that it is hard for you to see how this is making others feel. That is understandable. But, you are making some continuing mistakes because you lack empathy.
Now to tell you the truth. Your marriage doesn't sound all that strong to me. Your husband seems, by your report, to still be emotionally distancing himself from you. (i could be wrong, it's hard to tell). And, you are so brittle that the next wind will shatter you. (again could be wrong but that's what your words are telling me)
I know this isn't the support you need. You have a therapist to tell you how ok you are. And, to an extent, you need to focus on getting your self back together. I suspect that your husband is in too much pain to be much help to you. I know you want him to be that rock that can weather your storms, but he is not. He wasn't there before the affair, and now he is a broken version of that insufficient man. He likely knows this and it does not feel good.
Sorry.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (10 August 2019):
Why are you with this guy? You need to find a job, a lawyer, a counselor and a new place to live. Because how you’re living now isn’t a life it’s a prison sentence.
It’s shocking that somehow the man who ignored you for two years. Forcing you to find solace with someone else and then slvt shamed to everyone you know has convinced you that you are the bad guy.
If you cannot bring yourself to leave this abusive monster and for the life of me I cannot see why you would want to stay with him., please find a counselor who can help you see that you don’t deserve to be treated like this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2019): Married man 50's
I told.
I didn't want to but it just got so hard trying to cover for the lack of an emotional connection.
I had to explain to stores why my wife's account needed to be separate from mine now.
I had to explain to friends Why I was going to movies alone.
I had to tell the waitstaff that, No My wife would not be joining me for dinner.
Eventually I just started saying. Well it's this way because she is doing this. And it's healthier for me to have it this way.
It's hard to admit that you are still actively with a person who is doing this to you. It makes you feel weak and ineffectual.
But it's just to hard to explain the changes in your life without including the changes in your partners life.
I also don't believe it will come back stronger. I've never had an injury or infection that made me stronger.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 August 2019):
 OK I see several issues here. MANY.
1. Find a job again. Being a stay at home wife ONLY makes you more ISOLATED than you already are.
2. He shouldn't have told coworkers about the marriage issues. He should have talked to YOU. And they aren't really friends if they ONLY believe HIS version of events.
3. You did wrong in having an affair. YOU should have talked to your husband and TOLD him you felt neglected. It's not an excuse for cheating.
4. Your marriage and relationship WILL never NEVER be the same. It will get get stronger or fall apart. All depending on HOW well you two WORK and mending issues.
5. You husband isn't ENTITLED to be "always right" and "Always the victim" and ALWAYS hold your past action over your head.
You say you don't know what "version" of your husband will walk through the door and that gives you anxieties. Well, no wonder! It is NOT all YOUR fault. After all, HE chose - read that again, CHOSE to try and make it work. Which means HE can't HOLD it over your head when he bloody feels like it. Either it can be put in the past, or not. If he can't DO that (and that is OK too) he needs to walk away and divorce you. So you BOTH can get a fresh start.
I think you should 1. find a new job and 2. talk to your counselor about better tools to deal with this. If you don't GET a job, you will HAVE to rely on him financially for EVERYTHING. Which isn't good for anyone.
I GET that he is mad, hurt, sad. Totally. But he isn't doing ANYONE (not even himself ) any favors by telling people bad things about you, because that reflects back at him too. Nor does it help anyone to STILL hold a grudge. You did something WRONG in the marriage. You owned it and ended it. And you have been trying to make amends and rebuild.
Rebuilding will take time. IF it ever happens.
TALK to your doctor or your therapist ONE-ON-ONE. YOU need to get healthy mentally no matter where your path leads. It should be a priority.
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