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female
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anonymous
writes:Hi I hope you can help me. I have been with my partner for over 3 years now. We've had our differences but we love each other very much.His job involves alot of travel, but its normally in the same country so he is normally home at weekends. A couple of months ago he was sent to new caledonia and he was gone for 2 months. it was so difficult as we had hardly any contact but the money was good. When he came back he said he would never go there again.Well, we have just arrived back from holiday and now he's been asked to go again for 3 months this time. We have had a huge row over this, he wants to do it for the money I think he doesn't love me enough to stay and have said I will finish it with him if he leaves. I don't know what to do now, some advice would be great.ThanksL
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): Hi ms anonymous,
I think the two aunts below have giving you some very understanding and brilliant advice. At the end of the day it really is a question about love and commitment. You don't want him to leave you for a couple of months, so you are ready to leave him forever. That sounds insane to me, but hey it's your life. Your guy sounds like a hard worker who has a good head on his shoulders. He doesn't want to go away to get money, but for you both he's willing to lie in bed every night so you can both live good. If you don't want him going away to earn money, why don't you help him and get rich yourself. Study while he's away, get a better education for yourself then you can get a high paying job. Take a second job to keep yourself busy. Sit down and plan with him how you both can make more money and keep him at home. Don't leave him yet, let him go away, and when he comes back with the money, save it up, leave cheaply and make the money last so he doesn't have to do this again. Partnerships should be about standing side by side and helping people. He's bringing home money for you, what else do you do except scream and shout? Dump him if you wish, but your next partner may not be as nice as this one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): If you see this as being a regular thing and YOU know you couldn't handle it, then yes you have a right to give him a choice, you or the money. But if this is going to be the last time he does it? I don't know, money can be very tempting. But It's your life, you know what you can or cannot take.
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female
reader, Midge  +, writes (23 September 2008):
 My boyfriend travels away a lot for a living. He is usually gone for about 6 months at a time, then home for a week, possibly two, then away again. Contact is sometimes limited but when we do get to talk, we try and make every minute count.
Its not easy, and its certainly not easy to keep a relationship going when you have needs and wants. My boyfriend too goes for the money.
We have been together 10 years, and he has been doing this for 7 of the 10, so trust me is can work if you both want it to. You have to be patient as much as it kills you. You want to be with him and thats a natural feeling, but you have to learn to make do with the little time you have knowing that its not forever!
I know he doesnt want to go, but does because the money is good and he is a provider. Even though we dont live together he is trying to make a life for us, for when we do get the opportunity to settle down and have a family.
Depending on how long your relationship has been going for, and how strong your relationship is, will depend on whether its worth giving it a go. It also depends on how long he is planning to accept these jobs. Is he gonna do it for 2 years, 5 years or 10 years?
If its going to be 5 or 10 years, then possibly consider your options and discuss them with him. Dont call it a day because things are getting difficult. This is what makes a relationship. Getting past the bad times.
You need to sit and think about what you want, and ask him the same question. If its different things you want, then perhaps parting ways is the best option. If you want the same thing, and his job is in the way, find out how long he is prepared to accept these jobs and then sit down and think about whether or not you are prepared to put up with it, knowing that at the end of the job, you will be financially stable?
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female
reader, abbeymom  +, writes (23 September 2008):
 Okay men are from mars women are from venus. Men like to provide. They like to make sure they can take holidays, buy toys, have things and give to their families. They aren't all jerks.
However, if I were you in this situation I could completely understand the situation. Relationships yes are about compromise and trust and willingness to give if your partner is taking on something new or going places. Sometimes we have to decide how much support do we give?
There is your answer. If you love him enough to support him doing this because the money is important to him. You are good to carry on with this.
However money isn't everything. We all work and work, take time away from our families and strive to have what we want which means having money.
Or does it?
Neither my husband or I work. Money we don't have. We have the basics and let me tell you we are happy. We are only on this planet for a short time. Why not enjoy each other while we are here.
Sit down with him and find out what his priorities are. Why is the money so important to him? Does he like the travel? Does he like getting away? Explain how difficult it is for you when he leaves (not angrily or accusing) just how it makes you feel, though you understand it's for work.
Perhaps you can compromise somehow. No woman likes to be alone months at a time, but there are those who do it. Wives of soldiers for instance.
You have to decide what is right for you hun. What you want. It comes down to breaking up with him because you will happier without dealing with him being gone for a short time. Or being miserable because he will be gone forever if you so choose to leave him.
Nobody can really answer this for you except you. Take some time to think about it. If communicating with him verbally causes a fight. Write it down in a letter. Tell him you want him to understand your feelings and to understand his.
Just remember the decisions we make must be good for ourselves. There's no point in you loving someone if you are compromising your own happiness. Because in reality then you are not really loving them at all, but resenting them instead for a decision you've made.
Good luck!
~ Abbeymom
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