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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend lied to me for THREE YEARS about his porn use. Don't get me wrong, I know he wanks. He's told me so, and he had even shown me the website he used (a very well known free amateur site). Now here's the thing: he told me he didn't like masturbating to soft core images or videos of women (like Playboy shots and stuff), because they didn't do anything for him. That he had to watch videos in which people were having sex and see the acts in order to get turned on.For some reason, I was completely fine with him watching these videos of people having sex, no matter if they were plastic looking Barbies, or if the sex was freakishly hardcore. But it made me feel ok that he was looking at it "for the acts".Well, now I discovered he's been wanking to soft core images of impossibly beautiful women. I feel like shit. I WILL NEVER look like that. When we have sex and it takes him a while to cum, he usually shuts his eyes, or will make me change positions into doggie style... does he not want to see my face? My small boobs? Am I that repulsive?I understand he probably kept this from me in order not to hurt my feelings, but he hurt them 2x because he also lied! I have lied about things I did in my past (ie. when I wasn't even with him) and he has given me such a hard time for these 3 years because I'm the liar and he's the good guy and he's been lying all along, about a thing he's been doing WHILE he's with me? This turns me off sex, I feel so insecure and don't want to show him my body because apparently it's not as good as the ones that these Scandinavian busty teenagers have... me being a short brunette with huge thighs and small, tiny tits well, it doesn't make me feel good, I feel like shit and not sexy to him. It's obviously that he gets turned on by these women, not by "the acts" as these pictures are soft core. And now he's angry at me... why is he angry if he's the one that had been lying all this time... I never masturbate to pictures of other men, it does nothing for me, I only masturbate thinking of him... he turns me on and he's more than enough for me sexually and phisically... why am I not? Am I truly that repulsive that he needs to see women who're different than me in order to orgasm? And why does he always have to finish with his eyes closed or when we're doing it doggie style so he won't see my face?Should I break up with him so he can go find a busty blonde? He tells me "I love you" but that's not enough to soothe my hurt feelings, and frankly I don't know if I'll ever get over this since it feels like betrayal.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (26 January 2010):
Men are visual creatures. That's the way we are hard wired. There are shapes to a womans body that we find sexy.
There are, however, a few things that most women don't get.
First, there is the fact that almost any guy will find very "plain" looking females very sexy in even a state of semi-undress. Small breasts, large thighs, and some poink and jiggle do not really detract from that anywhere near as much as you are afraid they might.
Second, there is the fact that when we look at images in a magazine or on a computer screen, those images have to compete with the real 3-d image we have in our mind of our incredibly sexy girlfriends! How in hell could a picture turn us on anywhere near enough to get over the top when we've got recent memories of actually having sex with a real live woman? The only way is to overexaggerate the attractiveness of the image. biology tells us that men are programmed - hard wired to find an hourglass figure, with round hips and bottom, thin waste, and large breasts attractive. These are the hallmarks of a fertile and fit mother, and they are the cues men still look to in evaluating the attractiveness of a potential mate. However, in order to come anywhere near being good enough as an image or picture, these traits have to be so exaggerated as to be quite UNATTRACTIVE if encountered in real life!
Third, is the very real truth of the fact that most men wouldn't want one of those busty scandanavian teenagers, even if shge were hot to trot. There's a significant level of discomfort that comes from several fronts. For example; "I'm afraid I'd break her" is true. So too is"what would someone like -me- ever do that someone like -her- wouldn't laugh at. Men are both intrimidated by, and afraid to really relax and let loose with these impossibly "perfect" barbie dolls. They're great to look at, but not to actually do anything with.
You have nothing to worry about. Seriously. If you are feeling unattractive and insecure, that's a problem you are going to have to settle within yourself. It is neither his responsability to provide you with those feelings, nor is it healthy for you to seek them from him. You need to learn to have that confidence and awareness of your own sexual self if you expect him to be at all attracted to you.
I understand that this sort of thing can be a shocking blow to your ego, however, I think you need to realize that he got together with you for reasons that were his own. Among those will very likely be that he thought you were sexy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Hi
Maybe he never told you because he was trying to save you feeling upset-men's minds work differently to ours-he probably never saw those beautiful woman and wished he was with them or anything like that. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or feel attracted to you.
You need to tell him how you feel about yourself now and also about your worries with him not looking at you when he finishes, he might not even realise he does it and once you tell him might make an effort change.
If you make all the effort possible, and he does in return also, then you might feel that you two can work it out. Or you could try and give it your best shot to work it out and if you try your best and decide to leave, you will know that you did everything possible but his mistake was just too much for you to take.
Take Care x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): No offensive but you need to grow up and realise most men will wankover any thing slightly erotic!! My ex Hubby even had a wank over the fat old nurse cleaning his dick b4 he had his tubes tied!!That's blokes, just do the same when he comes home be wanking over a picture of a Chippendale or something!!
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A
male
reader, zedd +, writes (25 January 2010):
Have you tried talking to him about this? I would suggest you get some sexy lingerie or do something else that turns him on and makes sex more exciting and see if he behaves the same way, maybe he got bored with the same sex-routine after these years. Make sex a special occasion, not something you always do before you go to sleep and then he will want you more.
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