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female
age
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anonymous
writes:Hi I need some advice about a relationship I am a widow, my husband died 8 years ago and two years ago I met a lovely man and fell in love. But he has finished our relationship 5 times so far and caused me a lot of heartache. The last time it happened I said could not stand the heartache anymore and that was that. I suffered a bit but then he came round and said he was sorry and that he did not want to hurt me he was sorry and that he loved me an still wanted to go out with me and would I consider it. He wanted to take me out for meals and weekends away but not live together just yet. His reasons for finishing our relationship did not make much sense as he does not talk things through but just go of on a tangent. He is a workaholic and works 7 days a week. We lived together for about 5 days a week for a least 6 months. Should I risk it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): I think your loneliness is causing you to make some rash decisions. Loss of your husband is unfortunate; but one of the problems we face when we suffer the death of a partner is allowing grief to make us desperate, or so needy that we might get ourselves into unhealthy relationships.
I had a tough time dealing with my grief when my partner died after a 28-year relationship; but I learned to live alone, enjoy the closeness of my family and friends; and I didn't rush-out looking for relationships to find a replacement for my dead partner. Dreading loneliness like it was some kind of fatal disease.
Do you really love the man, or think you need one? There's a difference.
If you allow yourself time to adjust to your loss, and deal with your grief; you'll handle new relationships better. People won't just manipulate you, or take advantage of your vulnerability.
You didn't say, or probably won't say...whether he returned of his own accord, or after your begging and pleading? I guess that doesn't really matter; if he'll just up and leave when he gets tired of you. Whenever he has probably found somebody else he'd rather be with. You've conveniently left-out a lot of details. How can anyone even tell you to go back to him, and maintain a clear conscience???
I would suppose you haven't allowed yourself to become accustomed to being independent. Sleeping alone, fending for yourself, and being comfortable with living by yourself. You're clinging to a man who has broken-up with you; probably because you're too clingy and afraid of being alone. Otherwise, he's probably a player. You're the old stand-by. You're too desperate to let-go; because you've decided he's the center of your universe, and he can do no wrong. You'll forgive him for anything, as long as he takes you back. That would be terrible!
There's another side to this story. There's also his side, and why he has to keep leaving you? There's the question of why he leaves and keeps coming back?
I think someone who can dump you that many times is either using you financially; or you're so determined to keep him, you'll allow him to treat you any which-way. He does not love you as he claims; but knows he has to tell you he does, because you'll almost drag it out of him. You need him to say it; but something is definitely wrong when you take somebody back five times after they've dumped you! It's so sad that you're even keeping count!
As to be expected in these types of posts, much is left out of this story. Yet, there's still enough there to tell the guy doesn't love you; if he can leave you so many times. Then again, maybe there is something you're doing (or about you) that seriously needs fixing; and it's driving him away. At this point, reconciliation is nothing but restarting the cycle of on-again/off-again.
I think you should end this cycle of makeups and breakups. The relationship is over and dead. Pull the plug! It's unhealthy, seems addictive, and you might need some bereavement counseling; to help you deal with the loss of your husband. Seems to me, when he's down on his luck; or somebody else has thrown him out on his keister, he knows where to land. You're waiting there with open-arms! I strongly sense you know better, and already know the answer to your question. Thus, you didn't mention your age!
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (15 May 2021):
 OP, I think you have to ask yourself how much more can your heart take? You love him and wish to be with him but at what cost? It sounds like being with him you are always just waiting for the other shoe to drop! It can't be a very stable or comforting feeling knowing that he's already broken up with you 5 times. My heart couldn't take it.
My mother is 85 and has been playing this sort of game with her boyfriend for the last 6 years. She found her "first love" right after my dad passed away. She claims that her boyfriend is the "love of her life" but they fight like cats and dogs and she is constantly moving in/moving out of his home and coming back to hers. This happens at least once a month so its far more than your situation but still...its ridiculous. I honestly think the two of them like playing it! Granted I know at her age it isn't all that easy to find a new mate but geez...give me a break.
Only you know what you want to put up with. I'd bid him farewell and move on but that's me. I just wouldn't want to live in the uncertainty that you are living under. You do deserve better OP but only you can decide when you want to believe that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2021): Thank you all for your good advise. That is what my head is telling me but my heart still loves him. It will be hard but he can't love me as he says or he would not treat me so badly. I don't deserve to be treated so meanly.
Thank you all once again for your sound advise.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 May 2021):
 I can see TRYING it again if this was the FIRST time he had broken up with you and if he was really remorseful but... HOW many times will YOU accept being dumped? By the SAME guy?
There are no guarantees that he won't do it again. It's probably more likely that he WILL dump you again, and again for as long as YOU accept him doing this. And yes, if you take him back you ACCEPT his actions as being not great but still acceptable to YOU.
Just no. Tell him that you wish him well but you are done with this merry-go-round. It's going nowhere and you have no faith in him not making a repeat performance - to sit and wait for the other shoe to drop would be STUPID of you. Because then YOU are doing the HURT to yourself.
Wish him well and BLOCK him.
Then give yourself some time to move on. To be consent by yourself and to figure out WHY you "allowed" this behavior of his 5!!! frigging times!
When you have worked through all that, then look to date again, but TAKE your time and BE picky.
Know that you are WORTH more than to be treated like an old doll that he can pick up and throw away when it suits him.
You know what you need to do. Don't fear being on your own. You can do that too. It will make you realize what your actual boundaries are.
Chin up.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 May 2021):
 I firmly believe the universe sends us people to teach us lessons. If we refuse to learn the lesson they were sent to teach us, they (or someone similar) will keep coming back into our lives until such time as we learn the lesson.
He's finished with you FIVE times. Not once, not twice, but FIVE times. How many chances are you going to give him? 10? 20? 100? You KNOW he will hurt you because he has already proved it FIVE times previously. How many more times will it take before you say "Enough! I am worth more than this"????
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reader, kenny +, writes (14 May 2021):
 If you had of said he finished with you once then came back with his tail between his legs then i would have said give him the benefit of the doubt.
To finish with you five times leaving you in turmoil and heartache my advice would be to not let him into your life again.
i know that you have had a tough time, and its probably not what you want to hear but i think you are his back up plan every time one of his relationships finishes, more than likely when they dump him.
Should you risk it?. My advice to you would be to not take any more chances on this guy, unless you want to take the levels of being finished with to number 6.
As you have taken him back 5 times already he know's your a safe bet and will more than likely keep taking him back, resulting in him constantly letting you down.
OP you are worth more than this, stop giving him the satisfaction. I think you need to step up to the plate and have some self worth and say to him no more. Give him his marching orders and delete him off of everything and get on with your life.
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