A
female
age
51-59,
*essicaG
writes:I'm pretty depressed right now. I've been with my 42 year old boyfriend for 3.5 years. I am 40. At the start of our relationship he was upfront about his porno tapes. About 6 months later when feelings started developing I became insecure with it and told him. He offered to get rid of them and promised he'd gotten rid of them. About 6 months after that I found a couple and approached him and went as far as breaking up with him. I had made it very clear that this made me feel insecure and he lied and had kept some. With the promise of talking to a counsellor and given his word again most heartedly he promised to quit. He's watched porn ever since he was a teenager and throughout his several relationships. He went to counselling for a couple of sessions and felt that he didn't need to go back in that he felt he had it conquered. He loves me to death. I can go on and tell you just how much he wants to be together. We live separately and he wants us to get a house together and get married. I on the other hand am happy the way we are. He is forever spending time with me and our sex life is very good. It's not like he needs to watch before we have sex. He does throughout the week when he's at his home. We pretty much see each other on weekends. I bluffed him and told him that I found porn sites on his computer and how hurt I was by this again... He denied at first and later admitted and felt bad as usual of course. I am so depressed and I don't know if breaking up with him will be the right thing. He is perfect in every other way. I am so hurt that he has repeatedley lied again. What should I do? How should I feel?
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addicted to porn, depressed, insecure, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): Hi Jessica,
I've been thinking of you. How are you doing? Are you still with your guy or have you moved on. Anything you choose to do is ok, it's your life and you have a right to like or dislike anything you want. Chin up babes, hopefully you'll soon update. This is a quick note to tell you I'm thinking about you and wishing you well.
A
female
reader, JessicaG +, writes (17 July 2008):
JessicaG is verified as being by the original poster of the question To the 27 year old married guy with baby:
Thankyou for your response to the porn issue. I don't feel that my boyfriend spends alot of time watching porn but it has made me feel 'jealous' of it. I am learning believe me, to understand and not take it personal. I am pretty much convinced that alot, if not most (not all)_ men watch porn. He watches about 3 times a week when we are not together. We live separetely. So we see each other only on weekends. I need to strengthen my self esteem but I don't know how. I can't lose him because I'll probably regret it when I hook up with someone with half his qualities and probably still watches porn. Thankyou so much for your opinion, it means alot. You sound like you are very understanding towards this subject. How often if I may ask do you watch porn? I know it's probably a frame of mind as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): Hey there,I'm a 27 year old guy, I'm married with 1 baby (Just thought I'd give you an insight as to who's answering your question). Firstly I'll admit, I sometimes look at porn, my wife is well aware of it, and whilst initially she felt insecure as though I was replacing her with the porn, after I explained the situation to her she understood. Basically alot of guys in serious relationships do watch porn, not becuase we don't think our spouse/significant other is not attractive, its becuase as guys we like to sometimes "satisfy ourselves" if you will, and porn is how we do it. Now if hes spending huge amounts of time on porn, maybe he has a problem, but just because he has a few video tapes doesn't mean he has a problem. Also, trust me on this, the more you forbid him to watch porn, the more he's gonna want to do it, maybe you should try understanding this area in his life, it may help the both of you. You said that he was perfect in every way apart from this, well I'd hate to see you throw away your relationship because of a few cheesey porn videos. I haven't read the other replies so my apologies if I have duplicated answers, keep your chin up and I wish you all the best in what ever you decide. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Thanks for keeping us posted. It is great to hear that we could be of assistance; take it easy on yourself now; "Do I hear wedding bells"??
Keep us posted.
Best wishes;Keep Smiling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Yes, Jessica, Diovan continues to amaze many people with her answers to many questions. Any man would indeed be lucky to have her as a partner.
I am happy that some of us have been of help to you. If your boyfriend is as good as you say (and I have no reason to doubt you) then it would be a shame to lose him over this. As long as his "hobby" doesn't grow to become excessive or cause him to ignore you, then I see no problem with what he is doing. You have lied to each other and have some valid trust issues, but that can easily be overcome with a little work from both of you. Communication and understanding can repair that damage.
Some of us have tried so hard in the past to help someone like you and have repeatedly failed. It is refreshing to think that we may have actually saved a good relationship this time. I wish you the best and hope that your boyfriend appreciates what you are trying to do to save the relationship.
P.S. If he is really that good, marry him, or at least consider living together. It's your decision, but it was great when my current wife and I decided to live together many years ago. Marriage took a little more time to feel comfortable with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): I am sending out my thanks to: Troubletoomuch, Oldfool, and Smiles. Your responses to my posts have been more than helpful...
I am particularly sending out my deepest thanks to: DIOVANLESTAT. You are truly amazing! Your words in every post have hit me in all the right places. You are very knowledgeable with all that you have said because deep inside; it makes sense to me. Yes, change is sometimes hard - but knowing that in my situation here; I am the one who needs to change, makes a world of difference to me. I would rather be at fault here and change my ways than to try and replace a good partner in my life, that would be way too hard. I plan on buying some porn so that I can better understand. I will put this insecurity behind me now that I know this problem is mine to solve and only I can make it better. Thankyou once again diovanlestat; your husband or partner is truly lucky to have you...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Hi Jessica, your situation is important to me. That's why I feel so strongly about it, there are only a few instances where porn causes a problem, addiction (usually masked depression or anxiety) underage stuff, etc...
Your experiences of men and porn have been very bad. What your ex did was to look at naked pornographic pictures of children. THIS IS ILLEGAL IN ENGLAND, and probably in Canada too. Your father was a dirty paedophile. These men are sick. You should have reported the ex to the police. Being with these strange men has hurt you and confused you over what is natural and right. For this I am truely sorry. You shouldn't have to have problems in sex, you shouldh't have to carry around the baggae of the past. I'm sorry you experienced this and can understand why things hurt. Thanks for being so truthfull with us.
Your guy sounds good, I'm more concerned with you pulling away from him, keeping your independance and your worry that he might find somebody else more attractive than you. His usage is normal, it's 60minutes a week stress relief. His using porn in the exactly the same as you use fantasy. It's just that men have funny brains, they aint got as good imagination and creativity as the ladies and need a little help. (Please guys don't start a flame war, if you need to attack, please mail me directly, this is Jessica's Space) They also have funny brains about the lying thing as well. Your guy will lie to you again and again, he has too, he loves you and wants to please you. No man is brave or honest enough to answer the women's question "Does my bum (arse) look fat in this dress". That's part of a relationship, the same way as when you tell him his the most handsome guy in the whole world.
Your experiences have left you nervous and this I can understand. But you know he loves you and worships the ground you walk on. Again, like others I would like to know, have you ever looked at any pornography, erotica, and erotic material. What things make you object, what things do you like, or does the whole thing leave you cold. It's about you here, not him. Of course you have a right to hate porn and want it out of your life. But it's better when your clearer about your reasons, instead of fear and bad memories leading you to throw a good thing away.
There is a variety of porn, and so many types. To put them all in a box, and stick in the paedophillia is unfair. Pornography and erotica is something I always recommend ladies to use when their trying to get back some confidence after past abouse. It's not only women in these films, there are men there too.. :) Anway take care of you and don't worry, he's not going anywhere, as Smiles has said, you have all the time in the world to make things right for you. So relax, there's nothing wrong except the arguements this thing causes.
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reader, oldfool  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 Jessica, I think you are remarkably fair and balanced in your posts. Personally, I feel that if you can loosen up a bit on your aversion to porn, your relationship with this guy will be fine and the lies will disappear.
Your point about suggesting views based on your own particular situation is well taken. Unfortunately the porn issue comes up on this site a lot, so people have hardened their views into pro-porn and anti-porn camps. Not all of the advice is based on your situation. Some people are here to simply vent about the evils of porn.
I think marieclaire's views are on the extreme side, although she no doubt has her reasons. I certainly wouldn't wish a breakup with her partner on her, no matter how dyed in the wool I feel her views are. I do hope that she sees that her own personal hatred of porn shouldn't be applied to every situation, though.
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 This is for marieclaire. You asked for some data on porn viewing in animals. I remembered one study reported on the news and have found it, I think, on google. I expect there might be more out there, but I expect this is really low on the researchers' lists.
Essentially, macaque monkeys were given images to view, and had to make a choice or sacrifice if you will, in order to view female perinea. So in other words, the male monkeys had to give up something in order to view their own species female genitals.... Hmmm... And it's not like they're wearing clothes.
Here's the article for your perusal.
http://neuroeconomics.duke.edu/files/deaner_platt_2005.pdf
And I apologize right up front for posting something that might offend some readers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Jessica, I think that you can see what is the best thing to do and it is difficult for you. I have had to face some problems in the past and try hard to change my thinking. It was difficult, but worth it in the end. You seem to have made a good start. If this is all of the porn that he watches then I see no problem sith it. However, if it started to get worse or it interferes with your sex live at some point then he will have to do something about it. I have watched pron for over 40 years and I did it about as much as he does when our sex live was good. It is so good now that I rarely watch or we watch together.
I don't know why you don't want to live with him, but it appears to me that you are missing out on a great guy. According to my wife, they are hard to find. If he could see more of you I'll bet the porn viewing would even decrease some.
marieclaire, you are a real control freak, aren't you? Don't be surprised if your boyfriend watches with his friends or when you can't know about it. Also, don't be surprised if one day he tells you that he has found someone else and leaves you. It's not like you won't deserve it.
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reader, JessicaG +, writes (8 July 2008):
JessicaG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't like porn because it has made me feel insecure about myself. I am only being honest. The thought of him masturbating and fantasizing of other women makes me jealous. I never said that he was addicted nor did I really feel that way after getting a bit more educated on the subject of porn. His porn viewing has never interfered with our relationship whatsoever. The fact that I am insecure and the fact that he has lied about it repeadedly has affected our relationship. Otherwise, considering I am insecure obviously; I have no insecurities with the way he feels about me. If anything; he seems to want more out of this relationship than I do. I mean; he wants to live together and get married, I on the other hand love my independance and marriage is a road we both went down and I don't want to be married anymore. He has never chosen his friends over me, always makes plans to see me, has never stood me up, is foever doing things to make my life easier. He loves having sex with me and compliments me always. That is why I have mentioned in my original post that he is nearly perfect. Not that I feel that anyone is but he has many qualities that any woman would want. We see each other on the weekends. He has never introduced porn into our sex life. It comes secondary when we are not together. He has never turned me down for sex either. These are all the facts but still the porn has been an issue for me in that it has made me feel inferior even though he has not made me feel that way. The porn itself has. My previous boyfriend watched porn but he was viewing 'very young girls; looked like 14 or 15 year olds. Later to find out that he had fooled around on me with a 17 year old. I was 33 at the time. My childhood was a little disturbing. My father 'tried' to touch me in areas that were not appropriate. I grew up not trusting men and feeling that sex for me was only good at the beginning of a relationship when things were still new. As the love developed between myself and whatever boyfriend I was with at the time, I became a bit skiddish with sex. I mean; I've gone to counsellors about this. So here I am with a great guy whom I probably would not be able to replace again. If I decide to leave him and later end up with someone who watches porn, I would be in the same predicament because 'most' guys watch porn. I know that this is something I need to either accept or more on and have to deal with later anyway. I have come a long ways in the 3.5 years we've been together. This porn thing, now that it's in the open - I almost feel relieved that I don't have to wonder anymore if he is watching or not watching. If he is lying or not lying. He has been lying about this for so long - but he says it's the only thing he's lyed about because he know how strongly I felt about it. He watches 1 - 3 times a week depending on his frame of mind. He watches for less than 20 minutes a time and he says it's only an aid to his masturbation. He doesn't watch for the sake of watching. He gets aroused, masturbates and turns the thing off when he's climaxed. Does this sound extreme? According to most people on this site; it doesn't at all. Although he obviously could not put it behind him (he says because he didn't really feel he was doing anything wrong; except for lying about it) it doesn't get in the way of anything in his life. He is very responsible, has a great job, keeps his house always clean, works out, gets things done when they need to be done. I want to be able to change my views and insecurities because if I let him go due to his porn watching, I may end up later with someone half as good as he is and perhaps one who still watches porn. I can see how porn can lead to other things and have a strong impact on relationships. I strongly believe that my situation is just what it is and nothing more. Lying about it doesn't make it right, but sometimes under circumstances; it is easier to lie than deal with the consequences of losing someone. I mean; I have lied myself over different things. ps. smoking a bit of pot when I promised not to and that kinda thing. I am not trying to defend him, I am on this site for help but I also want people on this site to give me their opinions based on my particular situation.
Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Vow, relax; take a deep breath; again, take a deep breath;
RELAX
You are getting yourself in to a total state; first hing you need now is to relax; let it be; stop dwelling on this now;
You have lots to think about; take your time; don't rush; hopefully you have some more perspective; yes, with some confusion; that is why...RELAX
take stock
think about everything and take your time in doing this;
You have a great relationship; in your own time do a list of positives and negatives;
Weigh up the good and the bad;on both sides;
Life is short, value each day; don't sweat the smal stuff;
As a matter of interest:
Have you watched a good mild porn video in your life?
You seem to have an intense dislike in porn, to what type of porn have you been exposed?
Just asking, trying to understand. Really just trying to help.Trying to get insight as to why you are so "anti porn", previous bad experience or what?
Best wishes
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reader, JessicaG +, writes (8 July 2008):
JessicaG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for those who has responded, funny thing is I don't know how to feel yet - I go back and forth...My boyfriend was honesty from the start with the porn. Later on when I asked him to get rid of it I admit I trashed him to pieces and made him feel like some pervert. When he got rid of them and later on I found two that he had kept, same thing I came down on him very badly and broke off with him. He agreed to go to counselling and only lasted two sessions and we got back together. Throughout the last couple of years I've always had a gut feeling that he was still watching but I could never prove it. I just didn't believe that someone after watching all these years could just give it up completely and because he had lied before about it my gut feeling told me otherwise. Last week I tricked him into admitting and I know it was wrong but I needed for this to be settled and out of the bag. I realize that I can't change him and I wish I knew then what I knew now. I don't respect him for lying and that is the part that hurts probably more than the porn now - but I can almost understand why he had to lie. I am not very easy to deal with sometimes either...I know that when I masturbate sometimes I 'think' of other men. Does this compare with the porn watching? Is this not basically the same thing? Yes, I do worry that if he lied to save my feelings with this issue for so long that he might lie again in the future about something else just to save my feelings...I am still confused...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): In answer to Old Fool saying that the problem was my husband not being open and sharing with me his penchant for watching porn, yes of course that was a problem and always will be in a relationship, but the porn caused him to be deceitful, and the reason for that is he knew what he was doing was wrong, it also caused him to be distant and objectify any female who walks past, he has to look, he doesn't just notice a pretty girl, he seeks any female out, and in one fell swoop, his eye's take in her chest, legs, and bum, yes he'll swivel his head off his shoulders to get a better look. I do not want to hijack Jessica's thread, and by the way Jessica I do not think you are paranoid, you should not just accept it because others are telling you it's what all men do and it is normal, if his behaviour is hurting you, then it is HURTING YOU, you know how you feel, you know what you need to make you happy and feel safe, hopefully you can work out what you both will be happy with, but please do not accept it just because others say it is ok. Porn actually does create secrecy and lies, it can escalate and lead to them acting out in all sorts of ways,I know what I am talking about as my husband last year came a hairs breadth to paying for sex, not with a prostitute but with a dancer,I was hurt beyond belief, he didn't know that I had found out but it is a good job I did, that was what brought everything to a head, I was going to leave him and he finally realised what he stood to loose by acting like a selfish pig, and he admitted it himself it was fantasy a stage too far. He seems to be doing ok now, but there is one thing I blame and that is the porn, I can only speak for myself and my experience but porn is bad news to me and now always will be, if others do not understand that it is water off a ducks back to me, I have seen through the lies that porn perpetuates and I will never be blinded by the porn lies ever again and hopefully you won't either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Jessica, don't allow yourself to get paranoid over something that doesn't exist. I have done that to myself in the past and all it does is to cause sadness for no reason. Don't let your mind wander onto things that don't exist.
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reader, oldfool +, writes (8 July 2008):
Actually, I don't think he is. He doesn't sound like the person who would. My point is that if you push a person to hide things, it creates a bad precedent. Even if he's watching porn, he shouldn't feel pushed to cover it up. It's bad for the relationship. Don't let porn create cracks in your relationship, it's just not good.
Sorry if I've caused you undue worry. I wasn't meaning to arouse unnecessary suspicions. I really don't think you have to worry about that with him because by the sound of it he is an honest type who is trying his best for you.
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reader, JessicaG +, writes (8 July 2008):
JessicaG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Old Fool,
Are you saying that because my boyfriend has been lying about his porn watching, that perhaps he is capable of hiding other things as well? I mean anything is possible but the porn has been my only problem with him within the 3.5 years that we've been together. I think you assuming that because he's hiding porn he may be hiding other things...
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reader, oldfool +, writes (8 July 2008):
With regards to the previous poster:
The OP says her sex life is very good. So porn obviously isn't a problem in that department.
The previous poster wrote "I discovered that he was watching porn and masturbating behind my back, there was my answer." This is a very bad situation precisely because the husband was being dishonest with his wife. There needs to be openness and sharing, which he failed to give. THAT was the problem.
In the case of the OP, the boyfriend was completely open about his liking for porn. Unfortunately she has managed to drive it "underground" through her lack of tolerance, which can only damage their relationship. Once he gets sneaky about porn, what else will he start hiding?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): It depends on how strongly you feel about it, I used to think it was ok, I even watched with my husband, I am not a prude and would do different things in the bedroom to please him, then bang, he changed no explanation, he seemed distant emotionally, no sex for 5 months, I did ask what was wrong and got told nothing is wrong, I am just tired/backache or any other excuse that came to his mind. I discovered that he was watching porn and masturbating behind my back, there was my answer, but I never found out why, maybe he became too lazy or whatever other reason but he has never told me the reason why. I had to say the porn has to go, it had definitely gotten in the way of our relationship, so anyway back to trying to get our sexlife back on track because he had conditioned himself to the films and his hand so could not get an erection with me, it has been a battle but we have got to the stage where he can have sex with me but it is very pornish it is only sex and not making love. So for those of you that porn has not had this effect you will be in favour of it, but be warned it can be very dangerous and nobody can say who it will affect like this, I never believed porn could be so damaging but having lived through it I know only too well.
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reader, oldfool +, writes (7 July 2008):
DiovanLestat, yours is the best piece I've ever read in defence of tolerating moderate porn usage in men.
I can understand that some women have a problem with porn, and that excessive porn watching can be destructive, but a policy of "zero tolerance" really does verge on fanaticism. The usual argument is that "if he respects me he'll give it up". That's why I loved this sentence:
"He doesn't love porn more than you, but you sure hate porn more than you love him."
That's it in a nutshell.
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reader, pepper27  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 Im glad hunny that you have come to a decition but please dont think there is huge problems with you ok love..Just think of how happy he makes you how much he loves you and how very happy you can both be WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, JessicaG +, writes (7 July 2008):
JessicaG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou to all who have responded. I am starting to feel like I need to change some things about myself and because nobody is ever perfect, I need to make compromises.
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reader, pepper27 +, writes (7 July 2008):
good grief anon are u surrounded by bloody care bears..Im sorry but my ex husband was a f*****g Psychopath who tryed to kill me.. If he had watched a little porn and loved me Id be a whole lot happier than I have been..In fact yea Im a scarlet woman I watch it to so shoot me..I like to look at goodlooking men naked or clothed hunny are you telling me you never look at another man ever, It doesnt mean you dont love your b/f its eye candy and women can store these images much more so than a man and thats it images..He wouldnt want to go live with a porn star now would he..He loves you is good to you is kind to you wants to get you a lovely house and marry you...Spend one week with my ex then complain that you want a perfect man...Not one person out there is perfect not one hunny but you have a near perfect one so dont loose him TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): "Go to npsupport.net , there you will find the answers you need, along with women who still respect themselves and the sacred act of sex."
So why aren't you over there Ms anonymous hanging out with all your friends. You could go there Jessica, you will find some very unhappy men trying to stop looking at porn. You will also find very unhappy women encouraging them to fight there natural instincts and change into something else. What you won't find is any happy people, or any sensible advice on how to stop this thing from going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Do we have to pray during sex or just before and after?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): I am so sorry you have had to read all these non-validating, pro-porn posts, they must have made you more confused and more hurt. This is a very pro-porn board, with a few exceptions. You are not wrong. I think most of the women who post here with advice to get over it probably like porn themselves and disrespect themselves greatly.
Go to npsupport.net , there you will find the answers you need, along with women who still respect themselves and the sacred act of sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Oh stuff, the small details do really matter.... I just reread your post very carefully again, one sentance I missed has just jumped out....
"He loves me to death. I can go on and tell you just how much he wants to be together. We live separately and he wants us to get a house together and get married. I on the other hand am happy the way we are."
Are you looking for a way out, aren't you happy with your perfect guy. If you have doubts, then maybe he really isn't the man for you. Don't feel guilty, but I think you need to do some hard thinking about your relationship and what you want from life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Sorry Jessica, sorry everyone for the long angry rant, but this is a pet hobby horse of mine. Talk to him Jessica tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels about it. Talk, don't shout and stop spying on him. You should be having fun and showering your guy with love for being so good to you, instead of worrying that your in adequate. This guy loves you, it's plain to see.
Another suggestion an aunt once gave me, is you could try to meet him on his own terms. Get a vibrator, some porn and start masterbating in front of him. If he thinks that there's something wrong with porn then he should get the message and stop. But he'll probably get so turned on, he'll thank you for being understanding and join right in. Take care of you. Blessings. As someone said, "don't sweat the small stuff"
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reader, Collaroy +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Hi,
I'm sorry to say but you sound very controlling.
It is not healthy to try and control people, why are you doing this? His porn viewing is not affecting your sex life and he does it in the privacy of his own home, but you use deceit to make him fess up.
Porn addiction can do serious damage to a relationship, but its usually where the man watches so much it starts controlling his relationship and his sex life. The only thing that is controlling here is you.
I can't believe he went to counselling for watching a bit of porn at home, good grief what were you thinking? He must really love you to even contemplate putting himself through that and hearing your insecurites being brought out into the open.
Have you ever thought that you are the problem here not him?
Just a suggestion.
I'm very sorry, but he might be better off with someone else. I doubt you will have much luck in the romance stakes if you are so insecure , sure you may find a man who doesnt watch porn, good luck I guess, but leave this guy alone. He sounds like a nice bloke, he doesnt deserve to be controlled like this.
sorry mate, but your post is blaming him , I think you need to accept that it is you who needs help not him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): I suggest you read; and re read what Diovan said in her posting; if need be, print a copy and read it everyday for the next few days;
Have you ever considered watching some porn with him? I suggest you try! It might help you to look at porn in a different light; porn does not have to be "dirty" and "uglY";(it is often recommended by sex therapists for couples to watch a porn movie togehter, it does seem to help some couples);
Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): As usual, excellent write Diovan. Jessica, read what Diovan said very carefully. She took a lot of time to make those very good points and it would be to your benefit to think about what she has said.
Eddie has also asked a very pertinent question. How much porn watching are we talking about? Since you say that he only watches while he is at home and not with you then I will assume that it is not excessive. He watches when he is not with you. Perhaps is he was with you 7 days a week then he would not watch at all. Perhaps he would watch less or the same too. It is an outlet for men.
Many women read romance novels. Some of those I would classify as porn - female porn. It seems like women have a better imagination than men and can get off on their sexual desires by non-direct stimulation. Men seem to need the more direct stimulation of visual things.
You are upset about him lying to you. Well, you think it was fine to lie to him about finding porn on his computer to trick him. You are just as bad, perhaps worse, than he is with his lying. He was honest with you in the biginning.
You have tried to make him feel that he has a mental problem and made him go to counseling. That is just your opinion. You want to make all of the decisions about how he runs his life. How would you feel if he tried to make all the decisions about how you run your life? You want the absolutely perfect man. Well, believe me, the perfect man or woman does not exist. If that is your quest then you will be a very depressed woman for the rest of your life.
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reader, MissRosie +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Hi Jessica,
there is definately nothing wrong with not liking it, but I think you need to identify why you do not like pornography. Is it because it makes you feel inferior, or do you find pornography's portrayal of women distasteful? These are perfectly legitimate and understandable reasons for not liking it.
Once you can identify why you don't like it you can talk to him about it. If you are worried about the content of it or If you want reassurance that he loves the way you look, or that he doesn't see women as objects, then if he is a nice guy he will reassure you. If you are happy with this, and hes as otherwise perfect as you say he is, then it is probably worth compramising on the issue.
He needs to keep it at a small non-obsessive level, and you need to remeber how ridiculous and tacky porn is, and that it is no substitute for a real woman, and men know it!
Take care x
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 *shrug*, now the other side.
"She has an issue with porn but she's perfect in every other way. I don't know what to do."
Who is the one with the problem here? You are saying HE must change to make YOU feel better. Why don't YOU change to make HIM feel better?
Or meet each other somewhere in the middle.
But Dio already put a lengty post in I see, so I will stop ranting except to remind you that you got a simple choice. Walk away or make this work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Sorry Jessica your feeling so bad. Porn is a very difficult issue for some women. But you really need to put things into perspective before this relationship really breaks down.
How much do you hate porn. Are you willing to loose this man over this issue. I think you are very niave if you've never realised that men look at porn. Is this your first relationship, or you one of those rare women who has never caught her lover looking at porn. Let me give you a piece of advice, MOST MEN (not all) but most men like to look at porn. That's what they like to do. Some women like soap operas, some women like shopping, some women like to gossip and buy shoes, that's what they like to do. Men are slightly different, they find that porn is a form of stress relief, a moment to be alone. They are not in love with the girls in porn, they would hate to be with a girl that looked like a porno queen. Most men like real women, with real feelings and real lumps and bumps. He wouldn't trade you for one of the girls in the video, no more than he would trade you in for a blow up doll. It's you he loves and you his with, porn is hobby, and that's all it is.
Now on to you. Your 40years old, you met this guy and he told you he liked porn. You were all right with it at first, they after 6months you changed your mind and have been nagging away at him for over 3years trying to get him to change something he had before he even met you. How dare you do this. How dare you demand this man change for you. Relationships are a partnership, what have you offered to change about yourself. Maybe you should spend your time on gaining a bit more self-esteem and confidence in yourself, rather than going around demanding that the world change arround you. This behaviour is selfish. How would you feel if he demanded you stop seeing your brother or father because he feels inadequate because of his size, looks or bank balance. He dosen't have the problem you do.
I've seen so many women with this problem, but they don't realise that they have to change. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PORN, he dosen't, so you better change and find somebody who can pretend that they don't like to look at porn. You can never trust your guy over this porn issue. Yep he may stop for a while, he'll promise he will never do it again, and then guess what? One day he'll feel a little tempted and he will go and look at porn again. You will feel hurt and angry and you will say he lied to me again. WELL WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO DO? Most men like porn, most men will look at porn. He might stop looking at porn, but I bet you he will start looking at it at work, or he will go to his freinds house, just to satisfy he's natural desire to be a man doing men's things. He can't be a woman, he dosen't think like you. He likes porn, you don't, but how important is this relationship to you.
You can scream and shout untill the day your blue, but he will continue to look at porn. He says he wont, breaks his promise, looks at it again, you get angry, he makes promises, cycle, rinse and repeat. Women force men to lie about it all the time, you threaten to leave him, so he lies, but he still continues to look at porn. What you gonna do now, follow him to work, to check up on him.
He dosen't have an addiction, he dosen't have a problem, what he is doing is normal for a grown man. You have the problems, you feel insecure, you are overly possesive, you are the selfish one. This guy loves you, this guy takes care of you, you have a good sex life and he spends time with you, but that's not enough. NO! You wanna get rid of his hobbies, demand he look at only what you want, you wanna even command his eyes, ears and hands. Why because YOU have a problem, he has to fix himself for you. This guy deserves a medal.
"He's watched porn ever since he was a teenager and throughout his several relationships" and then you come along tell him he's sick and tell him to see a counsellor. I'm glad he didn't because your the funny one, the counsellor would tell him that his girlfriend is too insecure and controlling and would tell him to break up the relationship before you do further damage to his self-esteem. He dosen't love porn more than you, but you sure hate porn more than you love him. He must think your crazy, but he sounds like he loves you because he still stays around.
I would suggest you look at your confidence and insecurity issues with a counsellor yourself. If you can't get over your obsession and are still very upset about porn, I suggest you leave this guy alone to find a woman who dosen't care. You then will be at liberty to find a man who dosen't like porn. But I promise you that the search will be very hard. This one promised to give up porn and he couldn't do it. The next one will promise he dosen't like porn, and one day you find a stash of it. You cry, he promises never to do it again, he breaks promise, again, cycle, rinse and repeat.
Go find yourself somebody that hates porn, but I can't guarantee he won't also lie, I also can't guarantee that he will love you and treat you as well as this guy does. You found your perfect guy, if that's not enough for you, go and find somebody else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): every man I have ever known watched porn. I used to get upset when I came across it. I asked my boyfriend once to please delete the history on the computer if he does watch it, and later felt guilty for making him feel ashamed of looking at it because it's a perfectly natural thing for a man to do. men are much more visual than women are. I wouldn't take it as though he is cheating or anything. If you try to watch some yourself, it might help you understand it a little better. yes, if I could change the male race, it is something I would get rid of, but I would try to work on your insecurities and stop sweating the small stuff.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (6 July 2008):
 I'm trying to examine the development of your relationship. He was honest and mentioned that he views porn. Was this just a statement he blurted out or something that you discovered while chatting? You still stayed with him and the relationship developed. How much porn does he watch? We have to be careful with semantics here. If he watches porn once in a while then it would sound like the issue is yours and something you need to fix about yourself. If he locks himself in his basement and watches porn for hours, then I'd say he has the problem.
You also mention that you began to feel insecure. What made you feel insecure?
If you have an absolute zero tolerance for anything that is porn or even close, examine why. Is it because you feel it is disgusting or because it causes you to feel inferior? The ground rules were set in the beginning of your relationship. He watched some porn and you didn't complain, at least not too much. When you felt comfortable with him, you changed the rules. Did you tell him why?
He has lied because he didn't want to get caught doing something you told him not to do. I assume he loves you but you gave him an ultimatum. Since he didn't think he had a problem he chose to continue without your knowledge. I'm still interested to know the amount of porn he was viewing. That is important to know when trying to figure out who is being stubborn.
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