A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with the same guy for 4 years we have a baby together but in the past 2 years he cheated on me over 12 times. One of the times he gave me an std I found out from his sisters friend because he gave it to her as well. Another time a girl said she was pregnant but when we asked for proof she decided on getting an abortion, which seems fishy to everyone. But I stayed with him. Something new happens every 3 months but its been a while now I'm so scared of him hurting me again. What do I do? Its only been 5 months since the last occurrence
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abortion, cheated on me, std Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): Yes I have a best girlfriend and she fucked him too I really just needed to hear that I'm going to be making the right choice. Like I said I will not get hurt
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 November 2011):
 You're not going to get hurt again? What about the next time he cheats or gives you an STD? will that hurt?
if it doesn't why will you leave?
you are deluding yourself into thinking it won't hurt. It will.
do you have a best girlfriend? does she lie to you? does she cheat you? does he make you sick or stay away when she has a cold?
how can you say that a man that has cheated on you 12 times in four years (that's an average of once every three months btw) and gave you an STD is your BEST FRIEND?
I could not trust a man like that. do you trust him? or are you waiting for the other shoe to drop?
I am all about forgiving folks... but this is a bit excessive in my opinion...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): I didn't stay with him cause I love him which I do very very much I didn't stay with him cause of our son. He isn't only the love of my life. He has changed and if he hurts me again I will leave he was there for me when I had no one he was the only guy that didn't leave me. He held my head up when I couldn't do it myself he is filling a void that my brother left. I'm not sticking up for his actions but he is a good guy never turns violent after the pregnancy scare he said he was done he did cause it was there and after I made him see that I was done he promised that he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me. He is my best friend and has been for years. But I'm not gonna get hurt again I promise you all that. I've been hurt a lot in my life I'm stronger then any man no one will ever make me feel power less. I really respect your advice thank you I really needed to hear that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 November 2011):
 I'm wondering why you are still with him? You DO know that no matter how much you love him he isn't going to change? He keeps cheating because he knows you will take him back, the only one who is getting hurt is you, so I ask you WHY are you letting this guy do this to you?
Why do you let him use you like a doormat?
Think of this, staying with him, is also teaching your child that THIS is OK to treat others like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): He is going to do it again. He may not for some time, maybe even a year or two years, but when something triggers what makes him cheat, he will cheat. If he cheated once, and was genuinely sorry, honestly made a big mistake... I believe it is very possible that he would not cheat again. but 12 times!! he has a habit/pattern/addiction/problem. He will not be able to stop himself and it is just a matter of time - sorry but that is what I believe. This sounds like the Boiling Frog Syndrome..."If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, he’ll jump out. But if you place a frog into a pot of lukewarm water and slowly turn up the heat, it will boil to death." And so it is with how you have been treated. Most everyone else would not put up with that sort of treatment, because it is so cruel, disrespectful, unloving and sick. Yet you are considering it and mostly concerned about trusting that he won't do it again. You want to forgive him and get over the hurt. I do not believe you will ever get over the hurt while you are with him. You will stop hurting when you stop loving him and stop having a relationship with him. It is amazing how everytime he does it, it will hurt you so very much, like it was the first time. You never get used to it, and it hurts every single time. Is that correct? I have been in a similar situation, and I could not learn to trust again. I could not stop worrying/wondering where he truely was/who he truely was with... The 'not knowing' almost drove me crazy, and destroyed my happiness in life.
I strongly urge you to love and respect yourself so much, that you KNOW you want and deserve so much better, and you won't settle for less. Make a decision, then leave him. He does not deserve you. Even if he never did it again...he does not deserve you. You obviously love him very much, but you have an 'attachment' to him that must be broken, and that takes time. You must be very strong, and know you will get over the pain, and you will gain back your self esteem, your happiness....and one day, your life will be happy and wonderful again. You may even go on to have a REAL, HEALTHY relationship with a man who loves you so much he would not dream of ever wanting another woman. The hardest part isn't just leaving...it is the NOT GOING BACK... no matter how much he promises you that he will change. He can not change for very long. You must instigate to the best of your ability, no contact. this will help your heart to heal the most and for you to stop hurting and get over the relationship. This is not a healthy relationship. This man is not the love of your life... Your true love is still searching for you. All the best.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 You know full well that he is going to hurt you again - and this is because he doesnt love you, he doesnt care about you and he doesnt respect you. He has cheated over 12 times and given you a disease - he thinks so little of you that he is happy to endanger your health and put your life at risk because of his sleeping around.
I honestly cannot see any reason why you have stayed with him. And please do not give me the 'I love him' excuse - he doesnt love you so you deserve so much more than this. And dont give me the 'we have a child together' excuse either, that wont wash with me. Imagine your child comes to you in the future and tells you that his/her partner has cheated 12 times - what would you tell them? Would you tell them to stay and put up with it? I bet the answer is no, you wouldnt want that to be their life at all.
So you have to realise that loving him, or having a child together is not enough to stay in a relationship. Your child will in fact be worse off in the long run if you stay with him, he/she will know how unhappy mummy is, she/he will see the arguments and mummy crying when she finds out daddy has cheated again. And what if he gives you another STD and this time it is HIV/AIDS? He could be responsible for killing you and then your child would be without its mother.
The best thing for you and your child is to leave - you deserve so much more than this low life, there will be someone out there who will love you, treat you with respect and always put you first. Dont let this be your life, you can go on to be happy and in a loving relationship, but you have to be strong and leave him once and for all. Draw up a custody agreement with regards to your child, but that is the only contact you need with him ever again.
You can do better, you deserve so much better - dont put up with this poor excuse of a man, he has hurt you enough now so time to call it a day and move on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 November 2011):
 Your must hurt so very very much. Living in this appalling situation. Where through no fault of your own you were given a Sexually transmitted disease. You know it is likely to happen again? Not a very pleasant thought, I know.
And he has absolutely no respect for you. And you suffer and feel the pain. And then he puts the pressure on your and you feel you have no other option but to take him back.
You know that is not true.
You know there are people who want to help and places and organizations out there that want to offer you support.
But it is hard, after you have invested so much of your heart and soul into a relationship that comprises you (who does care, in fact cares about HIS feelings far too much) versus him. He really does not care about YOUR feelings at all. Otherwise he would not keep on doing the things he does.
He humiliates you and I bet it feels terrible. The worse. Then he cajoles you, promises you, assures you. And you have lost the strength to stand up for yourself anymore. He has brought you this low. And broken your spirit and your belief in yourself
You CAN break free of him
He is a bona fide Player. This below is good advice from AnonymousMale1 and it is good advice. Check out his other articles because his advice is the real deal on identifying situations to avoid.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/10-situations-that-scream-hes-a-player.html
You have tried to break away from this man. That took major COURAGE on your part. And then you gave into the pressure and went back to him. Because you felt the pressure. This happens. But next time you do need to get more support before you leave. But for a while you will feel drawn back to him over and over again.
You know he hurts you emotionally and will keep on hurting you emotionally until he cannot be bothered any more.
You really DO DESERVE MUCH BETTER than this.
The Abusive relationship cycle goes through a predictable cycle. You even know the cycle by now. And you know you have the calm before the storm. You can feel him getting restless again. OK He promises he will not do it again. But you know he cannot keep his promises.
Are you getting to the point where you can find the strength to leave him if you can get enough local support?
I gather the hurt he inflicts is psychological and not also physical? Psychological abuse is just as damaging as any other kind of abuse. It affects your self- esteem and your belief in you.
when we think of a honeymoon we think of a happy time. Well the Abuse cycle has a "honeymoon" time too, but it means the calm period before the abuser starts to increase the pressure with an escalation of domestic abuse straight after the "honeymoon" cycle in the abuse cycle.
More is explained here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
And these links may provide you with more information and support.
And I hope it also helps you to find the courage to break away from this man. You have a right to feel safe in a relationship.
Domestic Violence:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
Domestic Violence Shelters and agencies that can offer you help
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DVSheltersUS.pdf
http://www.silcom.com/~paladin/madv/dvagencies.html
Biderman’s Chart of Coercion – how an abuser does it
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/pdf/bidermans_chart_of_coercion.pdf
Good luck with your future. You surely do deserve a calm loving kind relationship with a guy who is NOT unfaithful. You deserve the reliability of a loving faithful partner who will honour his promises. I do hope that, after a period of healing, that you do meet the guy who will be faithful, honourable and true to you.
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