A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i dont know how to word this effectively, my boyfriend and i have been together over a year and i thought we were happy, i know he has cheated in the past and im no saint myself but i thought that was all in the past, hand on my heart i can say ive been 100% faithful in the relationship, but yesterday i logged onto his email account (out of suspiscion, i know it was wrong to spy) and i found out that he had made an online account on a chat site which he was frequently using to chat to other girls. he says he knows he has made a mistake and hes sorry but im at a loss, i dont know what to do, please help, is this really cheating? is it really that bad? is it something that is workable? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (10 October 2012):
 I dated a guy and had this happen to me. When I was checking his email for a coupon I saw it. He denied it, then said it wasn't anything bad, etc. I forgave him. I never trusted him again after that. I checked up on everything he did and caught him in more lies. It became a terrible cycle and no matter what he did to "fix it", it made no difference. The trust was gone and I didn't see him the same way anymore.
There is nothing innocent about doing something behind your back. He didn't tell you about this for a reason. And when someone is capable of chatting with the opposite sex and hiding it from their partner, then they are capable of a lot more deceit. It is cheating. And even if you don't consider it cheating, he is still lying and doing shady shit. After dealing with that from my ex I would never accept lying ever again. Even reading your post gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach and I feel for you. If you forgive him expect more lies. It won't stop here.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 October 2012):
 I think many people would consider this cheating, and you obviously have a some reason/feeling why you shouldn't trust him. I think it's probably time to end this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): If he's chatting to girls behind your back, then its certainly not all innocent. Its possible he's emotionally cheating on you, if not physically. One way you could find out if he would be willing to cheat on you again is not to tell him you've discovered his secret account, but ask him if everything is ok between you two, just say its a general question, and that if he has a problem or is unhappy about something in the relationship, to tell you about it rather than run to other females, and pretend to you everything is ok. If he says everything IS ok, and nothing is bothering him, and he's happy, then clearly you KNOW he's lying, so be on your guard!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 October 2012):
 1. you didn't trust him before he did this behind your back will you EVER trust him?
2. for me it's the secrets and the lies that are the problem. If I don't trust my partner then I can't relax...
I have had a spouse that needed that ego stroke of other women... he's gone now... just not worth the pain... because if they are just chatting and have nothing to hide they would tell you... if they hide it then they are lying to someone...
telling the chat girls that the relationship is bad and that's why he needs their attention...
telling you that they mean nothing... but if they meant nothing then why would he risk hurting you?
if you want to let him lie to you and be a doormat then it's workable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): If he's doing something behind your back and you are now just finding out about it, yes, it's cheating. It's being dishonest, hiding something, anyway you want to put it, he is doing something he should not be doing.So, the question is WHY? What does he think he is missing in his relationship and why does he still need to seek out other women to "talk to" when he is in a relationship with you???If these people were just his "friends" then why is he hiding it from you? Why don't the chat conversations come up at any time when you are together and just talking about stuff. I'm not a fan with talking to strangers on line anyway so I would not be very accepting of this behavior at all. I think it's important for you to be clear to him about what your relationship deal breakers are and if he cannot be in a committed relationship that includes honesty, loyalty and respect, he should just remain single and he can chat it up and see whomever he likes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2012):
 ***** is this really cheating? is it really that bad? is it something that is workable?***
Well, for ME (personally) YES, this is cheating. It's not that he can't talk to other females, but the fact that he does it in hiding and behind your back.
Is it really bad? again, YES. It starts out with "just" chatting but it rarely ends with that. After all he is not looking for GUYS to "just" talk to is he? NO he wants to talk to other GIRLS for a reason. He wants that "rush" of chasing, flirting, getting his ego stroked.
Is it workable. Well that is up to the two of you. Honestly, for me this would be a total no-no. He's cheated in the past and now this? Seems to me that he is just looking for "loopholes" so he can do whatever he wants to do.
You don't trust this man either (which is understandable) but it's not a way to have a relationship. You feeling a NEED to check up on him, hoping to perhaps NOT catch him, but knowing you probably will. And you did. Next time he will hide it better an then you will spend hours trying to find out.
Why should ANYONE have to monitor their partner? Does that at all feel right? Healthy?
You might want to rethink this relationship. At least you two don't have a mortgage or share kids so you CAN easily walk away and find someone who CAN/WILL be faithful.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (10 October 2012):
 Well personally in a relationship i would not be happy with my partner going on to chat sites and chatting with other guys, can't imagine many people would be happy to be honest. I think the question is if he is happy with you and things are going ok then why does he feel the need to log on to this site and chat to other girls?. Whats his intentions, is it just harmless banter, or as the flirting online becomes more intense does he intend to eventually meet up with some of these people. You say that he has cheated in the past, so obviously him being unfaithful again is on your mind. relationships are about trust, if there is no trust in a relationship then i can't see the point of going on with it. The fact that you logged onto his account clearly means you have got strong trust issues with him. Is this what you really want, always worrying what he is upto, who he is talking too. I think you need to think long and hard, is this guy right for you?.
Good luck
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