A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I like this guy and I was pretty sure he liked me back, until he made out with this girl we know at a party. I was obviously quite hurt and walked home, and when he realised I'd left, he ran after me. We had a fight, and I ended up pushing him and running for it.The next day, he apologised to me profusely, saying he had no idea why he did it, he doesn't like her, and he promises it will never ever happen again. My best friend rang him the day after the party, and apparently he told her he felt really awful about it all and didn't mean to hurt me, he had no idea I liked him. She asked him if he liked me back, and he said that he does, but he doesn't want a relationship.I'm good friends with his best friend, who I was hanging around with today. I asked him if what my friend told me was right, and he said he'd said exactly the same thing to him.His ex-girlfriend, his first and only girlfriend, really hurt him. She'd dump him every few weeks so she could get with other guys, and then get back with him. Eventually she told him if he didn't sleep with her she'd break up with him, so he did. He wasn't ready, and as soon as they'd slept together she left for good. That was almost five months ago now, and I'm pretty sure he's over her. I was just thinking maybe he doesn't want a relationship because he's scared of getting hurt again. Or maybe he doesn't want to risk our friendship by getting involved?He's a year younger than me, if that helps anything at all.What do you think? Should I try and show him that I would never hurt him like she did? Or should I just leave it be?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 Talk to him to see where you two really stand. What I'd do if you want to have some sort of relationship beyond friend and liking each other is to tell him that 1. you're not the girl that hurt him. 2. no rush, maybe begin by having dinner, or going to a movie together. And take it really really slow. Even if you feel the desire to try moving things a bit faster, hold back and allow him to guide the speed.
He was with someone I'd refer to as a "witch". Someone who manipulates to get what they want. He was a piece of meat to her. A dog on a chain. But in a way, he allowed it because he didn't kick her to the curb when she first started her little games. I hate to say it, but I feel sorry for any guy who crosses her path. But I also feel sorry for her too. People aren't naturally that cruel to others. They develop into this monstrous behavior. If the age you posted is correct, then I'd assume she's a young teen as well? If so, I'd assume she's has some major trauma in her past, such as child abuse or sexual abuse, either inside the family or outside the family. It doesn't give her the right to treat someone else that way, but does give reason to why she's developing into a she devil. You've heard where people say, "the abused then becomes the abuser." And it's not intended, it's treating someone else in the manner of how she views herself. He wasn't worth much, because she didn't see herself as being worth much. Which is why she'd leave to be with other guys, then return. In a way it's a self destructive way of crying out.
Okay, enough about her. A lot of the time, I work with traumatized victims, because of its complex nature, and my compassion to help people see light outside the pain. He has been traumatized to a certain extent by her. Probably prayed each time she came back that she wouldn't leave again, but when the mind is run off turmoil..... So I'm sure he has fear. Maybe about ruining your friendship. Maybe it's a fear that you'll leave too. In this case, from what you said, it's not his fault. However, when you're the one who's being left behind, part of that makes you wonder if it is. What you did to make her leave. And why you're not good enough that she would have stayed. So if he were to give this a shot, either now or at some point, know it's going to be slow. As he begins trusting you'll be there, he'll slowly remove the blocks that's causing him to be reluctant now.
At some point, if he does take this chance. Share with him what I told you about her. He needs to forgive her for what she did, and himself for playing back into it over and over again. It'd be a great help to his recovery. Someone like that, she could have been with the best looking, smartest, coolest, wealthiest, funniest, and most caring all wrapped up into one guy, and she would have still done the same.
I hope this helps. If it doesn't come about now. Be the best friend you can be, and maybe in doing so he'll at some point that a chance based on that. Take care.
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