A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:So I went for a date with this guy on Monday and it went gd, he's asked me to go to a wine tasting evening after he comes back from holiday with his parents in a fortnight. However, he’s cute (he’s half French and has the accent), has a handsome face with hot green eyes but he’s slightly chubby (he works in his dads French restaurant and describes himself as a “foodie”) and I find it a massive turn off. Im not shallow honest, but when he took his top off on the beach after we went for fish and chips he had a beer belly and when I rubbed sunscreen on him he had like rolls. I honestly love his personality but his body is unattractive.I’m the opposite and love health fitness etc. (play county football, dad’s a PT) and he wasn’t mean about it but when I told him that I do stuff like drink protein shakes, count calories etc he started laughing loudly and told me I had an obsession. He is “passionate” about food he says. He’s going to take over the restaurant from his dad and on his Facebook he’s always posting pictures of Mcdonalds, burgers, takeaways etc that he eats I guess it is like a life style for him. He also smokes all the time and has a cigar collection.I’m used to guys being muscular because I go to the gym a lot and also play mixed county football, I mean I’m not shallow and don’t need a six pack lol but we have v different attitudes to health.Help!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (16 August 2018):
 There are times when you have to go back and rethink your answer. Since my reply this has turned into a question of what is shallow? and how much of a problem is that?
So Shallow means you make snap judgments without considering more than a narrow criteria. Our OP is not really shallow because she is actually slowly agonizing over this decision because She likes his personality and humor, but they don't see eye to eye on health and fitness. Then there is the physical attraction problem. She is not shallow because she thinks about the relationship on many levels. That makes her deep.
But . . . and here is the heart of the matter. Her physical attraction has some pretty narrow parameters. She states he is "slightly chubby". Then says that is a massive turn off. That says her attraction is affected by only a slight variation from norm. everyone agrees that if she is massively turned off by his body, she shouldn't continue in the relationship. This is because it is going to cause huge problems sexually.
There is a hint that this is her being very nice as she also states he has "like rolls" and a "beer belly", those are pretty serious signs of overweight. So if she is really massively turned off by rolls and beer belly that is a much larger departure from norm, or rather from healthy. The norm, isn't all that healthy.
The post also brings up obsessions, or passions, or even hobbies. The trouble with advising on this is that in can go either way. An obsession for fitness can lead to an energetic healthy person who is fun to be with. But if it goes too far it can lead to no time for the relationship, gym friends who resent your partner and every weekend away at a race. The same with a passion for food. It can lead to an interesting person who will happily cook wonderful things for you, or take you to good meals. But it can lead to overweight, gluttony, low energy, and the raft of health problems that come with it.
This can apply to anyone's hobby. I was recently in a discussion about a football watching hobby. Another common complaint is music performers. Anything that restricts your ability to hold down a healthy relationship could be a hobby that has gone too far.
And finally (I but you are happy to hear that) there is the partner who thinks they can get their partner to drop their hobby or change their hobby when the relationship gets more serious. First, you fell in love with the person as a whole, when you change them by removing the offending hobby, you could easily be taking away the very thing that attracted you in the first place. And Second, it rarely works.
So if our OP can't stand his Flab, she should let him go. He's not going to give up food any more than she is likely to be come attracted to chubby.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 August 2018):
 No it doesn't make you shallow. You are attracted to a certain type and that is your right. I bet if someone posted it about a muscular personal trainer who they weren't attracted to nobody would call them shallow. You are in to your fitness and he is in to his food. Both is okay, but for you he is not attractive so I think it is best just to leave it as it is. Personality alone is not enough for a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2018): Incompatibility is not a character fault.I am more concerned at why you would feel you dont have the right to end it?Youve been on one date.You owe him nothing.You are not comfortable with him!You need never date him again.You should be armed and ready with: "sorry I cant make it!" "I've met someone new down at the gymn!" " We must meet for coffee sometime, I'll let you know when.. " "I'm not free to date right now!" " My ex just returned from camp. " " Someone at my church is holding a barbecue that day. " I dont fancy you and I'm not into you! "And you really dont have to rub suntan cream on anyone on a first date or anytime at all.Just tell them 'No, I dont do suncream!'Somehow you havent embraced that you have a right to have opinions and attitudes and no one has the right to force you to rub suncream on their hairy belly.Even if you are on a date!You have the right to say no.This guy is not your type.You sound much younger and I hope no one has been undermining you and forcing you to do stuff otherwise they call you shallow.Who cares if you're shallow?I dont care about it at all.You are still a person in my opinion and when you find your inner confidence and acknowledge your own inner beauty you will realise that you dont have to do anything for anyone against your wishes and you have the right to determine your own future without criticism.Be brave enough to be who you want to be and to turn away unsuitable romantic suitors.Better to have no date than one you cant stand.How did you meet this guy??Was it online?If you knew him earlier why were you dating someone you find physically unattractive in the first place?Don't make the same mistake again because this is not what people do for dating.They dont find someone physically repulsive and push themselves into doing things they dont want to do.They wait.They talk and become friends usually especially within their own age range.Who is pushing you forwards into being someone who has to be touchy feely with people they dont like?Thats basically training you to be a hooker if you have to fake that you like someone in a romantic fashion.So confidence up, drop the dead donkey (aka the chefboy) and try to make other friends or just wait until the time is better for you and you really are starting to feel that you like someone enough to go out for the day together.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 August 2018):
"hot green eyes" Apparently your only physical attraction to him
"he’s slightly chubby" . . . " I find it a massive turn off. I'm not shallow honest," Yes, you are.
"I rubbed sunscreen on him" That is certainly going above and beyond to test the waters. I'd say you gave him every chance.
"he started laughing loudly and told me I had an obsession." And so does he.
"I mean I’m not shallow" Yes, you are.
"I honestly love his personality" Except of course for his obsessions and unhealthy habits and . . . .
Let's face it, back in the 80's we used "nice personality" as a euphemism for ugly as a mud fence. I'm pretty sure you are saying the same thing here. The accent and the hot green eyes are never going to get you over the revulsion you feel when you touch him. You can't hold together this relationship with out touch.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2018): I'm chubby . There's plenty of men who complain about not liking chubby woman . Goodness knows society makes us the butt of their jokes . However I know there are also some out there who will be attracted to me , . The last thing I'd want is someone to stay with me because they liked my personality and not be physically attracted to me . Do him a favour and let him find a woman who finds him to be her cup of tea personality wise and physically and you find someone who turns you on
No point dwelling on the fact that you are not into him
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 August 2018):
 You aren't attracted to him physically. That happens. Most of us have a preference in looks as to what WE find attractive. Its not a crime, its just how it is. Don't try to make yourself attracted to him no matter how nice he is..it won't work. Chalk it up as to he isn't your type, move on. He can be a friend of course but don't try to push yourself into dating someone you just aren't attracted to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2018): [EDIT]:
Corrections:
"People do pretend to have romantic-attraction to hold-on to lovely-people to use them, and prey on their goodness."
"He also knows that's on your mind; because I'm sure you've made subtle hints."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2018): We give advice, offer comfort, and help people solve issues about relationships. Nobody on this planet can tell you how to feel about someone.
People form romantic-relationships based on more than what the eyes can see. However; at your age, it's quite alright to be somewhat superficial; because most of the relationships that you will experience are trial-relationships, and practice towards deeper more meaningful-relationships. Experience and reality are our greatest teachers.
Your attitude will become more discerning and serious as you mature; and hopefully, less superficial. You will learn that personality tops looks; because it isn't just someone's body and looks you fall in-love with. It's the person. I'm not going to feed you a bunch of bologna and preach some sappy lecture about looks don't matter. Yes they do! You prefer a certain healthy lifestyle; so look for guys who have one, but also have a great personality. Hopefully, you have a great personality too!
Life is not a TV reality show; and you don't come along to change people to suit you!
The purpose of dating is that you are actually meeting a variety of personalities, testing and comparing attitudes, and yes... choosing body-types to determine what you find most attractive and suitable to your own tastes. You are going through a process of natural-selection. Eliminating what is incompatible, and rejecting personality-flaws that will prove to be problematic in a romantic-relationship.
Friendships are formed on a different set of rules, but both people have to be searching for friends. It can't be a one-sided situation. It will surely fail. Friendship and romance can co-exist; but only if there isn't a hidden agenda, or underlying infatuation. Everyone must be honest and all things above-board. Trust is key to success in any kind of relationship. That requires truth!
People do pretend to have romantic-attraction to hold-on to lovely-people to use them, and prey on they goodness. To bask in their admiration and attention. To feel worshiped.
Sometimes they settle for friendship in order to maintain close-contact; but they really desire a romance. Clinging-on for dear-life; but it isn't going to happen for them. Don't try that on anyone; or allow that to happen to you. It's not fair. It's hurtful, and will end in disaster.
If you get helplessly caught-up in "types" and beauty; you will not appreciate the best part of the person. The inner-beauty, the more enduring/endearing part of our humanity. Our personality. It's the core of who we are. The soul.
You have to be on the same page. If he is attracted to you both physically and emotionally; but you are not feeling the same about him, end it. Don't toy with his feelings, or be pretentious. He's a darling-person, but not for you!
Too often people think they have the right to shame, brainwash, or bully others into changing their appearance. They presume they can persuade them into forsaking their own beliefs and values, to make them over into what they want them to be. The point of love is to accept people for whomever they are. Not force them into the mold you've created for them. If they wish to change in anyway, that's up to them. If you wish to change, that's up to you.
If you have set-criteria regarding certain physical-attributes or character-traits; the point is to keep searching until you find someone who already has them. Not try to change people to what you want them to be. That is the hidden or underlying message in your post. If only you could get him to lose the weight; and become the physical-specimen of a man you want him to be. He has already told you that's not going to happen. He likes food! He will have to make changes about his lifestyle based on his own healthy choices. Not yours! he also knows that's on your mind; because I'm sure you've made subtle hints.
Maybe you've been bold or assertive; and come right-out and said what's on your mind. Yet he didn't budge! So you came to us?
I think it's best you move-on; because you're not attracted to him, and he is not a good match for you. If you're planning on telling him how he should eat, or dictate what lifestyle he should have; you should keep this in-mind. He didn't ask you to! Even if you have a fantastic physique, and some guy comes along and decides you should have a rounder buttocks, or bigger boobs than nature gave you; I don't think that guy would be around for very long! Best he just move-on, right?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 August 2018):
 I’m not sure what you’re asking for help for exactly?
You’re not attracted to the guy. Case closed.
It doesn’t sound like he will be hitting the gym any time soon so are you expecting to wake up one day and be head over heels for him? It’s perfectly fine to not be attracted to people because they’re carrying weight. Just as it’s fine to not be attracted to someone because you don’t like their hair cut, facial features, personality. It’s nothing to be ashamed about.
I’m sure I’ve been turned down many times in my life because the other person didn’t find me attractive, just the same I’ve turned others down for the same reason. It happens, you don’t have to accept his invitations out just because you’re being asked. You’re not right for each other, end of. This could be a good friendship, but you can’t be in a relationship with someone you’re not physically attracted to, it won’t work out long term.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 August 2018):
 Look, the poor chubby guy turns you off. It's not only that " he does not turn you on " physically; it's more . He turns you OFF- pretty close to disgust and revulsion , if you ask me.
What would you want to do, have sex with him just to prove to the world how enlightened and open-minded and un-shallow you are ?...
Personally, I don't think having preferences and / or dealbreakers in terms of looks is shallow. If any, the opposite could be shallow, i.e. dating someone whom you can't stand / don't admire or respect JUST because he looks so hot and makes a great trophy boyfriend. But IMO accepting that we are made of body AND mind, and accepting that our partners must be people that , at least to a certain extent appeal to both , body and mind, is not shallow, it's sensible and realistic.
Suppose I am wrong, though- suppose that your friends or people in general had the right to call you shallow for not physically desiring a boy with a beer belly ; again, what are you going to do , go ahead and become intimate with him , against your instincts and inclinations, just to show everybody how " spiritual " you are ?
This kind of sacrifice would be unnecessary, stupid and pointless. It's much simpler and kinder to let go of Chubby Boy without stringing him along, and let him free to meet other girls who are ok with the way he looks.
P.S. : not that it's relevant : are you sure he was not B.S.ing you with this story of his job at his dad's French restaurant ? Because if he is into fast food, that's exactly the opposite of being a " foodie " and of having any knowledge or appreciation of fine cuisine- plus a father who is a French chef would probably disown a son like that, lol - leave alone letting him take over his kitchen one day !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2018): Physical attraction is very important in relationships. This guy is very unlikely to change his ways/attitude. Even if he wanted to lose weight, he's going to always be tempted by running a restaurant. Attraction can grow over time in some cases as you get to know someone better but it seems you've made your mind up. What's wrong with just being friends?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 August 2018):
 We fancy who we fancy. It is not about being shallow It is about that connection, that chemistry.
Dating is all about "trying before you buy". Well, you have tried and realized you don't want to buy as he is not what you want.
Given that he is a nice guy, if he is agreeable, consign him to the friend zone while you keep looking for someone who not only has a nice personality but who you also fancy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 August 2018):
 If that is an initial turn off for you, it won't change. And HE won't change either.
You can't really date someone (at least not seriously) for their personality alone. For most, there has to be some physical attraction too.
It's a little odd for someone who calls himself a "foodie" to be into fast-food like McDonald's, but maybe he doesn't mean "foodie"as a term for those who will travel far and wide to taste something amazing.
And then there is the smoking. Well, if you are a non-smoker... This might be another turn off. It is another layer of enjoying unhealthy stuff.
It's only been one date, so if you are unsure - you could go for a second date or... pass on this guy now instead of down the line.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2018): Are you saying that you aren’t attracted physically at all? Because if you don’t find him attractive at all, walk away now. I doubt he’ll change, so I wouldn’t expect him to change. If you aren’t attracted then that’s that. Yes personality is important but if you don’t like his look and lifestyle, it’s not going to work out. You aren’t being superficial about this, necessarily. And you’re young, your tastes might change as you get older and you might start to be attractive to different types of people or appreciate different characteristics in people. But this is you now, and you can’t help it, nor should you change. If in doubt, look at it from another perspective, does he deserve to be with someone who’s lifestyle matches his better and who will love every aspect of him? Yes. Just like you deserve the same and wouldn’t want to be ugh someone who thinks you’re unattractive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2018): I'm sorry but you do sound shallow. If he is happy in his skin then let him be.
No one asked you to judge him . How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he couldn't stand your body shape ???
Stop been shallow. If you can't love someone for their looks as well as their personality, then leave.
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