A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was a friend to my ex for a year before he discovered that his wife had betrayed him and they proceeded very quickly to end the marriage. Of course, he ran to me as a shoulder to cry on and, slowly, things developed into more after the divorce. Both of us were well aware that the whole situation reeked of rebound, but we couldn't help our feelings, and things just snowballed into a really great, loving and fun relationship. Said relationship lasted for 10 months, just around the time when I was starting to relax and let my guard down, thinking that maybe this thing could be past the "danger zone" of a rebound relationship. He told me again and again that he loved me, always made efforts to see me and to make plans, we always had the most fun when we were together, we chatted online or via text all day, and he told me that I was the best thing in his life.Meanwhile, he'd gotten some job opportunities in another city about five hours away, and he decided to follow through with interviews because the jobs were too good to pass up. We didn't really discuss a long distance relationship at length (why worry about it until there was an offer, I thought), but he had mentioned that he wasn't very good at them. Also, he'd picked up cycling and began training for long cycling events. He found a group to ride with on weekends in preparation for a big, week-long tour ride for charity. Little did I know the group was comprised of all women. I didn't find that out until a week before the big ride. Still, I played it cool. I'm not one to suspect anything or be the jealous type.After he returned from the tour, he was acting a little bit distant. I finally confronted him and he told me that he didn't think that he was able to love me as deeply as I deserved to be loved, and that he needed to figure himself out and to really heal from the whole divorce. He wanted to remain friends, and, at first, i told him that I could not do that, and he sobbed uncontrollably. Of course, my willpower wasn't so good and, after about a week, I was responding to his emails texts and chats.About two weeks after we broke up, I saw that one cycling buddy gal was posting quite a bit on his FB page and he admitted he spent time (not one on one) with her, but he said it basically meant nothing and saw her as more of a friend than anything else. He said he felt guilty even hanging out with her so soon after the break up.It's been about six months since all of this happened and he has since moved away. He continues to be very supportive and close, and I am the only person in his life that he tells everything to. We still talk several times a week and see each other at least once a month, either in his city or mine. I've tried to keep things very platonic, but the physical attraction and chemistry is so thick at times that you can cut it with a knife. We have spent the holidays together, and, he does things like make excuses to touch me, or to sit near me. When I was leaving the last time, he stood facing me, almost touching with his feet standing on my feet, a playful flirtatious grin on his face. I didn't do anything except push him playfully away.I also have gotten out there and gone on dates, so I'm not sitting around waiting for him, but I cant' help that I'm still in love with him. I know that people are going to scream, "NC" at me but I really do value the friendship and want to keep him in my life. What it comes down to is, either I find a way to stop loving him, or I have to hold on and suffer, waiting for that day when he might "wake up" and realize that we're each other's match and he can't live without me.ALSO, it appears that this cycling buddy has family in his city, so she heads up there every so often--each time they've gotten together. It's clear that she's way into him from her constant FB posts and her insistence on seeing him every time she's there, but I don't know what he thinks about her at this point. I am very careful and try not to ask.I would really love advice from people who have had a rebound relationship (as in they were the one rebounding)--Is there ever any chance of turning the rebound relationship into a real one, after the rebounder has had time apart to process everything, or is there no hope? Give it to me straight. I'm all ears.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, the one thing, I guess, that separates this from a regular rebound was that we were together for almost a year. And, during that time, I continued to check in with him, just to make sure that everything was okay, that he still felt okay about being in a relationship with me. He told me he still wanted to be with me, that I was the best thing in his life, all the way up until about a month before the ride, when the job interviews started coming up, and he started riding a lot with these other women.
And, even after his move, he's still wanted to keep me close and says that I am an important part of his life. He has said he often wonders whether he should have given the relationship more time. I have been the one to say that I didn't want to rehash things until he was sure. So, here we are.
I know that I am in danger of being the fallback girl, the good ol' steady shoulder to cry on while he looks around for something closer at hand. I am pretty sure that I just need to keep moving on and to make myself less available to him so that I can heal, and he can find someone else to rely on. It's probably better for both of us if I just move on and quit hoping he'll suddenly want me back. If he hasn't in the past six months, he won't ever.
A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 I rebounded once from a 3 year relationship with a friend i'd been talking to for around a year, we got into a relationship almost immediately after i had split up with the ex because i needed something or someone to concentrate on.(He asked me out knowing full well that i had just got out of a longterm relationship.) He fussed over me and everything was great until i started talking to another guy a couple of months later and thats when i realised my rebound was over, and i dropped the boyfriend like a hot potato and never looked back.I never actually got with the new guy but seeing him as i did made me realise i never really did have any feelings for the boyfriend, as horrid as it sounds, he was just there for my convinience until i was ready to see other people seriously. He temporarily filled the emotional gap of the ex, if you will.So from my rebound experience, you're probably best not holding onto the past, rebounds rarely have any other meaning than to help one get over another.However hard it is, move on, if you want to remain close friends, you need to cease contact for a while to manage your own feelings and snuff out any intimacy that is left, now YOU need to figure yourself out and heal from this relationship.Good luckxx
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