A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i need help! tomorrow i am going on my first date ever and i have no clue what to do! i am in some serious need of dating tips. for example, what are some topics i can bring up if things start to get awkward? What food should i eat? What should i expect on a first date in terms of physical contact? if you would answer these questions and even put your own tips out there i would greatly appreciate it! this is what i get for waiting until i am 20 to date lol Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (20 October 2010):
P.S. - It isn't exactly the same as your situation, but for a guy's perspective on the "first kiss" question, take a look at the thread "I wasn't her first kiss and I'm afraid I'll be compared to others!" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-wasnt-her-first-kiss-and-im-afraid.html .
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (19 October 2010):
Glad to hear it went well for you! That wasn't so hard, was it?
Now, the first kiss. And, I'll guess this is your FIRST, first kiss.
Well, do you WANT to be kissed? Or I should probably ask, "HOW do you want to be kissed?". It could be a perfunctory, purely social thing - or a more serious, "I'm attracted to you and want to spend more time with you" thing - or a more erotic thing, getting into sexual foreplay.
It's quite OK to be nervous - even a little fearful. Not ALL fear is bad fear.
Similar to the first date itself, I'll bet he's as nervous about the first kiss as you are. (Assuming, of course that he really WANTS to kiss you - and if he's asking for a second date, odds are that he does want to, or will in the near future.) You can make it easier for him, without "throwing yourself at him".
It could happen in the middle of a crowded dance floor, but most folks would prefer a little privacy or seclusion. The classic first kiss happens when you take her home, and walk her to the door. Or maybe just before you get out of the car. (By the way - I hope he DOES come to the door to meet you, greets your parents if you're living with them, and returns you to the door. If not - respectfully suggest that he should.)
As you say "Goodnight.", just face him. Touch him - gently resting your hands on his arms is fine, or it could be a full embrace. Tilt your head slightly up, look into his eyes, and allow your lips to relax and be slightly open. If he's ready, you WILL get kissed! (Conversely, keep your face straight ahead and avert your eyes if you're not really ready for kissing. That's OK.)
From there, it's a matter of "reading" each other's responses and reacting to them. It's OK to break it off after just a second or two - or to go on for longer, more kisses, open-mouth kissing, tongue play, etc.
If the first kiss becomes the second kiss, he will probably get an erection and will probably be embarrassed by it and try to keep you from finding out. Don't mention it. That's a natural response; it's ok if you're embarrassed, too, or you might be secretly pleased with yourself for causing it. It certainly does NOT "prove" that he "loves you", nor does it obligate you to do anything more than say, "It was a nice evening - I hope you call tomorrow!". (Likewise, about the 3rd or 4th kiss he may try to fondle you - and you will respectfully and gently, but firmly, move his hands away if you're not ready for that level of intimacy.)
Kissing is an art you can practice and learn together. It's a very pleasurable kind of lovemaking in its own right, and becomes part of the sexual foreplay you'll use when you're ready for a fully sexual relationship with your husband. The first girl I loved (when I was 18) taught me to kiss, and she was quite good at it. (Better, in fact, than my wife.) We never had sex, fondled, or saw each other naked - but she taught me how to express my desires, read my partner's and respond while making love. I think there's a lot to be said for couples who spend a lot of time - several months, even years - with the kissing, hugging, non-intercourse lovemaking. In the end they are probably better sex partners than those who get into full sex after only a few weeks of acquaintance.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (18 October 2010):
 Ah excellent...Seems he was a nervous one then. Just brush it off and embrace a kiss the second date. Do NOT spend all night worrying about it, it will all come to you naturally at the end of the night. A closed mouth kiss is appropriate, however if he doesn't let up then a little tongue is permitted.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe date went really well. he was a perfect gentleman and i had a good time. we are going on another date this saturday. now i just have to worry about the first kiss! he ended the other date with a hug but it was awkward... but anyway, thanks to all of you for helping me get through this!
...............................
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (14 October 2010):
Yes, PLEASE come back and tell how it went. Not for the benefit of those who took the time to respond, but for others who face a similar problem. EVERYBODY worries about their first . . .
I haven't had very many first dates, and I'm certain I was never with a girl on her FIRST, first date but here are my thoughts from the guy's side.
First, please don't get hung up on the "I'm 20 years old and never been on a date yet." idea.
I hope you have some prior acquaintance with the guy, and find his personality at least somewhat interesting or attractive.
Then, work at enjoying the time to the best of your ability. Yeah, that may be tough if he takes you to the drag races, but do your best - consider it "expanding your cultural experience". Somebody said the first date is like a job interview. I hope not! Job interviews are contrived, artificial, and overly serious. Well, OK, dating is sometimes artificial, too, but at least you can do your best to make it fun.
Certainly be yourself! Definitely DO NOT try be something you're not, or try to fit into whatever you think he expects you to be. Nobody likes a phony!
Take a look at the thread "Do guys stress about first dates?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-guys-stress-about-first-dates.html . Does that make you feel any better?
Don't worry a lot about the conversation thing. In fact, most guys are rather turned-off by girls who feel obliged to talk while they think of something to say. Rather than the cliche things like "Tell me about your family" or "What do you do at work?", try making meaningful comments about whatever you're doing. Things like, "Why didn't he throw the ball to this other player?", or "This photo looks a lot like Ansel Adams' black-and-white work.", or "This band seems to do a lot of covers of '90's stuff.", or "What do they mean by 'fair trade coffee'?".
In general, it's probably a good thing for him to know that it's your first-ever "date". (At least, it is if he's a gentleman of integrity and a good choice for a first, first date.) If you're REALLY brave, you might print out that "Do guys stress about first dates?" thread and ask him what he thinks of the comments. I will GUARANTEE that he'll remember your date - probably as something different and charming, with a unique girl!
Physical contact? He's got to uphold the stereotypical reputation of guys, so he'll at least try to put an arm around you, or hold your hand. Don't let it get to anything you're uncomfortable with. Remember, he's doing it at least in part because he thinks it's expected. If you gently and respectfully decline the touch - step away slightly, or put his hand back on his side of the table, for example - he should understand, and actually respect you for it, and may even be more attracted to you. The message you're trying to send is, "I'm not against being touched, but I'm not ready for that yet.".
And yeah, he'll probably try for a kiss. You actually have more control of this than you realize. You can encourage it - allow it - reduce it to the perfunctory peck-on-the-cheek - or decline it altogether. I have only kissed one girl on the first date (no, it wasn't my FIRST, first date) - and yes, she kissed back(!) - and we have been married (to each other) for over 36 years.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Be yourself, smile, relax and you'll do just fine. Keep us updated. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 October 2010):
Everyone pretty much summed it up, I'll add a few tips.
-Sit up straight, no slouching.
-share the conversation, don't drone on and on about you to where he doesn't get a word in, or if he does it to you then that is a sign that is your first and last date.
-talk about school, major and minor, and your aspirations, for more stimulating conversation. It couldn't hurt to brush up a bit on the current news, check out CNN.com. You never know if they'll ask that, plus you don't want to look like you've been living under a rock. Fun topics, shows you watched as a kid, concerts you've been to and the war wounds you've gotten from it, foods you've attempted to cook but were so bad even the dog wouldn't eat it, pet peeves, etc.
-Always keep gum or mints in your purse or clutch, have your breath at it's freshest just in case for that goodnight kiss. Chances are after dinner he'll ask you for a piece.
-Go to the bathroom at least once just to check your eyeliner, to make sure it hasn't migrated on your face. Nothing more embarrassing than your date pointing out your raccoon eyes.
- Wear natural makeup to highlight your best features...blush, base, mascara, eye liner, neutral eye makeup, and a clear lip gloss if you're not into colored.
-Spritz perfume on your wrists and neck..don't want to make him sneeze with too much.
-Hair styled however, but couldn't hurt to keep a brush in your purse to touch up on that one trip to the bathroom.
-Wear comfy shoes, I suggest flats that don't dig at your heel.
-Turn your cell phone off or on silent, nothing more rude than it ringing on a date, or being on it texting while your supposed to be focused on your date.
-Don't eat anything potentially messy, stay away from spaghetti or any long noodle that you twirl on your fork. I always manage to flick alfredo sauce on my shirt. Stay away from cheese burgers, buffalo wings, strips or any sandwich the sauce and juices can seep out on onto to your top. Go for small pasta, or chicken, steak, salad, chicken fingers, that you can cut up with your fork or pick up with your hand. Eat slow, don't wolf it down..when dinner comes conversation will cease a bit. Make sure you don't hold your fork like a dagger, and keep the cloth napkin in your lap. Dab the corners of your mouth every once in a while.
-Contact on the first date varies, maybe a little bit of hand holding if your in a movie or taking a stroll in the park, and maybe a little bit of accidentally but on purpose brushing up against each other, linking his arm with yours...you can always pull the classic shivering shoulders, getting his jacket or an arm around your shoulders. A kiss is usually at the end of the date..If the guy is too conservative or if your are, then a kiss isn't permitted on the first date. However, if neither of you are then brace yourself for a kiss or a hug. If he's a nervous one then you're getting a hug, but if not and you get a kiss that always told me he had a great time and I will be waiting for his phone call or text in the next 3 days. No kiss and he's not a nervous one, he goes the hug route instead that tells me I had a good time but I see us just as friends due to the lack of connection or chemistry...Don't get your hopes up for a call or text.
Welcome to the dating world!
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (13 October 2010):
 The best advice is for you to be yourself. Don't over-think everything. And as far as physical contact goes, just do what feels natural and what feels right to you. Don't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to.
FYI - lots of eye contact and casual physical contact (touch on the shoulder, arm, etc) means you are interested. This sort of thing comes natural so if he likes you he'll do a lot of that. If you like him, you will naturally want to do the same.
First dates are awkward for everyone, no matter what age you are and no matter how many other people you've dated in the past. Just relax and be yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 I would just say try to go into it with no expectations - the lower your expectations the better!
First of all eating - doesnt really matter, eat what you enjoy. Men like to see that women actually do eat (no-one wants a boring girlfriend who whines about fatty food all day!) so just eat something you actually enjoy, just maybe steer away from anything with loads of sauce if you are a bit clumsy or wearing white!
If things start to get awkward, just ask him more questions about himself. Easy ones are asking about his family (does he have brothers/sisters etc), what he is up to at the weekend (that can stem other topics), how he is doing at work/school/college etc...I know it seems daunting but I am sure that when you are actually on the date you will be able to think of plenty of topics to talk about in any awkward silences.
Physical contact - this is tricky and will depend on the guy, so best not to expect any at all and then anything will be an added bonus! If he touches you arm, or is getting close to you then you can tell he is interested, so watch out for those kind of signs as this will indicate if there will be anything later on in the night. He might try and kiss you at the end of the night, or he might kiss you on the cheek (still means they could be interested, dont take this as a bad sign because on plenty of my first dates that have turned into relationships all started with a kiss on the cheek!). Dont worry about the physical contact part - as long as you are physically attracted to him and WANT him to touch you/kiss you in some way, and you enjoy each other's company then thats all that matters.
All the other answers have given you some good "dont" tips (getting drunk is a big no no, as well as ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, go for mid range rather than cheap so it doesnt look obvious, and NEVER talk about your ex's or other people you like - including celebrities you are attracted to). But what you SHOULD do is just be as natural as you can, smile lots, and a big one - find out what they are interested in and talk about it! If you like something that they like too (not something small like e.g. chocolate, more like the same author, same favourite films etc) and then talk about it with them (but only after they brought it up, the good old "oh my god I cant believe you like xxxxx, it is my favourite too!". That makes them feel like you are induldging their favourite things and that you connect, which is always good!
Be down to earth, dont be bitchy or overly girly. Actually try and be girly in the way you look, but then a little bit manly in what you like. Take me for example - this sounds horribly big headed but every date I have been on has always turned into at a minimum a third date. And I guess the reason why I have been successful (I'm not of supermodel proportions or anything like that!) is because I love to take care of myself in terms of my looks and dress very well (normally wear dresses, even in the day). But then I also have a lot of typical masculine interests e.g I hate chick flicks, I love football (soccer), I love Formula 1 car racing, I have a huge interest in politics & current affairs, I love the outdoors and I'm not really into girly things like chatting on the phone, shopping with friends, girly magazines etc.
I think this masculine element to my personality dressed up nicely in a woman's body is the reason why I do well with men. I am not stunning by any stretch of the imagination, but I am reasonably attractive (made better by me making a big effort with my looks!). So I dont think looks are really the be all and end all, as long as you clearly look after yourself and have made an effort (but not too much make up, just a subtle natural look) then you will be fine.
Just remember to be yourself, try and relax as much as you can and enjoy it. That is key - look like you are having a good time! If you look bored and nervous then that is not going to make him think you like him, and that in turn will put him off you! So dont spend all your time watching to see if he is into you, give him a few signals too!
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Awesome! Ok, first off, relax! Be yourself! Now, here are some topics to avoid at all cost : politics, religion, income, ex relationships, sex, and whether or not he wants kids (men tend to run, hearing that on the first date). There's nothing wrong with a little silence, use it to smile at him and make some eye contact. But, topics that rarely fail are: music, travel, good food and movies. But avoid pop culture gossip unless he brings it up first, some men are very turned off by conversations about Paris Hilton etc. Never order something too expensive. It's better to eat something that needs fork and knife in my opinion. You can be more dainty and less likely to spill something :p It's also cute to share something like nachos or a dessert. Avoid wearing something too revealing, a little cleavage is ok, but you don't want him to see you as a purely sexual person. A good night kiss and/or hug is customary...if possible go for a walk after dinner, it's more laid back and rather sweet :) Best Wishes!
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Try to be yourself. There's no point in giving someone a false impression.
Don't talk too much about yourself. Don't talk about exes. Don't talk about sex (too much), although flirting is of course good, if you feel like it.
And don't get too drunk, and don't have sex on the first date, especially if you like him. You'll regret it, and he'll quite possibly thing you are 'easy' and not call back.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 October 2010):
 A first date is kind of like a job interview. It's a way for you to start to get to know eachother. The topics of conversation will depend on how you met and what you already know about eachother. On a first date, it's almost better if you don't know a lot about eachother because you can talk about your jobs, hobbies, sports, really anything that may come up. Your best bet is to ask open ended questions. Instead of "Do you like your job?" try "What about your job do you enjoy?" The key is to encourage conversation instead of short abrupt answers.What should you eat? I would suggest something that isn't messy. You don't want to spill on yourself and certain foods definitely lend themselves to more accidents than others. Usually Italian isn't a great plan, nor are ribs. Still, if you know of a really good restaurant, then go for it and hope for the best.p />Physical contact? I wouldn't expect more than a hug. If you really hit it off then maybe a good night kiss. The thing is that you don't want to rush it. Focus on eye contact while you are talking. Keeping a genuine smile (or appropriate emotion for the conversation) on your face. Then you just see where the night takes you.Remember, he'll be nervous too. Try to relax and enjoy the moment. I hope you have a great time!
...............................
|
