A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my bestfriend have been friends for many years. Over these years, he's always loved me in a way more than friends and has asked me on several occasions to be together with him. Over the years, he's really grown and matured and I find myself getting attracted to many of his good qualities. However, one thing that is missing is physical attraction. I am an attractive female that catches much attention when I go out. One very superficial concern that I have about dating my bestfriend is that he is below average in the looks department, and I'm afraid that my friends would wonder why I am choosing someone like him, despite his other good qualities. I know this is horrible of me to think this way, but physical attraction really is a big part of relationship. Or is it? Can you really love someone completely if you do not find him physically attractive? I have never gotten along with anybody as well as I do with him. And I can be so comfortable and just be myself when I'm with him. Is it stupid of me to even consider physical attraction as a factor? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): nope! physical attraction is VERY IMPORTANT
id only go out with him if you really feel attracted to him in some way but it doent need to be attractive
try him out.. but dont go in too deep you dont want to hurt his feelings if you decide your really not into him like that!
you could sort of help his looks take him shopping make suggestions help do his hair..
if you really love someone you will find them physically attractive even if you didnt at first sight
i met this guy ages ago who asked me out who had a weirdly shaped face that was far from a pretty boy look
my honestly shallow first impressions of him prevented me from accepting as i wasnt attracted to him physically at all even though he was a really nice guy and i liked his personality. he was heartbroken and agreed to just be friends.
we kept on seeing each other just as friends even though i have a bf so nothing went on between us that was more than just friends.
now its years later and were really good friends and hes got a gf but its weird because i truly dont find his weirdly shaped face ugly anymore in fact its kind of attractive and i might even feel for him if i didnt have a bf. i think in time because his personality is still so great its caused me to sort of stop seeing his bad parts and see him in an attractive light making him physically attractive.
sounds stupid but its true for me anyway!
id give it a try!
:)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): Put yourself in his shoes and imagine this lovely looking guy loved you for you but wasn't sure about the attraction-factor. Would you be motivated to really invest time and effort in your looks to win his heart completely? or would you be hurt? I think a guy who is average (not Brad Pitt etc :-) who makes the most of his looks and takes care of himself is attractive in itself. Give him a chance and maybe encourage him with a make-over shopping trip if he's up for it?! Is there one single thing that is attractive about him - his eyes, he has nice hair, his chest is muscular? He is confident? Is there something you can build on? My ex-husband is a really nice looking man but his personality was such a turn off that I could not bring myself to be close to him physically. For a long time I could not work myself out - what on earth was wrong with me? A lot of women would find him attractive but I could not act upon it. Attraction is a multi-faceted and complicated thing - we don't just have a checklist. You are only going to know if you try - the chemistry will either be there in that kiss or it won't. If you don't feel it when you have tried you can explain to him tenderly that you are concerned your feelings are not as you would hope and he deserves love from a woman who is 100%.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): Attraction is very important. I turned a guy down once because of his looks, mind you his personality wasn't the greatest. You could try going out on a date with him, see how that goes. But that could backfire if you don;t feel the same and it would hurt him. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (7 December 2008):
 As usual, "Tisha-1" has offered excellent advice that you can take to heart. If a young man's chance facial appearance is your greater measure of manhood, you should gently tell your longtime admirer that he should seek his love elsewhere. By all means, do so with kindness.
Instead, if you consider that the true measure of a man may be in his heart and mind, and not necessarily his physique or facial features, bide some time here. Do not consider what anyone else may think about an attractive young woman accompanying an average looking guy by comparison. What "they" think never matters, and their thoughts, if any, are fleeting. What matters is your friendship with a man who may turn out to be entirely worthy of your love because of his qualities as a man, and possibly much more. By the way, and I bear witness, many girls considered very pretty or cute in youth do not look all that good as the years go by - and it goes for the guys as well. Beauty is only skin deep and fleeting. A good heart can last a lifetime.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (7 December 2008):
 It is certainly not stupid of you to consider it. You pretty much have to feel some kind of attraction to him.
As an ugly guy who has been lucky enough to be involved with some really special looking girls, I'm glad to say that some girls have no problem getting over the looks issue but there has to be some other basis of attraction. My wife is completely out of my league looks-wise but she feels even more beautiful by comparison when she is standing next to me. She tells me that there is nothing that makes her slimmer and more lovely than standing next to a 290lb guy. However there still has to be physical attraction. In my wife's case she likes strength, she likes that I can carry her with one arm. I say that only to make the point that your best friend may not be a pretty boy (which will fade anyway) but if you cannot find something that is a physical turn on then it seems unlikely to be a success.
Give him a try, who knows, he may be a phenomenal lover :-)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2008):
 No, I don't think you're being stupid. You're being honest, which is good. Physical chemistry is part of a romantic relationship, not the ONLY part, but it is important.
That being said, are you neutral on his looks or is he truly unappealing to you? There can be changes, and some for the better.
There was this great looking guy in college; athletic star, tons of girls hanging all over him. His personality wasn't that great, to be honest, his ego was pretty big and he was pretty arrogant. At the 10 year reunion, he was fat and had lost most of his hair. Not so many of the girls were draped on him then.
And another of my friends who was always kind of average looking, well, I don't know what he did but he's definitely figured out how to maximize his looks. He works out, dresses really well and is immaculately groomed. His hair's going too, but somehow it doesn't detract from his appearance at all. Maybe it's because he has a great personality.
So before you dismiss him as a love interest, give him some time to grow on you, but don't keep him hanging around waiting for you for too long. If you're really not going to be able to find him attractive, you should let him know so that he can keep looking for a girl who will go for the whole package.
And don't feel so guilty about not finding him physically attractive. That you really can't help. Just don't be mean to him or lead him on.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, sparkleworks  +, writes (7 December 2008):
 I think here it's important to consider the difference between attraction and chemistry. There have been a couple of guys in my life, who I've _known_ weren't really much to look at, but I didn't really notice, if that makes any sense? When there's that spark there, you can become extremely attracted to someone who may not be labelled as physically attractive. (Vice versa, you can be with the most gorgeous guy in the world and not really feel a thing, as I'm sure you've also experienced).
The tone of your post makes me think that maybe you don't feel that chemical spark with him, and if that's the case than pursuing a relationship is really just a matter of choice. He's your best friend so you obviously know him pretty well and care a lot about him, and as you become more attracted to his personality, there's always the chance that the physical attraction could develop. So yes, it's entirely possible that the two of you could have an amazingly fulfilling relationship. And if that's the case, who cares about what other people think? If people wonder why you chose him, then you tell them, and if they don't accept that, then too bad. All that matters is that you're happy together.
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