A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So here's the situation. I started at a new school this semester (in September). It's a professional school so all the students in it range from about 22 to 26. Halfway through the semester, I met a guy and we really hit it off. We decided to start something purely physical.After the first couple times, we both developed feelings for each other. Despite our heavy studying schedule, we found a lot of time together. Things started getting more serious, he would ask me to stay and cuddle after we hooked up and the third time, he asked me to spend the night. He asked if we could be exclusive for the five weeks we were planning on hooking up (until holiday break) and I agreed. After a week we both admitted we didn't want to stop seeing each other.When we parted ways for Thanksgiving break, he texted me a few times when he was drunk but there wasn't much communication. I expressed a feeling of annoyance that he didn't respond to my texts until he was drunk and he apologized. He said texting wasn't his thing.During the time between then and a week before finals, things were good. We hung out a lot, were physical, talked about serious things, and casually brought up the future. He offered to come visit me in my state over the summer, he mentioned Valentine's Day (still three months away at that point), and even talked about traveling abroad one semester together. He said he felt like he could easily date me for the rest of the time in school. He kept telling me that he liked how smart, interesting, funny, caring, and attractive I was. He told me he loved waking up next to me and holding me. He felt twinges of jealousy when he saw other guys talking to me.Unfortunately, during finals, things got bad. To keep things short, he made plans with me and then didn't show up on three separate occasions with no text or call. He claims he didn't know they were "set in stone" and thought it wasn't a big deal. He did this to several friends as well. They complained to him about it as well. He said that communication isn't his strong suit. We had a serious conversation, he apologized and promised to get better. Then he did it the night before our holiday break. We made up the next day (the day I left) and I sent him a nice text that night. He didn't respond for days. We fought a lot about communication over break (he would make plans to call and then just not do it several times) and finally he ended it.He just got out of a four year relationship two months ago. Originally, that didn't bother me because it was supposed to be physical. Now he says he needs to be alone. He swears it's not me and that he's into me and thinks I'm great. He says it would have happened like this for anyone and he just wasn't ready for a relationship and this just happened. He admitted he thinks letting me go is a mistake but that he can't handle being "responsible for another person's emotions right now." I'm a very independent person and am low maintenance (I'm at a competitive professional school and got there by hard work and discipline) so I can't imagine I chased him off with demandsI'm afraid he won't come back when he's had enough alone time and he realizes it was a mistake because of how bad our fights were. He started most of them and says now he thinks it's because he needed to be alone and couldn't handle regular relationship stuff. He admitted he thinks he overreacted to me because of his previous relationship and that's why he was less patient here. It was a very bad relationship, according to himI want to get him back. Do you think I can? And if so, how? Just being his friend? How do I create a situation where he feels comfortable talking about it? How do I erase the weeks of fighting and convince him that things could be good? And how do I do all this while helping heal over being dumped when I didn't do anything wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think that you gave a lot of good advice and I'm slowly trying to accept that we probably aren't/shouldn't get back together. I've deleted his number out of my phone and blocked him on my facebook chat. However, he's doing semi-weird things like commenting on my statuses (albeit slightly mean comments). I'm nervous about having to go back to school and face him.
However, I do not like how black/white you portrayed what I was trying to do. I did not purposely try to get into a relationship with someone via a fwb situation. We were just supposed to have fun and unfortunately we fell for each other. I have enough sense to know that if I want someone for real from the beginning, that I should do it in a more conventional way.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 This is WAY too much of a mess for you to ever recover from I'm afraid.
It started off very badly when you decided it was just purely physical, so from the start this guy views you as just a bit of fun, someone for sex and not a lot else.
The you develop 'feelings' for each other, so your purely sex based relationship turns into something complicated, it never became a standard relationship but it was an exclusive physical relationship with some dating thrown in.
I think it is very clear this guy is nowhere near ready for a relationship, arguments or not. He is incapable of communiction which means the relationship will never work, regardless of how much you try. Adding to this he has admitted he had a bad break up so he sounds like he is not over that either. Then add to the mix he never wanted you as his girlfriend anyway (because it started as a physical relationship and never became truly 'official') - I dont think there is much hope I'm afraid.
You are now in danger of coming across as desperate if you dont back off. He stood you up, treated you pretty badly in general yet you are coming back for more, so he will see that no matter what he does to you, you will let him walk all over you and come back for more.
He clearly likes you and thinks you are great, but he is not ready for a relationship and he never wanted a relationship right from the start. You are wasting your time if you think you can ever get this guy to want a relationship with you, all you can ever be is FWB because that is how the relationship began. FWB NEVER becomes a real relationship, because the guy cannot take the girl seriously after she gives herself away (physically) so easily. Sorry to be so crude but no man wants to take his f**k buddy back home to meet his mom, the FWB girl is not long term girlfriend material. She is a bit of fun, a nice attractive girl to spend time with before he moves onto someone he does take seriously.
I know he said a lot of nice things about you, but he equally never made this into an offical relationship (all he ever said was he could date you for the rest of time in school - not 'forever') and he clearly isnt ready for anything serious. He got out of a bad, long term relationship 2 months ago, all you could ever be is a rebound in such a short space of time.
He will take at least a year to get over his ex properly, so unless you want to wait around for at least a year I suggest you move on. If you hang around, being all nice to him in the hope he will want you back you will look desperate, and he wont ever want you as a girlfriend anyway because you were just the FWB rebound.
All you can do is distance yourself from him, you clearly like him a lot more than he likes you so ideally you need to go cold turkey with this guy, no contact and try and avoid seeing him as much as possible. If you try and keep him as a friend you will always have alterior motives behind your friendship as you will always hope to get him back, when that clearly isnt going to happen. Go through this as you would any other break up, yes it hurts so you need time to be upset and time to move on. Treat him as you would any other ex, be sad for a while and then get over it - this was only a short term physical thing that went wrong so you shouldnt be hung up on him for too long.
And learn your lesson from this - if you want a serious relationship with someone follow these rules:
- Never get into a FWB with someone you might develop real feelings for as they wont take you seriously after you give yourself away so easily
- Never consider dating anyone that is freshly out of a long term relationship, you are always going to be the rebound. Make sure they have been single for at least 6 months
- If someone clearly cant communicate and stands you up, then they are emotionally incapable of a relationship and you are wasting your time with them
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