A
female
age
30-35,
*organK
writes:When I first met my boyfriend of two years, he was really sweet and caring, affectionate and loving. But now we’ve been together a while, his horrible temper has emerged, he swears and punches walls etc when things don’t go his way. When we argue he’ll say sorry just to shut me up, then gets even angrier when I don’t forgive him immediately and will then carry on with the argument and get really spiteful, saying he hates me and couldn’t care less about what I feel. He never helps around the house, leaving it all to me, and when I ask for help with something he gets angry and goes on about me moaning. He is also really ‘vanilla’, he’s really not adventurous in our sex life and in fact, doesn’t seem especially interested in it. We have a lot of physical contact, cuddles, kisses, hand holding etc but he rarely wants sex. However, he does look at porn, which he lies about, doing it behind my back, which upsets me as I’d prefer he was at least honest with me. I understand porn is separate from emotion for men, but then why the interest in porn but lack of interest with me? These two things are pretty big to me, but I can’t just end it, we are living together and tied into a lease. I am also six hundred miles away from my home town, so I can’t just stay with my parents or a friend when things get bad. I don’t really know what to do.
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male
reader, sadandconfused1117  +, writes (13 October 2010):
sweetheart I dont know you or your boyfriend but I can tell you this with a temper like you say he has it is just a matter of time before he "ACCIDENTLEY" puts his hands on you. Now I could be wrong but with past experiences that I have seen with my own two eyes Im probably not.The big questions you have to ask yourself are 1.Are you in love with him or are you just comfortable and do not want to have to deal with the change in your life? 2.Are you willing to take the chance that he can control his temper enough to not hurt you one day? I promise Im not trying to scare you or break up a relationship but it sounds like he has issues he cannot handle himself.It is never any fun to end a relationship that has a length of time under its belt but it is also no fun to put yourself in a situation where you could end up getting hurt emotionally and or physically. I hope this will help you decide what to do and I promise you I will pray for you and your situation. but just remember one thing. If he never gets any help for his problems he will never have the chance to change. I wish you the best of luck in life and that things go the way God intended them to...
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 As far as I can read, you don't really want to stay in this relationship, and if it wasn't for the lease you would have ended it already? Then here is my advice:
You should move out. You have a contract but for how long is it, in who's name is it? If it is in your name, tell him he needs to move out and get another room-mate. Or if it is in his name, move out yourself and leave it to him to find a room-mate. Perhaps you can manage the rent alone until the lease is out?
I had a lease too once. We simply broke it off. If you leave before the lease says so often the landlord just keeps the deposit. And thats it, nothing else happens. Or what do you think will happen?
You are not trapped. If you want to leave you leave, and it will be a bumpy ride, but you can handle it. Talk to the landlord about how to proceed about moving out before the lease is out, if he will keep the deposit/how much of the deposit. Also check out your RIGHTS as a tenant. The tenants typically have far more rights than the landlord, it could very well be you have every right to move out whenever you please and get your money back too. Contract or no contract. And yes, study that contract as well and see what it actually says.
But, all of this is technicalities. None of it are any reasons for why to stay in a relationship. If we are talking about one or maybe two more months, fine, stay until the time is over. If we're talking 4-6 months or more, then get out. And deal with the consequences as they arrive.
People break up, it is a fact of live. No lease is aimed at keeping the woman trapped in an abusive relationship, at least no lease should. So do not feel trapped by it! Just get on top of what the consequenses would be should you leave, and deal with them. Nothing is impossible.
It is also possible to live together without being together. It will suck, not be ideal, and it will hurt, but it IS possible. And it is not forever anyway.
But whatever you decide, do NOT factor techincalities into the decision of whether to stay or not. Figure out if you actually want to be in the relationship based on how the relationship is going. Deal with the practical things after you have made your decision. Would you have wanted to be in this relationship if you didn't live with him? If the answer is no, then you know that the relationship is in essense over already.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Hi, your story is so like mine except I was aged 40 and old enough to know better. This was 18 years ago. When I met C hs was very loving, caring as well as incredibly handsome and i couldn't believe my luck that he wanted to marry me. It didn't take long for the other side to emerge and my life was lived around his moods, tantrums, selfishness and total indifference to me - like I wasn't there. I left him with nothing but a few belongings and started over. I won't say it was easy but looking back it was the best thing I did. Be brave because men don't change. Do you really want to live your life with a childish, selfish, bad-tempered man who will eventually wear you down so much that you will lose sight of who you are. You deserve better. Good luck. x
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 October 2010):
 He sounds like he's checked out. What I would recommend doing is looking for ways to get out. Look at what you have that is tying you to him, and then figure out how to start cutting those ties. For example, the lease. You may be able to find a subleasor for the remainder of the lease.
If you want to try to save the relationship, then you need to help him understand why you're upset and that he can't just blow this off. You also need to understand why he is so upset as his behavior is indicitive of underlying issues. The best way to do this is with a councelor so that you can both air out your issues in a neutral "safe" environment.
His porn use could be an indicator of a problem, since he is passing up on sex with you, however it may just be that he's sick of you. It's hard to want to have sex with someone who you are always fighting with so I wouldn't say his porn is an addiction without more info.
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