A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,Me and hubby have been together 7yrs and married for 3. We have a 4 yr old daughter..He has been talking to women who he has friended from social media. He doesn't know any of them. But to some he will start talking in a way kind of like he's trying to get them to like him. I wouldn't have know this if I wouldn't have checked his phone one day... Yes yes I know being his wife I'm supposed to trust him. But I just had a feeling. He tells me that it doesn't matter who he talks to because it is all fantasy life. I don't know how to think of this or what to do. He tells me that he thinks they are stupid girls and he doesn't care about them it's just something he does for "entertainment " to get his mind away from his job. He says that driving a city bus is very hectic and people treat him and talk to him any kind of way and that by conversating with these girls it gets his mind off his work. I have told him I want him to stop that because I didn't like and was very uncomfortable with what he was doing. One night we got into a heated argument and in a moment of rage he booked a flight to go away for a week end by himself.. Not only a week end by himself but a weekend to the country where the women that he is talking to live. When he told me about the trip I was angry and he then went on to tell me that it would be expensive to change the flight and we need some time away from each other and that this trip might be good for us. He then made me a promise that if I allow him to take the trip he promises to delete his social media pages which also means stop talking to those women. I didnt give him an answer, nor do I know what to tell him. Please give me your opinion in this case. Looking forward to you guys response.... :) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Senasiela  +, writes (12 May 2016):
It's very rare that I have nothing else to say but RUN!!!
In a way, this is one of the most messed up situations I've heard of, mostly because his thinking, and even yours, are just insanely peculiar...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2016): Let him go to the country, and you book yourself a new life .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2016): I was with a man like this, you need to get out. Shifting blame, lying, being selfish. They never change.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 April 2016):
 He is feeding you a lot of BS and you are enabling him.
First , if he gets so stressed out driving a city bus, what should all the guys say who are firemen, policemen, E.R. doctors, stockbrockers, prison guards, cab drivers and tons of other high stress jobs and professions. While I doun't doubt that there will be cheating husbands in any kind of job and profession, and maybe MORE in the high stress ones,... it is also true that it's not mandatory to fight stress by cheating or carrying on emotional affairs. Lots of people choose to de-stress by going to the gym, walking in the park, reading a good book, petting their dog,... ( or making love to their wife ) etc.etc.
It's not that your husband NEEDS this kind of entertainment against work burn-out. It's a choice he makes because he is vain, selfish and uncommitted.
Second, I frown on principle on a married man with a young child ( and without a huge income, I guess, if he drives a bus ) who takes money off his family to spend it on hedonistic goals just for himself. Where are YOU ( and your daughter ) going while he is taking is little jaunt abroad ?
Of course there are individual needs, exceptions to any rule.... so let's suppose he may actually need, and benefit from, a few days by himself far from home.
Cool- but he needs to talk to you, and to inform you before he books the flight, not after. A married man can't just up and go spur of the moment, and do the fuck he wants whenever he wants. He should have stayed single if he wanted that, now he got married, the rules have changed, he knows it very well and yet tries to fiddle with them taking advantage of your gullibility.
In short : my opinion is that he already disrespected you enough JUST by coming up with his little scheme, - even if the trip should never become the occasion for getting into no-good. And that you should put your foot down and say a firm : heck no, buster.
That would not solve the root problem of your husband looking for attention in the wrong places by the wrong means, and tbh I have no idea if you will be able to make him stop and restart your relationship on a different footing and at a deeper connection level. I hope so and I wish you the best.
But in the meantime, and regardless of what may happen in the future, heck no, don't let him make a fool out of you. If he wants to screw you over, it must be without your permission and cooperation !
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (26 April 2016):
"He said that I don't give him enough attention and that these girls pay him attention but not to think that he will ever do anything with them"
OP he's trying to make you believe that this is your fault and it sounds like it's starting to work. Please see sense here and realise that if he had an issue with how much attention he is getting from you then he needs to work with you to fix that. Not other women. Although frankly OP I think you could wait on him hand and foot 24/7 and it wouldn't be enough in his eyes. Plus what's next, 'you didn't give me enough sex so I had to find it elsewhere'? That's not a huge stretch from what he's saying to you right now.
"He says that if he really wanted to be with someone else he doesn't have to look for a person in another coin he can get someone near by.. In other words that he doesn't have to go far to be with another woman if that's what he really wanted to do."
What sort of husband actually says that to his wife? He's deliberately wearing you down and making you feel like you should be grateful for even the tiniest scraps of love or effort from him. His so called defence is effectively him saying that he wouldn't go to all that effort to cheat because he could just hook up with anyone locally. Not that the idea of cheating repulses him, or that he'd never hurt you like that. No, it's that he could do it any time any place. Which is his way of making you worry that he will so you're less likely to rock the boat and tell him how you really feel.
I think this guy is manipulative and controlling and I'd be out the door in a heartbeat if my husband was acting the way yours is. However I don't think you're going to leave him. The only other thing you could do is try to show him what it's like. Not by talking to other men on by social media as that would make you no better than him, but make him worry. Start dressing nicer, going to the gym and going for nights out with your friends and leaving him to babysit. The change just might shock him into thinking you're preparing to leave him, but to be honest, while I think it might get his attention I don't think it will stop his behaviour because he clearly thinks he's entitled to act this way.
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female
reader, miss frank +, writes (26 April 2016):
This is no different to him online dating behind your back... Do you not see this? He sounds manipulative, and able to condition you to a point where you question yourself as to weather you are over reacting.
You aren't. His behaviour is deceitful, cheating and disrespectful.
It's so hard to end a relationship I know, but thus sounds over.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (26 April 2016):
 If its entertainment he is looking for-get an XBOX man. I believe he is well out of order to expect you to understand and accept that his behaviour is ok. Fantasy is a thought, imagination- his chatting is an action. He will tell you whatever, that they are stupid, ugly, fat for the purpose of dulling down the very threat of his intentions. A piss poor attempt to give you a false sense of security and further insult to your intelligence. I find if a difficult to believe that this so called holiday was a spur of the moment idea. To be far more concerned with loosing a sum of money for cancelling the trip in favour of loosing his wife and marriage specks volumes.
"He then made me a promise that if I allow him to take the trip he promises to delete his social media pages which also means stop talking to those women."
Dictating the terms of his cheating-thats all that is IMO. He has no intention of making this commitment to you regardless of your PROMISE to him. The only PROMISE he should be concerned about is his Promise to up hold his wedding vows. Personally, I'd let him go and while he's away get crack-a-lacking into protecting your finances or joint accounts etc, pack all his shit up and kick his sorry arse out of your life. You and his relationship should remain VERY separate to that between him and his daughter so be mindful of him using her to further manipulate you into living a life to the beat of HIS drum. Good luck
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 April 2016):
 OP, he could cheat with the next door neighbor for sure, but you would no doubt find out. The girl in another country? How would you know what went down? He could even tell you they didn't meet up and you would be none the wiser.
Obviously, you have chosen to suck it up and play his games. And that is WHAT it is to him. A game. Testing to see what he can get away with.
Good luck.
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female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (26 April 2016):
 Hi,
your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman and other women behind your back and if you'd never caught him out, he'd never have told you, which makes his overall behaviour even worse.
Do not make excuses for him and i have to seriously question your naivity and tolerance.
He used going away, to the best of his ability and decided to take off whilst you got upset with him, so this is his lame excuse to get away from you.
He took full advantage, of a weak moment in your marriage.
The truth hurts i know, but the truth here is, your husband is playing you for some kind of fool and he is behaving in the most disrespectful way ever, period!
He is not your friend, lover or hang out buddy, he's your HUSBAND & you are his WIFE! Seriously!
If you meant the absolute world to him and if he was totally committed to you, i know he wouldn't do what he's doing and to admit to you, that he talks to other women, to get work off his mind, plus all of lifes daily stresses, is utter garbage.
Guess what?
He should in these moments of wanting to get his mind off work, etc;, be focusing on YOU & YOUR CHILD, not OTHER WOMEN!
Very cheap and poor excuse, on his part and you appear to be buying into it to some degree.
I agree with a previous reader. Think seriously about hiring a private detective to follow him and see what he gets up to with other women behind your back.
This will cost you money, sure, but at least you'll have concrete evidence of what he's doing and if he is lying to you, which i am certain he is, then you'll have all you need as firm evidence.
He gets upset with you when you mention anything, because he has within him, his own guilty conscience and he uses his anger, touchiness and his self defense as a way to avoid his own wrongdoings and avoid discussing his behaviour with you.
Your marriage ought be sacred and he is not taking his marital vows seriously at all.
Many couples have issues, but that doesn't give everybody carte blanche to just do whatever the hell they like, within their respective relationships/marriages.
You must not accept, tolerate, nor put up with your husbands shananigans.
He is living a life of ridiculous fantasies and now he is going one step further, he is going to meet in person, one of these women.
This could be very dangerous for you and your marriage i'm sorry to say.
He is putting you in the BACK SEAT, not the FRONT, no matter which way you look at it and yes, you're getting the shorter end of the stick unfortunately.
The worst part is, he is blackmailing you, by saying that if you let him go on his trip, he'll stop what he's doing.
I say, RUBBISH!! He will not stop what he's doing. If anything, he will continue to do it, because it's now quite addictive, habitual and he obviously enjoys and wants to do it.
Your husband is a con artist who is lying to you and appears to have no conscience.
Perhaps you may even need to find yourself a good Lawyer, just incase your worst nightmare comes true, once he returns.
I wish you all the best and let us know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2016): HiSo sorry, this sounds horrible for you. Just my tuppence worth, but I know that some men will create an argument so they can leave the house in a huff, thereby leaving themselves free to go out and see some other woman that they're seeing. You said that there was an argument and in a fit of rage, he booked a flight. That sounds like a very poor excuse to book a flight, but probably the only excuse he could think of. He needed some reason to tell you he had booked a flight. A little bit like creating an argument so he could leave to see someone else. I don't think I've put that very well. Hope it makes sense. He certainly seems as if he is making lame excuses for going away. And holding you to some kind of 'reward' if he goes i.e. deleting his pages. I doubt he will do this when he returns anyway. It's all so he can leave and do what he wants. Sorry. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 April 2016):
 This is not fair. He's spending on money on a "fantasy life" when it should go to you and your child. I would not bother talking to him. I would save all his social media messages, hire a private investigator to go to his hotel and take videos of him and those girls. These will be useful for getting the most out of alimony you deserve when you talk to a lawyer.
What a way to wreck his life. He's gambling too much on fantasy. If I were you, I wouldn't even say, don't go there, or else. . . I would just wait for the evidence then divorce him.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 April 2016):
 Here is my suggestion, if there is nothing in it and he doesn't view his actions as cheating, ask him for the contact details for the woman he is going to visit, so that you and she are both on the same page.
He is cheating on you, emotionally for now, and if he goes to meet this other woman, sex with very much be on the menu for both of them.
As for changing or cancelling the flight being too expensive, ask him if he is willing to put such a small dollar value on your family and marriage. That is going to be the true cost if he goes.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 April 2016):
Here is my suggestion, if there is nothing in it and he doesn't view his actions as cheating, ask him for the contact details for the woman he is going to visit, so that you and she are both on the same page.
He is cheating on you, emotionally for now, and if he goes to meet this other woman, sex with very much be on the menu for both of them.
As for changing or cancelling the flight being too expensive, ask him if he is willing to put such a small dollar value on your family and marriage. That is going to be the true cost if he goes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2016): Hello and thanks for the response. I understand were your coming from. Other than that our marriage is ok. It's not like he has stopped being intimate with me or anything. He said that I don't give him enough attention and that these girls pay him attention but not to think that he will ever do anything with them. He says that if he really wanted to be with someone else he doesn't have to look for a person in another coin he can get someone near by.. In other words that he doesn't have to go far to be with another woman if that's what he really wanted to do..
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 April 2016):
 I feel sorry for you and your daughter, this is not the way a husband is meant to behave. I agree that it is okay for him to talk to women, but the thing with this is that these are strangers, and he is obviously looking for something from them, if he felt they where stupid why would he bother with them, it sounds to me like he is looking elsewhere, has everything else in your marriage been okay recently or have you both drifted apart?
The fact that he was hiding this from you, and you had a gut feeling, tells me that you know he cannot be trusted, emotional cheating is what he is doing. No matter how many excuses he comes up with his behavior is still wrong. If he needs to take his mind off work then why not turn to you or your daughter and give you both attention? Sorry but his excuses would not work for me and you should not let him walk all over you, you where suspicious to begin with so do you even trust him as a husband?
You asked him to stop, and he said he would after you let him go on this trip, does he actually think you could be able to trust him away on his own? Surely he should be apologizing for talking to these women and trying to win your trust back, but it sounds like he is putting himself first. If it was me I would walk out the door and not return. He will more than likely be unfaithful and if you stay with him you will never trust him, not alone that but you could catch something from him if he is sleeping around. This break away will not do you good it will make you more paranoid. The best thing you can do is tell him it is your marriage or him going away and chatting to other women.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2016):
Honestly?
I'd pack my stuff and the child stuff and be gone the week-end he is gone.
He is USING other women as entertainment and taking you for granted and when you told him it isn't OK, he BOOKED a week-end away from you in punishment? Seriously? Since when will him going off visiting one of these women make you relationship better?
So in order for him to stop doing what he is doing (emotional cheating ) YOU had to AGREE to "let" him go?
My guess is he has ALREADY set up that week-end with the UNSUSPECTING woman who thinks he cares for her and that he is single or whatnot. So he is going there not to hang out and pal around but to make the "fantasy" real.
I don't even know where to start with that. HOW is that even logical? Why are you taking this kind of CRAP from a man who made a vow to you?
We have have limits and boundaries, YOU have to figure out where YOU draw the line. Me personally? This would be a total no-go. I would in no uncertain terms let him know that IF he goes, SO do I and that divorce will be next on the list. And I do NOT take divorce lightly.
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